Pondering Restless Impatience

“Perhaps there is only one cardinal sin: impatience.
Because of impatience we were driven out of Paradise,
because of impatience we cannot return.”

Auden, W. H.

The noun has 3 meanings:

Meaning #1: a lack of patience; irritation with anything that causes delay
Synonym: restlessness

Meaning #2: a restless desire for change and excitement

Meaning #3: a dislike of anything that causes delay

If I sound like a broken record, it is because the record is stuck on the same song and plays on a continuous loop.  That is what life has felt like since our well water system broke down . . . we are in the midst of Week #4.

What came to mind was a post I wrote many years ago on my birthday.  I had the same restless impatience to get on with my life in a meaningful way, still not completely happy with myself and the progress I had made up to that point.

For totally different reasons, the emotion felt is best described as a "raging sense of powerlessness" . . . in other words, restlessness, anxiety and extreme impatience.  Obviously, from my birthday horoscope thingie on the following post, it is what is to be expected of myself . . . it is written in the stars!

In present time, there are many factors, however, the one that really hits home is "irritation with anything that causes delay".  The only thing that I have wanted to hear these past weeks is that "we have running water again."  

It is a quality of life kind of thing. 

The long awaited words have not come . . . only to be replaced by "well, this latest experiment has not worked."  Actually I could tell from The Captain's face, he didn't need to even say the words.  The poor guy has so much patience, perseverance and faith like I have never seen in my life.  He has been determined to save us a couple thousand dollars or so.

He's my hero! 

My irritation and bad feelings 

have nothing to do with him!

As it turns out, he has figured out what the problem is, we have the money to fix it and in a few days, we should have running water again.  

The changes I have gone through in these few weeks have amazed me.  I have written about them and none too happy with myself for being so impatient.

Having said that . . . my behavior and attitude has been much better than I ever expected for myself.  For me, exceeding my own expectations is an amazing thing since I am always so rough on myself.

Everything in life happens for a reason!

The following post found me with that same feeling since I could see life passing me by as I became another year older . . .

The following post was

 originally published

on August 14, 2008

Ohhhhhhh today I'm feeling the raging sense of powerlessness . . . or is it just in the stars?

Today is my birthday . . . ok, hence the raging sense of powerlessness . . . becoming a year older is not a happy thought as it was when I was a teenager and wanted so bad to be an adult. I'm exhibiting "pewter power" and allowing my silver streaks to show . . . an all too visual reminder of becoming older.

Whatever . . . here is the meaning of my birthdate and there is the gruesome twosome . . . impatience and restlessness . . . 

- August 14 -
You are very independent and fearless. You have a lot of pride in yourself, and have confidence that you can do anything you put your mind to.
Positive Traits: cooperative, versatile, organized, analytical, curious
Negative Traits: impatience, restlessness, rebellious, irresponsible, breaking promises

Maybe it is just a restless desire for change and excitement!
God knows I have earned it . . .
I'm another year older and life is passing me by :(

read more

Jewel in the Rough

Everyone is a jewel in the rough since no one is perfect and never will be.

A recent comment made by a reader got me pondering life along the following line of thinking.  He said he would feel that peace, love and happiness that I write about when he finds love.  It made me think of the days that I thought love was that magic thing that would change everything.

My new life as a married woman is totally different than the life I was leading at that time.  Back in those days, shortly before writing that post, I had the fairy tale thinking that finding love again was the key to finding peace, love and happiness.  I was so wrong!

Of course finding love again is a huge part of it . . . I am definitely happily married . . . much happier than I was alone. However, the biggest lesson I have learned is that a bigger part of finding the elusive peace, love and happiness is accepting yourself as you are and loving yourself anyway.

Since writing the following post, I have learned so much about myself.  In fact, since meeting The Captain I have learned much more about myself.  

The phases of our lives continue peeling back the layers of who we are and reveal themselves to us at the time we need it most.  At least that is the way it has worked for me.  We continually evolve with time even though we are the same person born the way we are.  However, perspective of who we are changes the way we perceive ourselves . . . life circumstances can do that for us if we allow to analyze ourselves with a completely honest open mind.

