How to Stop Worrying

“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.”

Swedish Proverb

Isn't that the truth?

As much as I hate the robbing of my peace of mind that worrying brings, I can't stop.  Sometimes it feels like an addiction, other times I feel cursed.

There are times the serenity prayer works, you know, don't worry about those things you can't control.  Somehow, the mind can trick you into believing that you DO have control about the thing, so off you go on your worry journey.

In my case, I truly believe it is a learned thing since both my grandmother and mother have had the affliction since I can remember.  My experience with them has shown me how ridiculous and to what lengths the worry emotion will take you, but I convince myself I am not as extreme.

One of my favorite blogs, The Positivity Blog, posted an article "How to Stop Worrying: 9 Simple Habits" that really hit home and made a lot of sense to me.  What follows is an excerpt of that article.  The source link follows the post.

1. Most of things you worry about have never happened.

I love this quote by Winston Churchill:

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”

I have found it to be very true in my own life.

So when you feel worries starting to pop up ask yourself this:

How many of the things I feared would happen in my life did actually happen?

If you are anything like me then the answer will be: very few. And the very few ones that actually happened were mostly not as painful or terrible as I had expected.

Worries are most often just monsters you build in your own mind.

I find that asking myself this question regularly and reminding myself of how little of the worries that actually came to life makes easier and easier to stay calm and to stop a worried thought before it becomes a big snowball of negativity.

2. Avoid getting lost in vague fears.

When fears feel vague in your mind, when you lack clarity then it is very easy to get lost in exaggerated worries and disaster scenarios.

So find clarity in a worry-inducing situation by asking yourself:

Honestly and realistically, what is the worst that could happen?

When I have answered that question then I follow it up with spending a bit of time on figuring out what I can do about it if that pretty unlikely thing happens.

In my experience, the worst that could realistically happens is usually not as scary as what my mind could make up when it is running wild with vague fears.

Spending a few minutes on finding clarity in this way can save you whole lot of time, energy and suffering.

3. Don’t try to guess what is on someone’s mind.

Trying to read someone’s mind usually doesn’t work too well at all. Instead, it can very easily lead to creating an exaggerated and even disastrous scenario in your mind.

So choose a way that is less likely to lead to worries and misunderstandings.

Communicate and ask what you want to ask.

By doing so you’ll promote openness in your relationship and it will likely be happier as you avoid many unnecessary conflicts and negativity.

4. Say stop in a situation where you know you cannot think straight.

From time to time when I am hungry or when I am lying in bed and are about to go to sleep I can become mentally vulnerable. And so worries can more easily start buzzing around in my head.

In the past this often lead to many minutes of time that where no fun.

These days I have become better at catching such thoughts quickly and to say to myself:

No, no, we are not going to think about this now.

I then follow that up with saying this to myself:

I will think this situation or issue through at a time when I know that my mind will work much better.

Like when I have eaten. Or in the morning when I have gotten my sleep.

It takes some practice to apply this one consistently and effectively but it also makes a big difference in my life.

5. Remember, people don’t think about you and what you do as much as you may think.

They have their hands full with thinking about what other people think of them. And with thinking about what is closest to their hearts like their children, pets, a partner or the job or school.

So don’t get lost in worries about what people may think or say if you do something. Don’t let such thoughts hold you back in life.

6. Work out.

Few things work so well and consistently as working out to release inner tensions and to move out of a headspace that is extra vulnerable to worries.

I also find that working out – especially with free weights – makes me feel more decisive and focused.

So even though working out helps me to build a stronger body my main motivation to keep doing it is for the wonderful and predictable mental benefits.

7. Let your worry out into the light.

This is one of my favorites. Because it tends to work so well.

By letting your “big” worry out into the light and talking about it with someone close to you it becomes a whole lot easier to see the situation or issue for what it really is.

Just venting for a few minutes can make a big difference and after a while you may start to wonder what you were so worried about in the first place.

Sometimes the other person may only have to listen as you work through the situation yourself out loud.

At other times it can be very helpful to let the other person ground you and help you find a more practical and useful perspective on the situation at hand.

If you do not have anyone to talk to at the moment about the worry bouncing around in your mind then let it out by writing about it. Just getting it out of your head and reasoning about with yourself either on paper or in a journal on your computer can help you to calm down and find clarity.

8. Spend more time in the present moment.

When you spend too much time reliving the past in your mind then it easy to start feeding your worries about the future. When you spend too much time in the future then is also easy to get swept away by disaster scenarios.

