Putting perfectionism into perspective

Through the years, I've been able to shed some of the stereotypical traits of a perfectionist, but it has been a long journey that took me through bouts of depression.

What I am about to say is going to come off sounding awful, but it is honest.  I could care less what others think of me.  My perfectionist tendencies prove something to myself, not others.

That root cause stems from my rebellious young adult years trying to prove my dad wrong.  I’ve written about this before.  He demanded perfection and every time I’d get close to what I perceived as his “perfection,” he would raise the bar.

In the beginning it was about my dad’s approval and acceptance, but once I realized it just wasn’t ever going to happen, my rebellious side just wanted to prove him wrong.  It was validation to myself that I wasn’t the piece of crap he made me out to be.

Perfectionism is a perceived state of mind.  First of all, no one is perfect.  Who is to say what perfection is?  One person’s perfection is another’s failure.  It is dependent on who is judging the “perfection” . . . and who makes them the judge?

Learn the difference between perfectionism and striving to do your best. 

I don’t know if this is going to make sense to anyone but me, but being a creative and rebellious person keeps me from being a straight up perfectionist.  A perfectionist would not attempt to create for fear that their creation would totally suck.  The creative person absolutely has to create since they must see their vision in reality.

Many years ago I realized that I was still trying to gain my dad’s approval . . . and he had passed away years before the realization.  It was the one breakthrough that has helped me slowly make improvements to a healthier state of mind.  I never was a perfectionist to begin with . . . I just thought I was.  That state of mind tormented me which lead to severe depression.

These days I strive to do my best . . . it is all I can do.  The most important thing to remember is to put perfectionism into perspective!

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Living in harmony

"Peace comes not from the absence of conflict,
but from the ability to cope with it."

Unknown Source

"Peace is not won by those who fiercely guard their
 differences, but by those who with open minds
 and hearts seek out connections."
Katherine Paterson 

 "Harmony makes small things grow,
 lack of it makes great things decay."

Sallust

Our human nature tends to gravitate towards controlling, 

managing and changing others.  

We are usually met with negative results since it is also

 human nature for people not to change unless they want to

 . . . some personality types will rebel against the change

even if they want to.

The reality is that a person cannot

 change anyone but themselves.  

Be the change . . . 
and the world around you will also change.

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The Bad Date . . . a nightmare from the past!

This was my first attempt at entering a writing contest back in September of 2007 . . . and it was voted first place . . . back in the days of Yahoo 360 blogs.  

It is unfortunately a true story . . . one of my first adventures with online dating after becoming a widow . . . I would say this story took place in 2005.

It was time to move on . . . after all, it had been over two years since my husband passed away. Since I was already online 24/7 as a full time eBay seller and a certifiable computer geek, my friends encouraged me to try computer dating.

Huh? How do you "date" on the computer? lol 
 Then the thought occurred to me that I make my living online, do my banking online, pay my bills online, order pizza for delivery online, learned out how to fix my toilet online . . . hmmmm why not make a love connection online? 
John and I made our connection through an "online dating service" and then corresponded through chat and phone. Since I'm so picky and don't want to waste my time on someone I know I would not like, I asked a lot of questions, wanted to see lots of photos and am very up front about what I am looking for. In turn, I do the same and accentuate my flaws as I don't want to disappoint anyone or waste their time either. 
After corresponding for roughly three months, we decided to meet . . . I know it was a long time, but I wanted to be sure and I was scared to death to jump into the dating scene. Keep in mind I was married 22 years and had not been on a "date" in a very very long time . . . thrown out in the jungle to fend for myself and find a new love to share my life with. 
John seemed to be everything I was looking for in a new love . . . he wasn't into playing games, was ready to settle down, no children, no nagging ex-wife, didn't hate women . . . NO BAGGAGE . . . from his photos, I was very attracted to him, he had an awesome personality that blended well with mine . . . we could talk for hours on the phone and time would just fly by, we liked doing the same things . . . . awwww seemed like a match made in heaven . . . 
The meeting place was a coffee shop at the mall. So far everything is cool and awesome, I was so anticipating meeting the man of my dreams . . . John seemed to fit all the criteria. As I walked into the coffee shop, I took a quick glance around and thought to myself that I must be early . . . no John . . . another thought, he changed his mind about me and I've been stood up. 
 I walk all around the place and as I was deciding where to sit and order a cup of coffee, I hear a familiar voice calling my name. When I turned around I could not believe my eyes. 
 This was not the man I had been corresponding with . . . well . . . it was, but he was using photos that were at least 20 years old. The beautiful hair was barely there and the sparkling blue eyes were lined with crows feet that were not apparent in the photos. 
 hmmmmm my italian blood started boiling immediately . . . I was deceived and all of a sudden I felt like the most stupid and gullible woman in the world. I wanted to run . . . very fast. 
He led me to his table and I ordered a cup of coffee, trying to be polite to this man that otherwise had become a friend, but definitely NOT a love connection . . . even if age was not a factor . . . HE LIED TO ME. 
 Yeah, he saw the disappointment on my face, I wear my emotions on my face, always have, even though I was trying to be polite and not hurt his feelings. But damn it . . . didn't he deserve for his feelings to be hurt? He wasted three months of my life, making me think he was someone he is not, deceiving me. 
 He finally asked me if I was disappointed . . . in my sarcastic witty way, I answered his question with questions, "Didn't you think I would be? Didn't you hear a word that I said about myself and what I expect out of a relationship? FIRST THING IS HONESTY . . ." 
When he said "I thought that if we spent enough time without you seeing me that you would fall in love with me, the person that I am before meeting me." hmmmmm it occurred to me that he was calling me a shallow person, but hey, I know what I want and I'm honest about it. Needless to say, with that statement, I had enough . . . the man was actually just as gorgeous as those photos, it was him, only 20 years older. 
 Maybe I would have given him a chance since we did hit it off, but the lie disappointed me so badly that I had a difficult time making eye contact with him and could not remain friends with him. 
Rule #1 . . . if you plan on meeting someone online, don't lie if you don't want to see the look of disappointment when you meet the person who is anticipating someone else entirely. 
Rule #2 . . . insist on seeing someone on webcam . . . at least that was one lesson learned . . . Three years later and more than a few disappointing experiences . . . I'm embracing my solitude . . . and enjoying it more every day.