Before finding love again, I truly believe I had to be comfortable within my skin, embrace my solitude and live for bliss . . . even if it meant that I would live my life alone.  It was a long and difficult journey to that place.

It was at that point in my life that when I least expected it, The Captain just appeared in my life and everything fell into place.  Did he make my life perfect, complete with the elusive peace, love and happiness I so craved in my life?  I would not be honest if I said yes.

The new life journey is striving toward the harmony of peace, love and happiness as a couple just as I struggled with learning to embrace my solitude when I was alone.

We are always a jewel in the rough!

This post was originally published on August 17, 2008:

I found the following post by Carrie Hart very inspirational and motivating this morning. It is so indicative of my life since I made my new year's resolutions as I prepared for my "new life" while watching the ball drop on New Year's Eve . . . that was my symbolic start to "normal".

Although I am firmly convinced that the past few years of my life have been a total refinement that has found me "walking the fires of hell", the reward will be the best person that I ever imagined being with an awesome life with lots of peace, love and happiness. The most important lesson is being more grateful for every little blessing that I've been given . . . it wasn't always that way. Walking through the fires will do that to you . . . appreciate the good things in life so much more.

As I look back at the trials and tribulations, I see the good in every one of them and the reason why I had to go through those things. It is all a personal growth process and the refinement of the spirit . . . the peeling of the layers, one by one.

One of the most important things to get from the struggles I've been through is to never lose faith and hope, no matter how bad the situation appears to be. Expect God to move in your life incrementally, working on one layer at a time, sometimes more . . . expect the emotional struggle of personal growth. It is necessary to make us the best person we can be.

The most important piece of my life puzzle was not presented to me until recently, although it was waiting for me before the start of the new year. The time was not right for the missing piece to present itself . . . I needed help to remove the rest of the layers . . . the time is now :)

My path was revealed at the appropriate time and I know exactly where I'm going . . . still going through the refinement and removing more layers to get there . . . just like a jewel in the rough, I'm almost ready to shine.

Here is the post by Carrie Hart . . .

You are like a precious jewel under layers of stone, your glow covered by fear, social conditioning and doubt. And here and there, there has been a deep chip in that stone and a little bit of light shines out from the jewel, showing the light and love that you are.

And often there was pain and loss in the creation of that little opening, as you felt life cut deeply through your protective coating to expose some of your true heart. And yet, that place is where you shine brightly and show your true self.

There are those who spend their entire lives decorating the stone covering. They paint on bright and colorful layers of success and achievement; they do intricate carvings on their stone shield.

But you desire more than this. You know that the answer lies in having the courage to remove these layers, these layers of fear, doubt, and yes, even the highly decorated achievements and successes. You know that praise, approval and recognition are not the true shine.

You are the jewel underneath, the gem of beauty and glory. You are all of that beauty and wonder, right now. And all you need to do is have the courage to chip away at the baser stone that covers you. Just chip and chip, removing layer after layer.

Yes, this does take courage. For as you do this, you are removing the intricate decoration that you have been using to disguise the stone, and there are moments, between the time you chip away the colorful paint and the time you reach the jewel, that you feel bare and vulnerable as you show to yourself and the world only your unadorned fears and doubts.

But continue. Continue to chip away until you reach the jewel underneath. Clear away more and more of the stone, exposing your true colors, your true light. And as you expose and express who you truly are, you can even cut beautiful facets in the stone, so that you shine ever more brightly as you begin to catch the light and love that flows toward you.

And one day, you will have cleared away enough stone that the star in your center can be seen, the unique and glowing self that is you, shining out endlessly, creating light and love, not only as a reflection but as a part of the creative force that drives all that is.

All of this is within you now, right now. You have the love, the light, the beauty and the power. You are deeply creative and shine with a light that is at once completely unique and yet one with all. You have all of this glory within you, right now.

Reach down and feel the star glowing within you. Reach down to that star and you will find there all of the courage you need to let yourself shine.

read more

Life's moments

When there's something that needs to be done,
give yourself a moment to do it.