So focus on spending more of your time and attention in the present moment.

Two of my favorite ways to reconnect with what is happening right now:

• Slow down. Do whatever you are doing right now but do it slower. Move, talk, eat or ride your bicycle slower. By doing so you’ll become more aware of what is happening all around you right now.
• Disrupt and reconnect. If you feel you are starting to worry then disrupt that thought by shouting this to yourself in your mind: STOP! Then reconnect with the present moment by taking just one or two minutes to focus to 100% on what is going on around you. Take it all in with all your senses. Feel it, see it, smell it, hear it and sense it on your skin.

9. Refocus on the small step you can take to move forward.

To move out the worried headspace I find it really, really helpful to just start moving and taking action to start solving or improving whatever I am concerned about.

So I ask myself:

What is one small step I can take right now to start improving this situation I am in?

Then I focus on just taking that small step forward. After that I find another small step and I take that one too.

Source

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Declaration of Love

If you love someone, let them know.

It’s easy to take our feelings for granted and to assume that the people we care about know how we feel about them. But while those we love are often quite cognizant of our feelings, saying “I love you” is a gift we should give to our loved ones whenever we can. Letting people know you love them is an important part of nurturing any kind of loving relationship. Few people tire of being told they are loved, and saying “I love you” can make a world of difference in someone’s life, take a relationship to a new level, or reaffirm and strengthen a steady bond. Everyone needs to hear the words “I love you.” Three simple words – I - Love - You. When you declare your love for someone you admit to them that you care for them in the most significant way.

It can be difficult to express your love using words, particularly if you grew up around people that never expressed their affection verbally. But you should never be afraid to say “I love you” or worry that doing so will thrust you into a position of excessive vulnerability. It is important to share your feelings with those that matter to you. Part of the fulfillment that comes with loving someone is telling them that you love them. Besides, love exists to be expressed, not withheld.

If you love someone, let them know. Don’t be afraid of the strength of your emotions or worry that your loved one won’t feel the same way. Besides, the words “I love you” are often best said to another without expectation of a return investment. As each one of us is filled with an abundance of love, there is never any worry that you’ll run out of love if your expression of love isn’t said back to you. Saying “I love you” is a gift of the heart sent directly via words to the heart of a recipient. Even though it may not always look that way, love from the heart is an offering that is always unconditional and given without strings attached. That is the true essence of the gift of “I love you.”

Source:  Daily Om

Happy Valentine's Day!

It is that one day that the special gift of love, the declaration of love does come with strings attached.  The declaration of love on Valentine's Day is expected to be reciprocated.  Isn't it?

Withheld love is a hopeless romantic's most horrific nightmare, just a thought that crossed my mind as I read the above quote from Daily Om.

Everyone deserves to be cared for in a significant way, declared not only in words, but in actions.  Not only on Valentine's Day, but every day.

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The Comfort Zone

Our day-to-day demands can quickly take their toll on our well-being if we are not vigilant about caring for ourselves as best we can. One way we can ensure that we have an opportunity to relax and recuperate each day is to create a soft place to land when we arrive home. This landing pad, whether it is an entire room or merely a small corner of a larger area, can provide us with a safe and comforting refuge in which we can decompress and recover from the day’s stresses. There, we are enveloped in feelings of security that transcend other issues that may be unfolding in our homes. Our landing pads also act as way stations that enable us to shift our attention away from our outer-world concerns and back to our inner-world needs. 

To create a soft place to land in your home, begin by scouting potential locations. Or perhaps your entire home is your landing pad in which case you may only need to declutter. Your habits can often provide you with insight into the perfect spot, as there may be an area of your home you gravitate to naturally when you are in need of comfort. Any space in which you find it easy to let go of stress and anxiety can become your landing pad. A basement or attic, spare room, or unused storage area, furnished with items that soothe you, can give you the privacy you need to unwind. If you appreciate the elements, you may find that spending time in a section of your garden or outdoor patio helps you release the day’s tensions. Preparing these spaces can be as easy as replacing clutter with a small selection of beautiful objects that put you in a relaxed frame of mind. Remember to consider noise and activity levels while choosing the site of your landing pad. If you know that ordinary human commotion will distract you from your purpose, look for a secluded spot. 

