Moving in real time

Fast-Forward Button

We all go through times when we wish we could press a fast-forward button and propel ourselves into the future and out of our current circumstances. Whether the situation we are facing is minor, or major such as the loss of a loved one, it is human nature to want to move away from pain and find comfort as soon as possible. Yet we all know deep down that we need to work through these experiences in a conscious fashion rather than bury our heads in the sand, because these are the times when we access important information about ourselves and life. The learning process may not be easy, but it is full of lessons that bring us wisdom we cannot find any other way.

The desire to press fast-forward can lead to escapism and denial, both of which only prolong our difficulties and in some cases make them worse. The more direct, clear, and courageous we are in the face of whatever we are dealing with, the more quickly we will move through the situation.

Understanding this, we may begin to realize that trying to find the fast-forward button is really more akin to pressing pause. When we truly grasp that the only way out of any situation in which we find ourselves is to go through it, we stop looking for ways to escape and we start paying close attention to what is happening. We realize that we are exactly where we need to be. We remember that we are in this situation in order to learn something we need to know, and we can alleviate some of our pain with the awareness that there is a purpose to our suffering.

When you feel the urge to press the fast-forward button, remember that you are not alone; we all instinctively avoid pain. But in doing so, we often prolong our pain and delay important learning. As you choose to move forward in real time, know that in the long run, this is the least painful way to go.

Source: Daily Om

Escaping and running away is not the answer.  

However, there are times that I question God . . . 

how much do I need to learn?

Sometimes I wonder and start to lose my faith.

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Spirits having flown

Faster than lightning is this heart of mine.

In the face of time I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my rainbow ends.

Lyrics from the song

Spirits Having Flown

by the Bee Gees

It doesn't seem possible that so much time has passed.  Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary of JR's death.  Ten years ago today, the nightmare began.  The sound of sirens, the house filled with EMS guys, the emergency room.  My sweet angel laying helplessly in the ER bed, all kinds of stuff hooked up to him. 

I was scared . . . petrified . . . my everything was breathing his last breaths and I had no idea what was about to hit me.  All seemed normal that night when he wanted to watch Monday Night Football.  

Normal?  Ten years later, I still don't feel back to "normal" . . .

He and I shared the perfect friendship, 
which is so important in a marriage.

I miss him even though I have moved on with The Captain.

How can you forget such a sweet spirit?  I never will.

His sweet spirit is still with me, 
which I'll take where my rainbow ends.

Rest in peace my sweet angel.

Spirits Having Flown | The Bee Gees

Lyrics

I never fell in love so easily.

Where the four winds blow I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my spirit flies:

Through the empty skies. We go alone,

Never before having flown.

Faster than lightning is this heart of mine.

In the face of time I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my rainbow ends.

Be my lover friend. We go alone,

Never before having flown.

[Chorus]

I am your hurricane, your fire in the sun.

How long must I live in the air?

You are my paradise, my angel on the run.

How long must I wait?

It's the dawn of the feeling that starts

From the moment you're there.

[Bridge]

You'll never know what you have done for me.

You've broken all those rules I live upon.

And I'd like to take you to my Shangri-La,

Neither here nor far away from home,

Never before having flown.

[Chorus]

I am your hurricane, your fire in the sun.

How long must I live in the air?

You are my paradise, my angel on the run.

How long must I wait?

It's the dawn of the feeling that starts

From the moment you're there.

I'd like to take you where my spirit flies,

Through the empty skies we go alone,

Never before having flown.

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Guilt . . . how to get rid of it

When I read the following article on guilt, it sounded somewhat familiar . . . and one of my biggest problems. Feeling guilty often about everything and everybody, most of which make no logical sense at all, yet I can't shake it off . . . primarily because I am alive and my husband died young . . . it has haunted me.  

Then I felt guilty since I've moved on with my life, fell in love again and now I'm someone else's wife.  It makes me wonder if other widows who have moved on have had similar emotions.  I'd love to hear from you . . .

This is the one area where guilt hits me bad, but not limited to this . . . no, I do have a conscience even though I continuously make others upset with me because I am true to myself and generally do exactly what I want to do despite what others think. But I do pay the price with guilt . . .

Everyone feels guilty from time to time, but being consumed with compunction can suck the joy out of life. I'm beginning to see it is one of the things in my life that needs to change like now.