When there's a decision that must be made,
give yourself a moment to think it through.

When life demands a response,
give yourself a moment to find the
most positive and meaningful one.

When someone is explaining something to you,
give yourself a moment to truly listen and to understand.

Life is made up of many moments, one right after another. The big outcomes, results and achievements depend on what you do with all those little moments along the way. With each moment you can choose to let it pass or to let it bring you down. Or, you can decide to make good use of that moment with positive purpose, value and love.

How many times have you looked back on your life with regret, and wished you had given yourself a moment to do what could have easily been done? Now is your opportunity to avoid such future regrets by recognizing the great value in each moment.

When life is asking something of you,
give yourself a moment to make it right.

And when you add up all those moments,
you'll find you've made life great.

(Ralph Marston)

Sometimes life's moments have got to be taken in tiny little doses . . . like minutes or seconds at a time, a day at a time or a week at a time . . . whatever is necessary to go through whatever you are going through.

Ralph Marston's writings are so inspirational to me!  Hope you were able to find inspiration in this one as I did.

read more

Divine Discontent

What a great story on taking a
 positive view of a bad situation!

Some lessons are more expensive
 than others . . . even if they
 don't cost a penny

A fellow came to my teacher Hilda Charlton and complained that he had been ripped off by an auto mechanic. "The guy charged me $500 for poor work and then refused to remedy it," he explained. "I had a bad feeling about this mechanic before he started the work. Now I wish I had listened to it."

Hilda responded, "If I were offering you a week-long course on following your intuition, and I guaranteed you that after this course you would be better able to hear your inner guidance and more willing to follow it, would you take the class?"

"Why, sure!" answered the fellow without hesitation.

"And if the tuition for the course was $500, would you pay it?"

"That would be a bargain."

"Then consider yourself lucky," Hilda told him. "You got the entire course from your mechanic in one day."

Now before you go out and seek pain to learn, hear this: Pain happens, but suffering is optional. When pain comes, make use of the experience, but do not wallow in it. When you accidentally place your finger in a flame, it is supposed to hurt just long enough for you to pull it out. If you think there is value in keeping it there, you will be a crispy critter. Pain is a minor element of life, unless you are indulging it. Then it becomes suffering. Get the message and then get on with your life, which is far more about joy than sorrow.

All experiences in life can be sorted into two categories: (1) Experiences to be enjoyed; and (2) Experiences to be learned from. There is no slot in between. Nothing random. Figure out which experiences fall into which category, and you are well on your way home.

read more

Anxiety and life phases

~ I'm Fine | Heart ~


It has occurred to me today that life is just a cycle of phases, some good, some bad, all contributing to the person we are today.  Of course each time we tend to feel as though we are losing it, like in my featured song by Heart.

Since we are entering Week #4 of no running water, I needed to read old posts and remind myself of where I have been and the anxiety associated with it. I always tell myself "this too shall pass" . . . and it does!

Anxiety comes in different phases, usually dependent on what the current life circumstances are.

I have selected two phases of my life to write about.

The first post found me entering an exciting new chapter in my life after successfully completing training for the job I knew was made for me.  I remember being so happy, although the disappointment of the job as it really was and the attitude of "corporate America" toward its employees ultimately took me through another time of anxiety and the feeling of failure.

The positive aspects of this experience was the feeling of accomplishment for finally getting out of the house, going after that job I wanted so badly and successfully completing some emotionally draining training.  Even though the job didn't work out, no one would have ever suspected I had previously been so apprehensive about leaving my comfort zone and shutting myself out of society for so many years.

Today I am so very grateful that I don't have to face "corporate America" again . . . I can say with certainty that those days are over. 

Notice a theme here?

The last post found me at a time of high anxiety as I had quit smoking and thought I had a grip on it . . . at the same time I decided I no longer needed my anxiety medication and was weaning myself off.  Big mistake!  The attempt of quitting smoking is a high anxiety endeavor anyway . . . not a time to get off of anxiety medication.  My doctor was very angry with me and convinced me to start taking them again.

