 I need the truth I need some grace I need the path To find my place lyrics from the song Breathe Your Name - Sixpence None The Richer Originally posted on January 26, 2008 The major question that needed to be answered was "What do I want?" . . . back in September, "it" was what I had before with JR. After much more realistic thinking about life in general in the times we live in, the emphasis was switched to taking care of myself financially. The more I thought about what I wanted to do to make a living and what would make me happy, for the longest time my thought processes leaned towards having the freedom of my own business as I have done for a very long time. As the decision making process progressed, I came to the realization that online sales are not what they were at one time . . . and the biggest thing that I kept putting on the back burner, my social life. With no single friends, how do I progress to the next level of my life, the social aspect, without other people to do things with? A real job was starting to look more and more attractive . . . then I started to think that instead of surviving and just being comfortable in the way I live, why not have MORE THAN ENOUGH and the security it brings . . . along with employee benefits like paid vacations, health insurance and tuition reimbursement. My thoughts started going back to a time in my life before I met JR, when my career came first since that is what brought me happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction and the way to take care of myself financially without having to depend on a man for anything. A broken heart from my long time first love did that to me . . . a disappointment that stung me so bad that I didn't want to get bit again, so I focused on my career and I was extremely happy for the first time in my life. The disappointments in love have history repeating itself in my life . . . could a happy and satisfying career be the thing to give me the fulfilling feeling that I have been missing in my life since JR died? It is the answer . . . and I'm going for it . . . yeah, I've come a long way since September . . . now I know what I want and I finally have the peace I have been looking for. Originally posted on September 24, 2007 This song is really speaking to me at this moment in time. It is about leaning on God for direction. If only he would provide us with a map to our destiny, huh? On the other hand, I've been thinking about this since a friend commented on my personal blog that the fun is getting there . . . the excitement of the journey itself. That thought makes perfect sense to me. What fun would life be if everything was clearly written and decided and the outcome known? Challenges and anticipation are an awesome part of life, so is making choices. We just have to know what we want and work toward achieving or looking for what we want. A great deal of time went toward chatting with friends this weekend, catching up with old friends and getting to know some new friends. As a result of discussions with various friends, my thoughts have drifted to love relationships and what I really want. Some of us really don't know what we want or are looking for. My generic statement is that I'm looking for what I had before. hmmmm have I ever defined "it"? It occurs to me that I spend a great deal of time entertaining aimlessly drifting thoughts, which can be a good thing . . . to let your mind go where it wants to go, letting your subconscious take over and take you where it feels your thinking needs to be for the moment. However, it is like going on a trip without a map if you really don't even know what you want to think about. Those times of feeling fragmented and scattered thoughts and losing control have a definition in my vocabulary . . . I define it as "spinning your wheels" . . . and "going in circles" . . . where nothing is accomplished. Those are the times I sit outside in my jungle paradise and listen to the birds sing and watch the squirrels freely run through the trees. "Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader." Source: Psychology Today Long before I was ready to move on to another relationship after becoming a widow, a friend asked me a question that got my "perfect man" wish list started . . . "who is your perfect man if you were to start looking for him tomorrow?" Several years later, I'm still compiling and refining that list as I'm aware of what my heart really desires. At least I have one aspect of it worked out, his general characteristics. It takes me five minutes of talking to a man to determine if we have a chance of ever getting together. I've been asked if I have a script . . . actually, I do have a mental script. It may sound arrogant, but this is honest reality . . . why waste your time with someone beating around the bush on the issues that are absolutely important to you . . . unless you are just looking for a friend to pass time with. If you get past "the scripted stuff" you are working toward an awesome friendship that could possibly lead to that someone who will rock your world and ultimately become your life partner. Now I need to define "what I had before" . . .  |
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Know What You Want?
Be Myself Again
At this time in my life, I can look back and see how far I've moved forward. I've learned that it is good to look back as you are moving forward . . . it answers the question "What I gained, what it'd cost?"
This post is another that looks back at a time of confusing life circumstances. Looking back makes me realize that I am almost myself again.
"'Cause you could spend your life
Lookin' for your own reflection
Time could blur the lines
Between what's real
And what's projected
Had I known what I lost?
What I gained, what it'd cost
I'd still give what remains
To be myself again"
Lookin' for your own reflection
Time could blur the lines
Between what's real
And what's projected
Had I known what I lost?
What I gained, what it'd cost
I'd still give what remains
To be myself again"
This post was
originally published
on May 28, 2008
The featured song "Be Myself Again" from Donna Summer's new release, Crayons, seems like it was written for me at this time in my life.
Often the strongest decisions come out of the worst situations.
It's those bad circumstances that often give the fuel of desire the greatest power.
Unfortunately, with many people, once the desire is born, they continue looking back to justify the desire by pointing out how bad things are - and when they look back, they are not moving forward and focusing upon the way things should be.