The soft place to land that you create should inspire within you the mantra, “I can breath here. I can relax here. I know I am safe here.” When you return to your home after braving worldly rigors, you will feel a subtle yet tranquil shift occur inside of you as you settle in to this most personal of retreats and feel centered once again. 

Source:  Daily Om

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The Encouragement of Love

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.

Louisa May Alcott

There are times that a strong faith in God or the guidance and encouragement from those we love and look up to make all the difference in the world. Some are lucky enough to have both.

God's love and guidance is available to everyone.  Hopefully we all have those who love and encourage us when we need it.

Do you sometimes have the vision but lack the motivation to reach your highest aspirations?  Do you reach out to those you love in these times?  Do you trust enough to follow where they may lead you?

It all starts with the first rung of the ladder and progresses toward the top at its own pace.  There are times when trying to reach the top in the first step will lead you nowhere . . . it is impossible, or so it seems.  Isn't it the purpose of a ladder, to take one step at a time?

It is faith and trust that leads us to that first step.

The following is an excerpt from a Daily Om article that speaks of trusting in those we love to help us make that first step, or the second, or third.

"The love of important people in our lives can serve as a secure foundation for our outer-world endeavors because knowing that we are cared for grants us a higher degree of self-confidence than we might otherwise have known. 

We can courageously take risks and embark upon endeavors that take us outside of our comfort zones because we know that we can retreat into the affectionate embrace of the important people in our lives if anything should go wrong. Likewise, simply knowing that these individuals believe that we are capable of achieving great feats of emotional and intellectual fortitude provides us with much of the strength we need to prevail over adversity.

You will feel the weighty comfort of the tenderness of those who love you today, and the security this comfort affords you will help you grow as an individual."

Source: Daily Om

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Deliriously Happy in the Midst of Blahs

It occurred to me today that January is the "Monday" of the year.

Once the ball drops on New Years Eve, for most of us, the festivities are over for another year.

In my case, January should be a great month since it marks the end of the "dreaded season," however, the blahs have continued to plague me.

The conclusion I've come to is that my "purpose" has been lost in the shuffle and changes of life.  Since The Captain and I got married, he made it through a long recovery after having a difficult surgery . . . we decided to "semi-retire" and enjoy life.  He quit his job and I never went back to work after my last job disappointment and I honestly don't have the desire to go back to the rat race of office politics.

My life is at a place that many would envy, so why do I have the blahs?  How do I get my "purpose" back? Do I even know what it is?  Am I still going through the guilt thing that I'm here and JR is not.  Does that keep me from enjoying life to the fullest?

I can remember a time in my life when I would hear about people who retire soon die because they lose their purpose . . . I would laugh and think "I'd love to have that problem" as I lived through the draining day-to-day challenge of everyday life in the corporate world.

Where is the "happy medium" of balance we all strive for?  Perhaps for me it is simply getting closer in touch with my spiritual side.

The irony of deliriously happy in the midst of blahs . . .

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The Monsters in the Closet

Pay attention to your emotions

"Emotions are the next frontier to be understood and conquered. To manage our emotions is not to drug them or suppress them, but to understand them so that we can intelligently direct our emotional energies and intentions.... It's time for human beings to grow up emotionally, to mature into emotionally managed and responsible citizens. No magic pill will do it."  ~ Doc Childre


Many of us believe that we need to keep a tight lid on our emotions. We fear that if we ever allow these emotions to be expressed, they will do serious damage.

But if we summon up the courage to truly feel our emotions, we discover that they don't last. The monster in the closet turns out to be a pussycat. In fact, if we are willing to experience our emotions completely, without resistance of any kind, they burn themselves out in only a few minutes.

The only thing that keeps emotions alive within you over long periods is your unwillingness to acknowledge them.

"By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid and stereotyped; by repressing them we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged, they perfume life; discouraged, they poison it."  ~ Joseph Collins

Source: Higher Awareness

It has been a difficult month . . . December usually is.  There have been a myriad of emotions that have been my monster in the closet.

First of all, grief.  It is the one emotion that is always looming and floating around my thoughts, which sometimes gets the best of me.  This month it was compounded by two deaths in my extended family.  One was expected, the other was totally unexpected and especially painful.  Both deaths took my thoughts to places in the past where these two beautiful people touched my life and I contemplated their affect on my life. All of this thinking took me to other places of grief to a very disturbing journey of revisiting all those important people who have disappeared from my life, never to appear again.  Grief can be a vicious cycle.

By all means, I did not starve my emotions this month.  In fact, I fed them way too much.  All the monsters were very hungry!