The lesson I learned is taking medication for a legitimate problem is nothing to be ashamed of.  The shame is to not do anything about a problem that exists.

Many of us are afflicted with high anxiety for whatever reason.  Don't be afraid of medication . . . it is necessary when problems arise so you can deal with them with a clear head and attitude.  Mine has never gone away, I can just deal with it more effectively now.  Life challenges happen and you must be prepared for them.


This post was originally published on March 8, 2008

A new chapter in my life has begun. A time that I thought would never come, although I just took one day at a time and tried to deal with each one as best as I could. Every time I take out my certification for successfully completing training for a job that I set in my mind over two years ago, I am so grateful for the strength that God gave me to make it through those bad times and gave me enough faith in myself to go for it and make it through the training that I almost walked out of several times.

Positive attitude and faith in ourselves and our creator goes a long way and through times we think we can't get through. We can go through life in a bad mood and an awful attitude, resulting in a miserable existence. I've been through all the phases.

It was especially rough when I made the decision that I needed to quit smoking if I was going to join the real world and get a real job since the realization hit me that selling "whatever" on eBay was no longer going to provide the comfortable life that I had grown accustomed to. In retrospect I think it was divine intervention to finally get me out of my house. God works in mysterious ways to teach us lessons and make us stronger.

As I get ready for the new chapter of my life with a new career and the contentment, peace of mind and security I was searching for, I started my one day off with my first cup of coffee reading some of my old posts so I can truly savor this moment and appreciate the emotions of accomplishment.

The following post was written as I was well into my endeavor of quitting smoking . . . the "no smoking weight gain" was starting to creep up on me . . . it was just a bad time that gives me so much appreciation for the changes I have made in my life.

There was always hope for me even though I didn't always think so . . . there is also hope for anyone going through a bad time, no matter what the circumstance . . . with faith and a positive attitude.

This post was originally published on December 11, 2006

Not asking for much . . . not even happiness at the moment since that seems like an impossible dream, just CONTENTMENT and peace of mind would be great.

The past couple of days have been awful . . . I am convinced it is withdrawals from quitting smoking and/or getting off my medication. Feelings of restlessness and anxiety have consumed me and just about everything is making me irritable. The cravings to smoke a cigarette are virtually gone, although they do hit me when I least expect it, but pass quickly.

I had done some research on withdrawal from my medication and the good news is that my withdrawal symptoms are not as bad as I expected them to be based on my research. I always took way less than prescribed because I hate being dependent on anything and was so scared of becoming addicted to them. Today I am thankful that my withdrawal symptoms are not as bad as they could be even though I am ready to climb the walls from this anxiety.

My state of anxiety is all about my life's general frustrations and irritations.

I'm still dealing with no hot water and having to boil water for everything. The repair people will finally be here tomorrow and hopefully it will be fixed.

The one thing that is really irritating me is the weight that I have gained as a result of not smoking anymore. I am not doing anything different, although I am hungry all the time. The weight gain came fast and has really made me sad since I have worked so hard to take it off. Now I have to work doubly hard to get that under control. I just spent 1/2 hour on the exercise bike to get rid of anxiety and hopefully keep the weight gain from continuing. 

This is the story of my life . . . something positive always brings the negative to bring me down. I can't win!

I'm off to experience the one thing that always makes me happy and content . . . my first cup of coffee for the day. I'll also have to check out my music collection and find some happy music. Those two things will instantly put me in a better state of mind.

This is going to be an awesome week in spite of all of this . . . I'm determined!

read more

Simple abundance and being grateful

The following is an article from the Daily Om which beautifully describes the Simple Abundance lifestyle. It seems as though these articles show up just when my spirit needs to be renewed and reminded of what is important . . . just like the child-like joy I get from the image of the dogs playing poker. 

I remember this same image in black velvet from back in the day . . . that memory alone makes me smile since I always loved the concept of dogs playing poker . . . notice the bulldog is cheating :)

The World in a Bright Light 
Grateful

Everyday is a blessing, and in each moment there are many things that we can be grateful for. The world opens up to us when we live in a space of gratitude. In essence, gratitude has a snowball effect. When we are appreciative and express that gratitude, the universe glows a bit brighter and showers us with even more blessings.