Then the inner struggle begins and the fuel of desire loses its power . . . we do it to ourselves.
What actually goes wrong? Not the situation itself . . . it is what is done with it.
You imagine it, dream it, amplify it, look for evidence of it, talk about it, find the feeling place of it, hold yourself in the vibration of it and you keep "it" alive.
The practice is known as the "pity party" or "dwelling in the past", has no value since the lesson should have already been learned. The harder the fall, the more difficult it is to let go . . . why?
Is "the fall" a prize to be held up and adorned like a trophy?
Of course not! Throw it away . . .
Donna Summer | Be Myself Again
Lyrics
Let me introduce myself
I'm a woman that you've never seen
You might know me from somewhere else
As someone that I've never been
I gave everything to play the game
My soul fell apart at the seams
I fell down like a house of cards
When somebody pulled the queen
'Cause you could spend your life
Lookin' for your own reflection
Time could blur the lines
Between what's real
And what's projected
Had I known what I lost?
What I gained, what it'd cost
I'd still give what remains
To be myself again
You must believe me when I say
Don't live someone else's design
Turn it around like a photograph
The writings been there all the time
Now you can have all
These hopes and dreams
The ones I can't use anymore
I don't know what it is you lost
But I hope you got what you came for
Sometimes I want to leave right now
Sometimes I want to cry out loud
I want to let it all hang out
But I don't want to let you down
Sometimes I want to just lay here
Sometimes I want to disappear
I want to show you all my fear
But I don't want to let you down
Lyrics
I'm a woman that you've never seen
You might know me from somewhere else
As someone that I've never been
I gave everything to play the game
My soul fell apart at the seams
I fell down like a house of cards
When somebody pulled the queen
'Cause you could spend your life
Lookin' for your own reflection
Time could blur the lines
Between what's real
And what's projected
Had I known what I lost?
What I gained, what it'd cost
I'd still give what remains
To be myself again
You must believe me when I say
Don't live someone else's design
Turn it around like a photograph
The writings been there all the time
Now you can have all
These hopes and dreams
The ones I can't use anymore
I don't know what it is you lost
But I hope you got what you came for
Sometimes I want to leave right now
Sometimes I want to cry out loud
I want to let it all hang out
But I don't want to let you down
Sometimes I want to just lay here
Sometimes I want to disappear
I want to show you all my fear
But I don't want to let you down
Inside out
There are grateful phases I go through lately that find me so happy I could burst, although I still haven't found my true purpose in life. In these times, I give God all the glory for taking me through those bad times in my past . . . I had to go through them to arrive at where I am today. They were stepping stones to my future.
The following post is from one of those bad times. It occurs to me that this was my "normal" . . . a time of healing, acceptance of where I was in life, feeling "inside out" and lost in time.
This post was originally published on May 31, 2008
It has been one of those nights where it is difficult to concentrate and work although I have a ton of stuff to do. After all this time I know better than to try to force my brain to think and be productive, so I allowed my mind to wander through my email box that is overflowing and do some inspirational reading.
Seems like I always find the right words to complete my thoughts and the emotions that I'm feeling at the right time. I'm feeling so down tonight. Disappointment has reared its ugly head and really bothered me, along with a family situation that really has no resolution. And it also could be I'm spending too much time behind the computer getting my online stuff ready before I make a commitment to another "real" job.
As time heads into the wee hours of the morning, treading on Vamparella territory, I realize that I have succeeded in going back to my old ways before I started working. Drifting in time with no schedule and no discipline . . . just lots of hours behind the computer.
My restless mind tormenting me won't let me settle down long enough to concentrate and focus on writing either. I'm ready to hibernate back to the cave and not come back out until the end of summer. People keep hurting me and I let them . . . I'm inside out.
I found this inspiration writing tonight which made me feel somewhat better . . .
Don't give up
When it hurts so bad, call on Him (God), take a deep breath, and let it out.
I know you're hurting and confused, and you just don't know what to do. You're walking around wondering why your life has been turned inside out. You're trying to figure out why you have to go through all of this hurt and pain. Some things will never be explained.
I know you trusted him and your sister/friend to be there through the good and the bad. When all hell broke out, they were the last people to show you that they cared. That's why God said to put your trust in Him, not man.
The storm won't last forever. Trust me, I've been there before. All you have to do is call on Him (God) and ask Him to help you through it. He loves you, and unlike people, He will never leave or forsake you. You don't have to be ashamed of your past. God forgives and forgets.
Stop allowing the enemy to come into your mind and tell you all of the bad things you've done and said, and how no one cares if you are dead or alive. The devil is a liar!