With my emotions in a delicate condition, this situation of no running water for yet another month had me to the point of wanting to scream at the top of my lungs without ceasing.  How awful to have to live this way with no end in sight.  This too shall pass . . .

The monsters from my childhood also stay at the edge of the closet, coming out to haunt and torment me randomly.  Although the emotions seem trivial and silly to others, they are very real to me.  They came at me fiercely around Christmas.

Although many of us try to sweep the monsters back in the closet, we all have them and must deal with them as they show themselves.  Mine always come out with a vengeance around the holidays.  Maybe I don't deal with them enough during the year.

Of course it was not all bad.  The Captain and I had some very joyous times. We treated ourselves to a few culinary toys that we are thoroughly enjoying. Christmas Eve was spent at my cousin's house for the annual pig roast.  We arrived early to experience the process of roasting a pig.  It made me very happy to spend quality time with my aunt, uncle and cousins.  The simple things in life are so special and these are the things I will remember when I think of this holiday season.

Hopefully the monsters will go back to hide in the closet as the ball drops on New Years Eve, marking the end of the holidays and the dreaded season. Having said all that I've said, they are way more joyous since I met The Captain.  He's my hero and gift from God . . . the light at the end of the dark closet.

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The State of Bliss

Bliss is a stage which is above any emotional state that is characterized as extreme peace or happiness with feelings of enjoyment, pleasure, and satisfaction above all other feelings.

Bernadette Roberts addresses the question of states of bliss and oneness in her book "The Experience of No Self."  Her belief is the higher state of bliss comes and goes, but once bliss is attained, one gets used to it and it is no longer experience as a "high" . . . and becomes the norm.

I tend to disagree with Bernadette Roberts.  How can bliss come and go, yet become the norm?  Would it be the same as attaining our ultimate goal and deem ourselves so successful that we can't achieve more success?

Of course, something that is attained for any period of time can become the norm, positive or negative, bliss or emotional pain.  But how does one know it is the "ultimate" and the emotional condition can go no higher?  My belief is that ultimate bliss is never achieved . . . it can always go higher yet bringing us the sensation of personal satisfaction.

There are the states of bliss and individual opinions of what bliss actually is.

A quote by John Keats states a soft kiss is bliss . . .  "Now a soft kiss - Aye, by that kiss, I vow an endless bliss."

I guess one could interpret a soft kiss as endless bliss, depending on the individuals and their place in a relationship, yet for another it is just a state of being.

For J.K. Rowling, it is "The idea of just wandering off to a cafe with a notebook and writing and seeing where that takes me for awhile is just bliss."  It is not the interaction with another person, but the state of being with one's self.

Ask 10 people what does bliss mean to them and you will no doubt get ten interpretations, just as if you asked 10 people what is happiness or any other emotion or state of being.

It is just one of those states of being that you know if you have experienced it and if you haven't, you long for it.  If you are in the state of bliss, you want to stay there forever.

For me, true love is bliss.

What does "bliss" mean to you?

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Unrealistic Expectations

Most women are guilty of unrealistic expectations when looking for love and forever . . . aren't we?

Although we know for a fact that Prince Charming does not exist, we still search for him. If the expectation is to find a man who has the traits we most look for in a man, good looks, humorous, stable, patient, trusting and loyal (I know I am leaving out many more), we may as well be looking for that magic carpet that will take us off into the sunset.

Men are equally guilty of unrealistic expectations when searching for their perfect woman . . . you know you are guys!

We are human . . . we want it all when it comes to most everything, but especially when looking for love.  None of us want to settle for imperfections in another person, although we are not perfect ourselves.

Any type of relationship takes time and patience.  However, when high expectations of fantasy collide with reality, we are setting ourselves up for a long period of time trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, losing patience that will ultimately result in failure.

No matter where you are in your relationship, the most important thing to learn is how to reasonably compromise.  Equally as important is being realistic about the type of person you want when searching for your forever soulmate . . . he or she is worth it.

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Fear

Today I am fearful and I'm not sure of what . . . just fearful.

My emotional balance is off and harmony is not flowing in the least bit.

The holidays take my emotions as hostage and I let it take me time and time again.  I'm back on the merry-go-round that I don't know how to get off of.

I'm living proof of "The only thing to fear is fear itself" . . . thank you Franklin D. Roosevelt!