What, Exactly, Is Guilt?

Guilt is a feeling of remorse that arises when you have done something wrong or think you have. As a rule, “people feel guilty when they feel they’ve failed or transgressed in some way,” says June Tangney, a professor of psychology at George Mason University, in Fairfax, Virginia. Guilt pops up when a spouse says something he realizes is hurtful, when a parent loses her temper with a child, or when a guest breaks the host’s heirloom vase. “It typically arises when you cause someone else pain,” Tangney says.

That is why guilt is not all bad, says Mark R. Leary, Ph.D., director of social psychology at Duke University, in Durham, North Carolina: “Emotions like guilt are essential to social relationships.” They motivate you to take other people’s feelings into account. In most cases, you simply register the feeling of guilt and that leads to some sort of attempt to make amends — to apologize, to behave with more care — which can help preserve important relationships.


When Guilt Becomes a Problem

There are times when guilt ceases to serve any purpose other than to make you unhappy. Some people even slide into exhausting self-flagellation. When you obsess about something you’ve done without any purpose or clear goal, “that’s when you need a reality check,” says Mark R. Leary, Ph.D.

But even a moderate amount of guilt can weigh on women, who tend to feel it more than men. The general view is that women are more focused on the caring role, and caring is the bedrock of guilt. What’s more, in a busy world, says professor June Tangney, women often feel that they must choose between shortchanging family and friends (guilt!), cutting corners at work (more guilt!), and ignoring their own needs (yet another type of guilt!). “For many women, the standards are impossibly high, and the world — and their inner voices — are telling them that nothing they do is good enough,” Tangney says. It’s all too easy to feel as though you’re always falling short.


How to Handle Your Guilt

1. Talk it out.

That unfortunate joke you told at the party sounds horrible when you play it over and over in your head. But if you tell a friend, it may not seem so bad. “Secrecy is the intensifier of guilt,” says Edward Hallowell, M.D., the author of Dare to Forgive: The Power of Letting Go & Moving On (HCI, $13, www.amazon.com), because keeping it to yourself doesn’t allow for fresh perspective. “Once you’ve bared something that you find troubling and discover that your friend isn’t nearly as shocked as you thought she would be, the guilt begins to drain away and you feel better.” And even if your friend is somewhat shocked, just airing the topic can keep you committed to being more sensitive in the future. By discussing the issue openly, “you accept the fact that you’re not perfect, that you’ve done things that aren’t pretty,” says Hallowell. But that doesn’t mean you should punish yourself forevermore.

2. Try to make amends.

If you’ve done something that you truly regret, say you’re sorry and try to remedy the situation. Most people appreciate the conciliatory gesture because it’s a signal that you care about their feelings and value the relationship. And you may find that they weren’t all that upset. “Very often the things you are feeling guilty about didn’t have any impact on the other person,” says Hallowell, “and you’re suffering for no reason.”

3. Try a reality check.

Guilt often arises automatically, based on standards internalized during childhood. So before you reflexively accept guilt, take a minute to stop and ask, “Am I consciously living by my own expectations?” says Mark R. Leary, Ph.D. Perhaps your mother washed and waxed the floor twice a week. But you may not feel that’s the best use of your time and energy, so you choose not to. Still, you feel guilty about not waxing. Those are your mother’s priorities, not yours. And keep in mind that you may be the only one who is invested in the thing you feel so guilty about. “Worrying about your failings as a mother because you didn’t bake homemade cupcakes when the child doesn’t even care is guilt gone wrong,” says Margaret Clark, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Yale University.

4. Give yourself credit.

Remind yourself that what you did imperfectly is just part of being human, says Leary. Tell yourself, Everybody is late from time to time. Or Everybody says something stupid on occasion. That the behavior isn’t unique to you doesn’t make it OK, but it’s reason enough to stop beating yourself up about it.

Try keeping a journal of all the good things that you’ve done. “Typically, people who are susceptible to guilt have a hard time giving themselves credit for anything,” says Hallowell. So whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed by guilt, stop and list five things you’ve done that are praiseworthy, whether they are small or large.

5. Break a sweat.

Instead of sitting around in a funk, go for a run, a bicycle ride, or a swim or play a few sets of tennis. “Working out is like hitting the reset button on your brain,” says Hallowell. “It’s hard to exercise and feel guilty at the same time.” Granted, this is not a permanent fix for an overwhelming feeling that you aren’t pulling your weight at work or you’re neglecting a friend, but it’s a perfect antidote for smaller, isolated issues that may keep you awake for a night or two.