God has a purpose and a plan for your life. You have to surrender your all to God, and ask Him to be the head of your life. Tell God you need Him to lead and guide you. Ask Him to remove anyone and anything that comes to hinder your walk with Him, and to give you the strength to endure whatever may come your way.
Don't you dare give up!
You have a purpose in life!!!
The key to my being normal again is finding my purpose in this life and it can't be a person. People keep disappointing me. The quality of my life is at zero. I have not been right since JR died and I lost my purpose . . . I can't let that happen to me again. Ironic how I found the right person for me who never disappointed me and God took him from me. God forgive me, I can't stop asking why . . .You have a purpose in life!!!
I'm so blessed to have gone through that time so I can appreciate what my life is like today. Heaven sent me another angel . . .
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Troubled on every side
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed, we are
perplexed, but not in despair, Persecuted, but not
forsaken, cast down but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
perplexed, but not in despair, Persecuted, but not
forsaken, cast down but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
Sorrows and troubles are part of this life, sometimes coming in waves that threaten to overwhelm us.
They alter our life and our thinking, and we find them flowing in the quietness of tears. Alone with our grief, and pain, we find it darkening our days and hearts.
Grief and pain can come from many areas other than death. The losses, the grief, the sorrow mount up and become heavy upon our spirit. Friends come and go, and it changes our feeling of security in this world.
Our heart cries out within us: Oh God, Help Me quickly. I am at the end of my rope. And He says, my child . . . at the end of your rope is where I want you. For in those days, you turn to me, and you find that I am your strength, and your hope.
You find that I bring you joy, and that I have answers to all your needs. For it is when you are weak my Child, that I can be strong within you.
As we gaze out the window . . . we suddenly see the flowers blooming in the neighbors garden. Their faces are lifted to the sun. Soaking up the sunlight, and the nourishment it brings to their leaves. Our perspective is broadened beyond our internal pain.
It reminds me I am not to turn my eyes to the things of earth. Not to let my spirit get entangled with the cares of this life, but entangled with the word of God, till it seeps in my spirit and casts away all shadows, all tears, and restores my strength.
copyright Millie Plastaras 5/10/2003
I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,
from whence comes my help;
My help comes from the Lord
which made heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2
from whence comes my help;
My help comes from the Lord
which made heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Sometimes we get scared
"Life can take us on a roller coaster ride full of highs and lows and twists and turns. Even for those of us who enjoy unexpected thrills, it’s frightening to suddenly find ourselves heading for a deep plunge. Yet, it happens to all of us. At these moments, it is important to remember that you are not alone in your experiences. No matter how brave, strong, or levelheaded we are, sometimes, we all get scared.
Our fears may revolve around our physical safety, particularly if we are not feeling well, living under difficult circumstances, or doing work that exposes us to hazardous conditions. Or, we may be experiencing financial woes that are causing us to be fearful about making ends meet. We may also fear the loss of a loved one who is sick, or we may be scared of never finding someone special to spend our life with. We may be scared to start at a new school, begin a different job, move to a new town, or meet new people. Whatever our fears are, they are valid, and we do not need to feel ashamed or embarrassed that we are, at times, afraid.
It may be comforting to know that everyone gets scared, and it is perfectly OK. Sometimes just acknowledging our fears is enough to make us feel better. And while it sometimes takes a lot more to ease our mind, we can console ourselves with the knowledge that life can be scary at times. Giving ourselves permission to be scared lets us move through our fears so we can let it go. It also makes it alright to share our fears with others. Sharing our apprehensions with other people can make our fears less overwhelming because we are not letting them grow inside of us as pent up emotions. Sharing our fears also can lighten our burden because we are not carrying our worries all by ourselves. Remember that you are not alone."
Source: Daily Om
Sometimes someone else's
words say it all for me . . .
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Pets are so cool
It wasn't until I read the following post from 2007 today that I realized how much loss and grief I had experienced since Betsy, my beloved baby girl beagle, died a year before JR died. Buster the dog died a year or two before Betsy. Both of them were a part of our family for well over 10 years. Buddy appeared in our yard shortly after Buster died.
Our cockatiel family, Petey Goober and Miss Loolie, started sometime in the early 90's. My proudest endeavor was raising their baby bird, Miss Doobie, from the moment she kicked out of the egg . . . but that is another story.
JR and I always had more than one pet and that so enriched our lives since we were both huge animal lovers.
Since The Captain and I adopted Mimi and Kiki last year, I realize how much more pleasant my life would have been if I would have immediately adopted another dog after Buddy ran away. But I didn't . . . it took me four years. Those four years were the first that I didn't have a pet in my life. I was completely alone and so lonely until The Captain came into my life.
Although it has been over a year since we adopted Mimi and Kiki, they are still not "friends" . . . and my latest quest has been to find a way to make them love each other like all my other pets have in the past. It is so much better than in the beginning when there was constant barking and hissing. Such is life with a dog and a cat . . . a life that I have not experienced before now. They finally tolerate each other and can be in the same room at the same time.