Many other quotes say it all about being scared, fearful and afraid much better than I . . . my thoughts are cloudy, but I needed to write . . .

So often, when you start hearing about deliberate creation or when you've been reared in a world of dos and don'ts, you're guarded and tentative, you're afraid you're going to make a mistake, you're afraid you're going to cross a line that you can't step back from, and we say, that cannot happen. Boldly flow, and you can tell by the way you feel whether you're flowing in harmony or not, you see. (Abraham through Esther Hicks) - abraham-hicks.com

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” (Theodore Roosevelt)

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.” (Helen Keller)

When we have the courage to speak our minds and use our voice to send the desires of our hearts from our inner world to the world outside, we take a bold step in making them happen. (Author Unknown)

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. (Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1882-1945)

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. (Robert F. Kennedy)

Determination, patience and courage are the only things needed to improve any situation. (Author Unknown)

Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there. (Marcus Antoninus)

There would be nothing to frighten you if you refused to be afraid. (Gandhi)

Do the thing you fear to do and keep on doing it... that is the quickest and surest way ever yet discovered to conquer fear. (Dale Carnegie)

It is not death that man should fear, but he should never fear beginning to live. (Marcus Aurelius)

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The sum of your choices

A life without challenges would be like going to school without lessons to learn. Challenges come not to depress or get you down; but to master, and to grow, and unfold your abilities. (Source) - www.pravsworld.com

Acknowledge that you failed, draw your lessons from it, and use it to your advantage to make sure it never happens again.
(Michael Johnson)

It seems like every time something perceived as
 "bad" happens, many of us ask "why?"


A long time ago, I came to the conclusion that everything, good and bad, happens for a reason.  Most of the time there is a lesson to be learned.

It doesn't always seem that way if you have followed my blog for any length of time.  The dark side of me tends to go negative first, then slowly transcends to positive mode after analyzing the situation.  There are times I will nearly drive myself crazy trying to figure out the reason, although there are not always specific reasons, just realizations of life that need to be learned.

Reactions to life circumstances are choices made by our God given gift of free will and intuition. 

All of those choices make up our life.

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Teetering on the edge

Relationships can become out of balance  and one-sided if we don’t occasionally  check in with each other.

"One of the most beautiful qualities of an intimate relationship is the give and take of energy that occurs between two people. In the best-case scenario, both people share the talking and listening, and the giving and receiving of support, equally. 

Occasionally, within any relationship, the balance shifts and one person needs to listen more, or give more. Generally, over a long period of time, even this exception will take on a balanced rhythm; we all go through times when we take more and times when we give more."

Source:  Daily Om 

It has been a trying time!  We are still without running water . . . the end of Week #7 . . . no immediate end in site.  Having a well system rather than the convenience of municipality provided water really does suck. Our municipality wants at least $15,000 to get hooked up since this area is not set up for this service . . . you would think is routine in a "modern" big city.  It doesn't matter that we pay local taxes!

The strange thing is that this whole time of unforeseen hardship, The Captain and I have become closer than we were before.

There have been times I felt as though I absolutely could not deal with this problem any longer.  Those times of teetering on the edge of sanity and insanity, that loss of balance, proved to be opportunities of soul searching and comfort.  The discouraging times for The Captain found me experiencing optimism which has helped him going.

As problems arise, we find solutions . . . it is not the end of the world.  We have so much to be grateful for.

We are living the above quote . . . hardships can become blessings . . . believe it or not!

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The Dreaded Holidays

Can you relate to Grumpy Cat when it comes to the holidays?

I've been enjoying the Christmas movie marathon on the Hallmark Channel that started last week.  Major progress for me and the holidays in general.  My holiday Grumpy Cat days are over . . . thank God!

Since JR died, even though I have moved on with my life and remarried, I still don't have the festive urge to put up a Christmas tree.  The Captain and I have gone through the boxes of stuff so he could experience my past Christmas memories through the massive amount of ornaments that would fill the Christmas trees . . . that is all I have been able to handle.

Those times reminiscing and sharing memories with The Captain are very special for me.  In past years, we have celebrated the holidays . . . watched the holiday specials and movies . . . gone to dinners and parties, but the most special are the times we make our favorite holiday meals and share memories.  However, no evidence seen in the home decor that the holidays have arrived.

I've noticed a popular theme in Christmas movies is the dread of the holidays for those who have experienced some type of loss in their lives that can make the holidays unbearable.  I tend to really like those movies since they don't make me feel like such a freak of nature.  Most of the stories have happy endings and as a viewer, I can quickly experience how they progress through their healing to being "normal" again.