6. Beware of guilt trips.

Guilt isn’t always something that you load on yourself. Some people (whether they intend to or not) induce guilt in others — often to advance their own agendas.

To avoid falling prey to this, assess whether the other person’s point of view is legitimate and if he or she is taking your needs into account. For example, perhaps your elderly mother doesn’t get out much and loves your visits. But your daily presence will not literally cure what ails her, as she none-too-subtly suggests. If making the long trip to see her every day means you have to neglect your own family and yourself, this is a setup for more guilt. In this case, your mother’s need is legitimate but her representation of it is exaggerated.

Talk to the other person about solutions that work for both of you so no one feels resentment toward the other. And if all else fails, bringing her a batch of cookies (store-bought) always makes things better.


Are You Too Guilty?

When you torment yourself over every little transgression, guilt can become toxic, even paralyzing. It can also jeopardize your health, contributing to depression, social anxiety, and eating disorders. “There’s a difference between a sensitivity to other people’s feelings and toxic guilt,” says psychiatrist Edward Hallowell. To help assess how guilt may be affecting you, see how many of the following statements ring true for you.

1. You can’t seem to stop saying that you’re sorry.

2. Other people keep telling you that you’re too hard on yourself, that you expect too much from yourself.

3. Your mantras have become “I should have,” “I wish I had,” “I must.”

4. You can’t remember the last time you did something just for you: a movie, a manicure, a nap.

5. You can’t say no, even if meeting someone else’s needs means giving up the movie and the manicure.

6. You avoid people or situations because you think you don’t belong or you’re not good enough.

7. You feel resentful when you do something for someone else.

8. Everything is your fault.

9. Everything is your fault because you’re stupid, bad, or unworthy.

10. You can’t accept anything short of perfection from yourself.


Results: If more than five of the 10 statements describe how you often feel, it may be time to take steps to get your guilt under control. “Talk to friends or family about how you feel,” says Hallowell, and try the other techniques in this article. If you still can’t rein in your guilt, consider talking to a therapist for more help, says Hallowell.

Source: Real Simple

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Works of peace and love

Every act of love is a work of peace 
no matter how small.

Blessed Mother Teresa

In a recent blog post, I wrote about little things that are so important.  Since writing that post I have thought a lot about those little things.

The feeling of peace and contentment can be an act of love that is as simple as making your sweetie something to drink or surprise them with a snack when they least expect it.  For me, that awesome feeling of peace comes with the resulting smile and sparkly eyes that don't even need words.

Understanding is a necessary act of love which leads to a peaceful and happy relationship.  It takes time to break old habits that can be very irritating to another in a new relationship, but once conquered, the resulting peace is worth it.  I'm still learning!

Mutual respect should be on the list of high priorities . . . it works hand in hand with understanding.  Broken respect can turn an otherwise peaceful and loving relationship into a battleground.  Dagger beams replace acts of love . . . not a good thing!

As normal human beings, we learn how to push the buttons of another person.  Why not push the buttons that result in peace and love?

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Stress in high gear

Racing through life is very stressful. If we stay in high gear too long, we lose our ability to shift down. And when we're stressed, we can't access happiness, appreciation, fun, compassion, generosity, awareness of beauty and other wonderful qualities. High stress also triggers negative emotions like frustration, impatience, anger and fear. Life has so much to offer if we will slow down and truly experience it. We must always remember that we are the ones in control of the accelerator. We CAN choose to brake. (John & Patrice Robson) - 

Source: Higher Awareness

A racing mind with thoughts and fears running swiftly through one emotion after another can be just as exhausting as physical demands and activities.

Times of change and transition take me through the myriad of emotions, resulting in high anxiety and restlessness.  Sleep will escape me and then capture me, begging to catch up.

At the same time, it is a period of appreciation for everything I have been blessed with in my life.  Our approaching one-year wedding anniversary brings so much joy, but at the same time, the frustration of this self-imposed stressful time counteracts the good vs bad thoughts racing through my mind.

The result is that dreaded ride on the roller coaster that doesn't stop.