Those four years without a pet were the loneliest days of my life and I never want a time in my life where I don't have a pet again.
This entry was originally published on June 25, 2007
Buddy was talking to me today in that sweet little voice that dogs have that only their owners understand and recognize. Poor little guy is so bored . . . if I am bored with my life I can imagine how he feels and I believe pets pick up our vibes too. Anyway, I was hearing that bizarre little sound, so I went to his room and asked him what was the problem . . . LOL, I know . . . don't laugh, but he DOES answer . . . I may not not know his exact words, but I get the gist of what he is saying.
The understanding was . . . wait a minute and I'll show you . . . and ran back to his cage, meticulously went through his collection of toys and came back with his tennis ball, dropped it to the ground and looked up at me with those puppy dog eyes.
It almost made me want to cry! Although Petey, my bird who passed away last week, couldn't play ball with him, I believe they had some kind of communication thing. Petey was a talker and I could hear him sometimes and I would think . . . he's talking to Buddy.
Buddy is going through grief again. We have been through it together. First Miss Betsy, my beagle girl . . . JR, my husband who spoiled and loved Buddy so much, the mama and baby cockatiels who also talked to him, now Petey last week. All this loss, one per year . . . it takes its toll. And I wonder how much a dog remembers and for how long . . .
All I know is that he is having a rough time since Petey died and I've been hearing that little voice more and more every day. So I've made a point of spending more time with him . . . we have been having fun playing ball, pull the rope and that all stuff we do with our dogs to show them our love and affection. Poor little guy is hurting . . . and it breaks my heart . . . because our pets are so cool, they give us so much and ask so little in return.
Dogs have always enriched my life and given me so much joy and love . . . the following came through one of my groups and I thought I would share it today. It brought me up as I was feeling down . . . it is so cool how dogs can do that for me.
When I am Old . . .
I shall wear Turquoise and soft gray sweatshirts...
and a bandana over my silver hair...
and I shall spend my Social Security Checks
on Sweet Wine and My Dogs...
and sit in my house on my well-worn chair,
and listen to my dog's breathing.
I will sneak out in the middle of a warm Summer night
and take my dogs for a run, if my old bones will allow...
and when people come to call,
I will smile and nod as I show them my dogs...
and talk of them and about them...
The Ones so Beloved of the Past
and the Ones so Beloved of Today....
I still will work hard cleaning after them
and mopping and feeding them
and whispering their names in a soft, loving way.
I will wear their gleaming drool on my throat like a jewel,
and I will be an embarrassment to all, and my family...
who have not yet found the peace in being free
to have dogs as your Best Friends....
These friends who always wait,
at any hour, for your footfall...
and eagerly jump to their feet out of a sound sleep,
to greet you as if you are a God.
With warm eyes full of adoring love
and hope that you will stay and hug their big, strong necks...
and kiss their dear sweet heads...
and whisper to them of your love and the
beautiful pleasure of their very special company....
I look in the Mirror...
and see I am getting old....
this is the kind of woman I am...
and have always been.
Loving dogs is easy, they are part of me,
accept me for who I am,
My dogs appreciate my presence in their lives...
When I am old this will be important to me...
you will understand when you are old....
and if you have dogs to love too.
Author Unknown
When I am Old . . .
I shall wear Turquoise and soft gray sweatshirts...
and a bandana over my silver hair...
and I shall spend my Social Security Checks
on Sweet Wine and My Dogs...
and sit in my house on my well-worn chair,
and listen to my dog's breathing.
I will sneak out in the middle of a warm Summer night
and take my dogs for a run, if my old bones will allow...
and when people come to call,
I will smile and nod as I show them my dogs...
and talk of them and about them...
The Ones so Beloved of the Past
and the Ones so Beloved of Today....
I still will work hard cleaning after them
and mopping and feeding them
and whispering their names in a soft, loving way.
I will wear their gleaming drool on my throat like a jewel,
and I will be an embarrassment to all, and my family...
who have not yet found the peace in being free
to have dogs as your Best Friends....
These friends who always wait,
at any hour, for your footfall...
and eagerly jump to their feet out of a sound sleep,
to greet you as if you are a God.
With warm eyes full of adoring love
and hope that you will stay and hug their big, strong necks...
and kiss their dear sweet heads...
and whisper to them of your love and the
beautiful pleasure of their very special company....
I look in the Mirror...
and see I am getting old....
this is the kind of woman I am...
and have always been.
Loving dogs is easy, they are part of me,
accept me for who I am,
My dogs appreciate my presence in their lives...
When I am old this will be important to me...
you will understand when you are old....
and if you have dogs to love too.
Author Unknown
Your dog is the one thing on earth
that loves you more than himself
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