There is always something to be grateful for, even when life seems hard. When times are tough, whether we are having a bad day or stuck in what may feel like an endless rut, it can be difficult to take the time to feel grateful. Yet, that is when gratitude can be most important. If we can look at our lives, during periods of challenge, and find something to be grateful for, then we can transform our realities in an instant. There are blessings to be found everywhere. When we are focusing on what is negative, our abundance can be easy to miss. Instead, choosing to find what already exists in our lives that we can appreciate can change what we see in our world. We start to notice one blessing, and then another.

When we constantly choose to be grateful, we notice that every breath is a miracle and each smile becomes a gift. We begin to understand that difficulties are also invaluable lessons. The sun is always shining for us when we are grateful, even if it is hidden behind clouds on a rainy day. A simple sandwich becomes a feast, and a trinket is transformed into a treasure. 

Living in a state of gratitude allows us to spread our abundance because that is the energy that we emanate from our beings. Because the world reflects back to us what we embody, the additional blessings that inevitably flow our way give us even more to be grateful for. The universe wants to shower us with blessings. The more we appreciate life, the more life appreciates and bestows us with more goodness.

Source: The Daily Om

read more

When Things Go Wrong In Life

Things don't go wrong and
break your heart so you
can become bitter and give up.

They happen to break you down
and build you up so you can be
all that you were intended to be.

(Charles "Tremendous" Jones)



I guess this means that I'm going through
another time of building my character!

In times of uncomfortable life challenges, I always try to remember that there are so many others in this world who wish they could trade places with me.  This week marked the anniversary of Sandy, the super storm, and the news media was taking a look back at her victims and where they are today.  Many have not finished rebuilding and others lost everything.  Imagine, a year later! 

My sweetie is teaching me about perspective and how the way one perceives a situation can change the way you feel about it and get through it with less anxiety.  There is hope for me after all . . .

read more

Patience

"What does patience feel like? It's a subtle unfolding with time as your ally. You feel relaxed and trust that it will all work out, even if in this very moment, there's no clear path to the end. It feels like the subtle uneasiness of allowing all you're uncomfortable with to be exactly as it is."

- Mastin Kipp, founder of TDL


TDL Links:

Twitter - 
www.Twitter.com/TheDailyLove 

Beta Site -
www.TheDailyLove.com

This latest journey into unfortunate life challenges has taken me from times of extreme patience and faith straight to being out of control in the depths of hell, walking through that fire of hopeless pessimism with more than subtle uneasiness with all I'm uncomfortable with.  Living without running water is not the easiest endeavor I've ever encountered.

Time has not been my ally.  As time goes by, patience escapes me more intensely although it comes back in fleeting moments of faith.  Of course I know the problem will eventually be solved, but my patience . . . or lack of . . . is making time seem to stand still.

The Captain is feeling better after being hit with a nasty flu, the parts have been purchased and he will start working on the problem again.  I know I haven't made life easy for him . . . shame on me, it is not his fault.

What is patience anyway?  

Wikipedia defines it as "the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way."  

Human nature and difficult circumstances takes certain personality types to the brink of teetering on the edge, losing control and the grip of perspective.  

Years ago I would have retreated to the comfort of my mom's house without even trying to endure the difficulty.  It has been an option I have considered during the moments of extreme frustration, however,  I've developed a stubborn streak of determination to endure what is difficult.  Progress?

Perhaps this is the lesson to be learned through this latest challenge . . . patience . . . and holding on to it with lots of faith.  

It is one of those delicate balances in life . . . teetering on the edge of frustration, impatience, patience and faith in the midst of difficult times, drifting from one to the other, even though I have trusted that everything will eventually work out.

Although there is still no clear path to the end of this dilemma, at least tonight I am feeling more relaxed and in control of my emotions.