At least I can now watch those Christmas movies without cringing at the approaching holidays . . . I'm slowly getting back to enjoying the holidays and the festivities associated with them.  Will I ever consider myself "normal" again as far as the holidays are concerned?  Honestly . . . I don't know!

It is no reflection on how I feel about The Captain.  In fact, his past holiday seasons were none too festive either and I really believe he has no festive attachment to them as well.  At least he doesn't make me feel like a freak!  One day, I'm sure we will develop our own holiday traditions when the time is right, but for now we have a good time when we join in the holiday festivities with friends and family.

When I think back on holidays past shortly after JR died, this is definite progress!  I really wanted the holidays to go away and absolutely hated joining in family holiday festivities.  Not because I don't love my family . . . I just didn't want to feel like a freak in the midst of normalcy.

Don't feel like a freak if you don't enjoy or even dread the holidays . . . not everyone enjoys them for "whatever" reason . . . especially for those who are still healing from the open wounds of "whatever."

Everything happens in its own time!

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Refuse to be a victim

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are,
you would never think a negative thought.

Peace Pilgrim

"We focus on the negatives, losing ourselves in the ‘problem.’
We point to our unhappy circumstances to rationalize
our negative feelings. This is the easy way out.
It takes, after all, very little effort to feel victimized."

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

We hold the power in our thoughts.

Nothing and no one can make us a victim.
We do it to ourselves when we allow external
circumstances to hold power over us.

Although we have no control over what happens to us,
we ALWAYS have a choice in how we respond.

We hold our power when we accept complete
responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions.

"A man may fall many times but he won't be a failure
until he says someone pushed him."

Elmer G. Letterman

"The most potent weapon in the hands
of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed."

Steven Biko

Those of us afflicted with any type of depression can relate to the pity party.

When I look back at some of my parties, they have included a friend or two going through a bad time.  Funny thing about having a pity party with someone else is how we tend to "one up" each other with the problems.  It is a mind game.

Of course I still have them, but my life is finally on the path to where I want to be, so they are less frequent and don't last as long as they once did.  

I continue to work on my reaction to circumstances, seeing them in a positive light rather than totally negative eyes.  It is all perspective and the thoughts are in our control.

My healing really started to kick in at the end of 2008, a couple of months before I met The Captain . . . the following post is from that time.

This post was originally published
on December 8, 2008

I'll admit to my times of wanting to give up and wallow in the depths of a pity party, wailing "woe is me . . . poor me . . . I am a victim" . . . my long time online friends and readers of my blogs have been witness to those pity party posts. Some I left in my blogs to show myself and others how idiotic that behavior is, to measure the progression of my adventurous journey into a "normal" life.

Many of those posts have been buried deep in my blogs, some remain on Yahoo 360, waiting to be brought back to life . . . and they will . . . the entire story needs to be told. I need to go back periodically and see the really bad times so I can appreciate the progress.

It is so easy to sit back and be a victim of life circumstances . . . the difficult part is healing from whatever got you there. In my case, "friends and loved ones" did not agree with my methods and shunned me for being "strange" because I needed to be left alone at certain times, but abandoned me when I needed them. Isn't love, compassion and friendship about understanding a fellow human being's needs when they are hurting?

As a result of compounded emotions, the feeling of betrayal in the midst of dealing with the grief of death, I'm fearful of being myself with anyone who wants to get close to me . . . they will also think that I am "strange" for living this hermit lifestyle that has suited me fine as I healed from a myriad of emotions. It has all been along the path on my life's journey . . . bridges that needed to be crossed, even if they had to be burned once I was on the other side. I continue to have trust issues . . . and the positive aspect is that I have learned to deal with problems on my own.

Although I did not always deal with obstacles as well as I should have, I continued to pick myself up and attempt to move forward in my own way. It is the only way I know . . . one step at a time . . . one moment at a time . . . whatever it takes to get through it maintaining sanity.

All in all, I refuse to be a victim . . . I've never been a loser and will die trying to get myself back to the path of being a normal person again . . . even if I am alone for the rest of my life, I have embraced my solitude which has made me a stronger person. When and if I find that person who will become my significant other . . . that relationship will enhance the contentment in my life.

A couple of months after writing that post in 2008,

the course of the rest of my life changed when

The Captain came into my life.

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