The above quote hit home for me today as I try to shut down those racing thoughts that have recently consumed me.  Although I know that I am ultimately in control of my thoughts and reactions to those thoughts, sometimes it is difficult to "shift down."

Can you relate to the quote?

How do you "shift down" back to "normal"?

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Little Things

The little things? 

The little moments? 

They aren't little.

Jon Kabat-Zinn

When I read the above quote this morning, my thoughts immediately went to a song from my childhood that I have not heard in years, but the lyrics and melody of the song rang through my mind like a whirlwind.

The song is about little things being so important in a romantic relationship, but it applies to any relationship.

Sometimes in the midst of everyday life, we get busy and forget those little things.  I'm guilty of it like everyone else.  

It is so important to remember those little things, those little moments . . . they are what make great memories and great relationships.

Random acts of kindness show that you care.  It doesn't have to be a big thing that takes lots of time or even money.  A simple smile "just because"  can go a long way.

I have a particular soft spot in my heart for old folks.  Many times you see them alone at the grocery store, pushing their cart down the aisles, looking so sad.  I seek them out, make eye contact and smile.  The smile that is returned . . . a twinkle in their eyes that acknowledges appreciation that someone cared enough to notice them . . . it can make my day.  It was just a little thing, but it really wasn't little.

My husband makes my day every time we go somewhere and reaches out to hold my hand or gives me a kiss out of nowhere, for no reason.  Just a little thing that means so much to me.

Little things are awesome.  
They are what makes life special.

The song took me back to my childhood and wonderful memories of one of the most important people in my life . . . my nana.  It made me smile as I remembered some little things from my past that were so special.

Little Things | Bobby Goldsboro

Lyrics

Little things that you do make me glad I'm in love with you
Little things that you say make me glad that I feel this way
The way you smile, the way you hold my hand
And when I'm down you always understand
You know I love those

Little things in my ear that you say when there's no one near
Little things that you do let me know that your love is true
When we walk, you like to hold my hand
And when we talk you tell me I'm your man
You know I love those

Little things that I hear, the little things you whisper in my ear
I know there ain't nobody else like you
No one could do the little things you do-oo

Little things that you do make me glad I'm in love with you
Little things that you say make me glad that I feel this way
When we walk, you like to hold my hand
And when we talk you tell me I'm your man
You know I love those

Little things that I hear, the little things you whisper in my ear
I know there ain't nobody else like you
No one could do the little things you do-oo

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The gift of dissappointment

The gift of disappointment is to bring us into reality so we don’t get stuck in the realm of how things might have been.
Sometimes you just have to walk away!

Whenever we do something in life with an expectation of how we’d like it to turn out, we risk experiencing disappointment. When things don’t go the way we had envisioned, we may feel a range of emotions from slightly let down to depressed or even angry. We might direct our feelings inward toward ourselves, or outward toward other people or the universe in general. Whether we feel disappointed by ourselves, a friend, or life in general, disappointment is always a tough feeling to experience. Still, it is a natural part of life, and there are many ways of dealing with it when we find ourselves in its presence.

As with any feeling, disappointment has come to us for a reason, and we don’t need to fear acknowledging it or feeling it. The more we are able to accept how we are feeling and process it, the sooner we will move into new emotional territory. As we sit down to allow ourselves to feel our disappointment, we might want to write about the experience of being disappointed—the situation that preceded it, what we were hoping would happen, and what did happen. The gift of disappointment is its ability to bring us into alignment with reality so that we don’t get stuck for too long in the realm of how things might have been.

As we consider other disappointments in our life and how we have moved past them, we may even see that in some cases what happened was actually better in the long run than what we had wanted to happen. Disappointment often leaves us feeling deflated with its message that things don’t always turn out the way we want. The beauty of disappointment, though, is that it provides us a bridge to its other side where the acceptance of reality, wisdom, and the energy to begin again can be found.

Source:  Daily Om

No one is immune from disappointment.  

The fact is, I disappoint myself routinely.  Don't we all?  

To compound the gift of disappointment I give myself, great expectations from others results in further disappointment.  It can be a vicious cycle.  I end up disappointing myself for expecting too much from others.  Double whammy all the way around!  Great expectations bring on another form of disappointment fixated on someone else.

Disappointment comes in all shapes and sizes in life.

Wasted emotions that suck up energy!!

Acceptance of reality is the natural remedy.  

Easier said than done . . . I know! 

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