Simple?  I think not!

read more

Free your mind

Free your mind

and the rest will follow,

be colorblind,

don't be so shallow

(before you read me you

gotta learn how to see me)

Lyrics from the song
Free Your Mind | En Vogue



Well, we are into week #2 of our water well system being out of commission which has meant no running water all this time.  Talk about missing something that is a normal part of everyone's day.

To compound the situation, The Captain is sick!

As I was going through one of my old blogs this morning, I found this post so ironic as I am struggling to keep from going over the edge with the major inconvenience of having to deal with all these bottles of water.  The way things are done on a routine basis is all turned around.  I tried to enter this latest life challenge as a new adventure, but I am getting to the point where I can't fool my mind into thinking this is an adventure.  In reality it is a major hassle that is getting on my last nerve.

So . . . maybe I should prepare a bowl of popcorn to combat the blues!

Seriously, the following post includes some awesome methods for handling those stressful times in life.  Wish I would have run into this post before I started teetering on the edge!

Originally published on January 18, 2008
On the path to my quest for happiness, the best thing I did for myself was take the time to figure out what I was doing WRONG in my life since it seemed like I continued to spiral out of control time and time again. Yes, I have also had to deal with the death of my spouse, but I was not handling life well at all . . . and I know I will continue to stumble here and there because it is human nature. The difference is that I understand myself better and the way I handle difficulties.

I ran across an article that touches on a lot of what I have discovered in this year of self-awareness and I thought it was worth sharing with others having a difficult time with stress, depression or even a mild case of the blues . . .

Feeling good physically works on the mind too . . . exercise does help combat depression or a case of "the blues" . . . and here are some other psychological strategies that help us attain that peace within.

Feed your "brain" with low calorie foods with lots of crunch, like apples, carrots and celery . . . I eat a bowl of popcorn every day just because it is one of my addictions. Through the years, I have learned how to make a healthy version with a microwave popcorn popper . . . I never used the bagged microwave popcorn since I want to control what goes into it. It fools the brain and works as a release that helps deflect the binge of "stress-eating".

It is important to not use food to bring comfort, remember that it's mainly a source of fuel. An extra slice of cake won't solve anything . . . it will just make you feel guilty later. This is the one that I was really guilty of since I quit smoking last year and had to deal with that too . . . and the desire to eat everything in sight. Finally . . . I can say I have a handle on this too.

Avoid excessive stimulants like caffeine or guarana . . . I prefer not to practice what I preach with this one . . . although I have started substituing hot tea instead of drinking coffee every day, all day . . . and I have cut down the amount I take in each day . . . but I must have my caffeine!

Breathe right . . . Slow it down . . . allow your diaphragm to fully contract, feel the breath through your entire lungs, breathe out and exhale the air completely. When I feel stress starting to creep in, I take a time out, clear my mind and breathe . . . I close my eyes and envision the waves crashing onto the ocean and the sound it makes. When I have serious time . . . I have a CD of ocean sounds that is supposed to help with sleep, and it helps on those days I need to free my mind since I am such an intensive thinker that lets the stress creep in.

Everyone has their way of letting off steam . . . discover yours and recognize when you need to take a time out before the stress gets too out of control. My greatest stress reliever is energetic music and dancing . . . for others it is a hot steamy shower or a soak in a hot bubble bath in candlelight . . . discover the way that works for you and change the quality of your life. No sense running around stressed out if you can find a way to free your mind from it.

Do you feel yourself making the same mistakes over and over again? The most important thing I did for myself last year was invest time in myself . . . self-knowledge . . . recognizing patterns and understanding why. To break the mold, step out of the story to review it from an outsider's perspective . . . I've done that by blogging about the journey into my new life. Give yourself a reality-check to find the root of the problem and re-evaluating the situation. Although I know it didn't seem like it, I have really listened to the feedback and comments I received from my friends and have slowly made incremental changes.

Whatever you do, be true to yourself . . . take the HONEST approach with an open mind, finding negative characteristics about yourself is just part of the journey to finding your authentic self and making those changes that are necessary to stop the vicious cycle. Listen to what others have to say with an open mind . . . someone may say the one thing that clicks for you and makes a huge difference in your perspective.