Jumping back to present day . . . I have found that person I was searching for.  It took many years, but good things come to those who wait.  Not everyone you meet online is a bad person . . . I met the most wonderful person in the whole world on Twitter.  It is not all bad . . . you just have to be careful when dealing with people online.
This story is one of the many nightmares I experienced in those days following becoming a widow, but in the end, I am so grateful I never gave up on trust and faith.

EXCERPTS OF COMMENTS FROM THE ORIGINAL BLOG POST ON YAHOO 360

 

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Emotional Responses

Our emotions can lead to discovery of issues within ourselves that we may not be willing to face.  However, sweeping bad feelings "under the rug" and ignoring them will not make it better.  Quite the contrary, since they can grow and fester with disastrous consequences.

Bad situations can be opportunities to improve our relationships and learn how to handle our emotions more effectively.

By developing the process of exploring our reactions and emotions when we are upset by the words or actions of others, it becomes possible to develop a greater sense of security.  Understanding emotions makes it easier to deal with fears, bothersome issues and circumstances we encounter.

The result is healthier relationships with greater harmony.  

Being in touch with our emotions can also 

avoid a downward spiral into depression.

Live your life with greater harmony . . . 

explore your emotional responses honestly.

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The miracle of change . . . and boredom

The feeling of boredom is often misunderstood and

 can actually mean we need to look under

 the layers for change.

Sometimes we feel that things aren't moving along fast enough for us and that the world is passing us by. It may be that time seems to stand still and that we are simply bystanders in our own lives. Other times it might appear that there is nothing new left for us to experience and that we are locked into a never-ending cycle of stasis. If we take the time to listen to these feelings we will notice that there is probably more going on beneath the surface, like our apprehension to venture out into the unknown. By taking a new look at how we live our lives, however, it will be easier to break through our sense of boredom and enter into a more positive state of being.

When life seems monotonous, it is usually an indication that there is something we need to change. Boredom can easily lead us down the path to despondency. Acknowledging our feelings and then setting the intention to alter just one small thing in our life can give us a much more affirmative outlook. This act of change allows us to step outside of ourselves and discover new and exciting things that are often already present in our everyday lives. 

Simple things such as eating a healthier diet, taking a new class, or joining a club are all ways in which we can go beyond our comfort zone and explore the wonders that exist all around us. Keep in mind that the moment we do something different from our usual routine, the more fresh energy, hope, and blessings we will manifest in our life. What this means is that we'll no longer see things as being tedious but will instead realize the preciousness of everything.

Being able to integrate these subtle changes on a daily basis allows us to recognize the miracles that are our lives. Even though we may think of change as doing something life-altering or drastic, gentle transitions from our habitual ways of doing things and an appreciation of all life offers us will truly bring about positive and lasting transformation.

Source: Daily Om

Being overwhelmed with way too many projects at one time tends to turn into boredom for me, especially if the projects are those I don't particularly enjoy doing, like housework.  I'm guilty of putting things off . . . procrastinating . . . then they build up, hitting me with the feeling of extreme boredom and overwhelm.  It may sound strange that too much to do bores me as much as not enough to do, but it does.

Then there is straight up boredom for whatever reason . . . sometimes I don't even know why I'm bored.

What I need to do is contemplate making some incremental changes described in the article from Daily Om . . . hopefully the article will give you some inspiration to make subtle changes in your life too.

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Valuing Someone Gives Meaning

Showing someone that you value them resonates the soul within them and makes them feel loved and appreciated.

The need for love and being valued is so strong because it gives us meaning, and meaning is achieved through being of value to others in relationships. Valuing someone helps them overcome the fear of living a meaningless life - one of the primary adult fears. 

When was the last time you showed or told someone you valued them for who they were?

Source: The Soul Journey 

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep . . . wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU . . . The one who turns to his friends and says, that's her..."

~ Author unknown ~

It is human nature to desire acceptance and love.  Isn't it?

For me, there is nothing like the safe feeling of being loved, valued and appreciated for who I am, like being wrapped up in a warm blanket on a cold day.  Relationships built on mutual respect, appreciation and value, as well as love, can be one of the most beautiful aspects of life itself.

While a person can live a whole life without a life partner, finding happiness and fulfillment in one's solitude, for me, there is something missing without that special person in my life.  Especially after losing my life partner at a young age, the emptiness within was screaming at me since I had experienced that safe feeling.  

The bonus is being loved as I am without having to change who I am.

"To love is nothing, To be loved is something,

To love and be loved is everything." 

~ Author unknown ~

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Meaning in life

Meaning doesn’t lie in things; meaning lies in us. 

When we attach a value to things that aren’t love and cannot love— the money, the car, the house—we’re loving things that can’t love us back.

We’re searching for meaning in the meaningless, and this will always cause pain.

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