Free your mind . . . and the rest will follow!

read more

The changing ocean tides

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love

Can the child within my heart rise above

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life
lyrics from
Landslide (Barkan Ottaviano Remix) - Fleetwood Mac



Lately I've been on a quest to consolidate all of my personal journals and blogs into this one blog.  It is interesting (to say the least) to go back and see how the mirror in the sky has reflected the changes in my life since I became a widow.  From that day up to present day, happily married to The Captain, life has taken me on quite a journey.
In the past day or so, I've been pouring over my journals at the five year mark of widowhood . . . late 2007/early 2008.  The frustration with myself was intense and changed frequently.  I perceive this phase as my time of awakening.  The anxiety of it all was confusing to the point of feeling like I was about to lose my mind.  The irony is it may have been one of the sanest times of my life.
2008 was the year I finally got a real job after being a retailer for over a decade.  My online stores went from being extremely prosperous to costing me money almost overnight when the economy tanked.  
For the first time since I moved away from my parents' home, I had to worry about money and survival.  Getting a real job meant failure to me since I had finally escaped it after working in the corporate world for so long.  I was no longer my own boss . . . I had lost the freedom that was so precious to me.
The two posts that follow span a few months and opposite perceptions of life, accentuating the confusing times I went through in this phase, knowing I had to make drastic changes that were freaking me out.
I do not consider myself "normal" yet, but I have moved on with my life into a new phase, no longer confused.  I've already been there and done that.  The changes yet to be made includes a partner to help me through the changing tides that guide us into yet another phase of life.


Originally posted on January 5, 2008
The strange thing about life changes is our attitude and perception of them which in turn affects how we handle them and what our reactions are during different phases of life changes.

The following entry was written a few months ago, but my way of thinking has changed in just that short time. Now I see my future as an adventure and don't hate my life as it is. What is so exciting about what I see now is that my possibilities are endless, rather than hopeless.

The sky is the limit . . . my life can be whatever I want it to be.
What an exciting thought to begin the new year with. 


Originally posted on September 28, 2007

The beautiful voice of Stevie Nicks . . . one of my favorite female singers . . . a timeless beauty and an inspiration that we can age gracefully.  Landslide has  been one of my favorite songs. For some reason, I've wanted to hear it over and over again this morning

Maybe it is the featured lyrics that haunt me and have got me to thinking. Changes are a part of life . . . I've never liked changes. I'm the type of person who likes to put my roots down and incrementally perfect my reality, but not drastically change it.

Having said that, I have gone through so many changes in my life and made it through all of them. In retrospect, it seems to me like all the changes in my life have been good ones. I've learned from all of them and I've handled the seasons of my life quite nicely . . . and yes, times have made me bolder and stronger. But JR was by my side when I made those changes, I wasn't alone. It doesn't feel that way at the time though, I'm alone and all of a sudden making changes is scary. Even the little ones.

The recent changes have been many . . . five years has seemed like a lifetime that stood still, but they haven't. When I see my reflection, I don't like what I see and I need to make drastic changes. For the first time in my life, I have so much confusion. I don't like the reflection of an indecisive woman, I'm a decisive person by nature. Is it depression or whatever label "it" is given . . . that strange feeling?

I'm normally one of those people who knows what they want . . . and I'm very detail oriented . . . my dreams have always been in details. But JR's death was such a shock to my system, it knocked me down so hard and even though I've gotten up and fallen down several times already, I'm still feeling strong, but so confused. I still don't know what I want out of life. My life was set, everything was determined in details . . . it included my partner. I was so happy, I never wanted anything to change, our lives were as perfect as life can get.

I keep climbing that mountain and turn around . . . I took my love, took it down . . . God forgive me, but I'm hating my life this morning. I feel so out of control while feeling strong and bold . . . honestly I don't know what I want and it is hard to move forward in this state. The constant theme of my writings have been that I am one of life's contradictions . . . all things at once and they are all having a battle to win.

Will the landslide bring me down before I can  sail through the changing ocean tides? 
Time will tell . . .

read more