Friends and the comfort zone

Kindness in your eyes

I guess you heard me cry

You smiled at me

Like Jesus to a child

I'm blessed I know

Heaven sent and heaven stole

You smiled at me like

Jesus to a child

And what have I learned

From all this pain

I thought I'd never feel the same

About anyone or anything again

But now I know

Lyrics from the song
George Michael - Jesus to a Child

The following post was written in 2007, back in the day when Yahoo 360 was a popular place and a really tight community for bloggers . . . we were there for each other through good and bad times.
After reading this post again after a long time has passed, I realized that in those days, my blogging friends and computer were my comfort zone within the larger comfort zone of my home where I didn't feel like a freak of nature.
I haven't read this post in quite some time and the comments and the people behind those comments also made me realize so many things.  Real friends don't have to be friends you have known in your real life for many years . . . my "friends without faces" as I have referred to them in the past were more of a friend to me than those who had been in my real life a long time.  I'm so glad I saved those comments with the posts . . . you can see how awesome and important these people were in my life at that time.  It makes me sad that Yahoo decided to pull the plug on the blogging community and many of us lost touch with each other.  Many are still my blogging friends!  One of them recently passed away and I mourned for her and cried as if I knew her in real life, but I probably knew her better than I would have in real life.
One of the themes of this post is a social disorder that I was afflicted with and still struggle with at times . . . agoraphobia.  I was surprised to find that I was not alone in my lonely world as a result.
Thank God I have progressed way past those emotions I had to deal with and get through to get where I am today.  It was like learning to walk all over again . . . by the way, my husband was once one of those "friends without faces" in my life.  Isn't the internet wonderful?

ORIGINALLY POSTED on Yahoo 360
September 9, 2007
comments from my original entry follow this entry


Into how little space can a soul be crushed?

Some days are better than others, but for the longest time I've felt like my spirit has been broken, sometimes feeling crushed beyond hope . . . but I know better.

Life circumstances sometimes bring reactions that we aren't always proud of in a weakened state, but there nonetheless. My demon is agoraphobia . . . a nice way to describe it is to say that I strongly dislike leaving the comfort of my home.

People from all walks of life are afflicted with this phobia that is a most misunderstood condition, unless you have gone through the experience, it is very difficult to comprehend how someone who is otherwise quite "normal" has a problem walking out the door.

My doctor gave it a name . . . social anxiety disorder. I don't agree with her diagnosis. While I don't enjoy being a social butterfly and am naturally a laid back type of person, when confronted with social situations, I am fine. I don't freak out around people . . . in fact I find myself starting conversations in the grocery checkout line and rarely find myself without something to say around people. My past employment constantly threw me into social situations and dealing with people non-stop . . . and I excelled at what I did.

I just prefer being in the comfort of my home, not necessarily alone, but very picky about who I spend time with. It is not a fear of open spaces which is how agoraphobics are usually described. And I can leave if I absolutely have to . . . with me, it is not total paralysis in the situation.

Friends have let me down and have hurt me since JR passed away. My mom warned me that my "friend status" would change real quick as a widow . . . she went through it when my dad passed away. Every word she said was true. Every single one of my friendships changed in one way or another. As the saying goes, you find out who your friends are in times of need and bad circumstances.

All of the above, along with the need to analyze my life, think about what I really want and need, who I want in my life, what I want to do with my life, what makes me happy . . . it leaves me preoccupied most of the time . . . thinking, thinking, thinking . . . WAY TOO MUCH!

As a result, I have shut people out of my life . . . I'd rather be alone. I'd rather not be bothered by hypocracy . . . maybe it is not a healthy way to look at it, but for me it is the reality of how it is.

The feeling of being perpetually lonely, even in a crowd of people is my reality . . . so my 360 friendships have become special beyond explanation since I'm not lonely when I'm online. I don't have to be lonely because my online friendships give me exactly what I need at this time in my life. No longer do I feel alone.

Although it has been five years since JR died, it does not feel abnormal to need this time for self-analysis and figuring out what I want for my life.

Apparently, I'm in good company. This line of thinking started last week, when Paula Deen, one of the Food Network stars was on Larry King's show. Here is her story:

Agoraphobia with panic attacks. In her early 20's, Paula Deen began experiencing symptoms of agoraphobia after a number of major stressful events. Eventually, she became homebound. "After we moved into an apartment, I began to feel safe only within the walls of our home. It wasn't long before I stopped doing anything that required me leave the house. I was a prisoner. Even the very thought of having to leave this safety zone drove me into a horrible panic attack." After the family moved to another city, Deen found herself so panicky that she couldn't leave her bed. She eventually worked her way out of it without therapy or medication.

Kim Basinger about her bout with agoraphobia . . . "I've had my downs, but with a little faith and a big sense of humor, you can get though them. It's truly a gift to visit the bottom because then you know how much to appreciate coming out of that and not wanting to go back there. There's a great lesson to learn on the other side of the tunnel, and you really come out stronger." In spite of the severity of her condition at times, Basinger leads a successful acting career, which includes an Academy Award. And that poor woman had to put up with Alec Baldwin who no doubt made a bad situation unbearable.

Clay Aiken, pop singer and former American Idol contestant, began experiencing panic attacks after the death of his stepfather. The attacks increased during Aiken's quick rise to fame, particularly when he had to make a public appearance. After trying a number of medications, Aiken has found Paxil to be helpful in managing the attacks.

Drew Barrymore long has been open about her personal struggles and publicly turned her life and career around after overcoming drug and alcohol addiction as a teen. In 2006, Barrymore opened up about her recent experiences with panic attacks and why she will not take medications to deal with them.

Donny Osmond . . . although he has been in front of the camera his entire life, he spent many years feeling anxious about it. The anxiety reached its peak in  1997 when Osmond was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. With professional help, Osmond learned to manage the disorder and is doing better than ever.

As I stand at another crossroads of my life, I need to make money and survive . . . either re-open the online stores, get a real job or a combination of both. Fear of failure in the workplace paralyzes me since I have a problem with insomnia combined with being agoraphobic. Failure crushes me . . . it is the one thing that will bring me down and keep me down and it absolutely can't happen. This I absolutely know about myself.

Please keep me in your prayers . . . it is time for me to make a definitive move towards my immediate future . . . I need to move from survival mode to a real life . . . the time is near . . .

If you feel lost or discontent within your life, not comfortable in your skin . . . the lifestyle of Simple Abundance, being grateful for the simple things in life may be what you need. The books I am using in the journey to my new life are listed on my book list. They are really helping me find my way . . .

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Restrictions of realism

When we allow ourselves to articulate our thoughts and feelings without limitations, we are more apt to stumble upon concepts that enable us to add new richness to our lives. 

Innovation can only happen when we introduce experimentation as a guiding theory in our lives. Because we do not limit our modes of expression, we can utilize our imaginative minds in our day-to-day existence, and thereby approach challenges playfully.

Unbound by convention or the restrictions of realism, we also can conceive of wild and fantastic solutions to the problems we face. These uncultivated notions become the rough foundations of the refined and workable ideas that we develop more fully in those circumstances that require us to be practical. Your free-spirited and innovative approach to both work and play will help you grow into your creativity today.

Source: The Daily Om

I'm going to try to make a long story as short as possible!

After going through a process of experimentation in fixing the water pump ourselves without success, we bit the bullet and arranged for professional help to pinpoint the problem and get an estimate of how much it would cost.

First of all, let me give you a great piece of advice . . . do not buy a house that runs on well water pump system with no chance of hooking up to the city water system!

Through many years, problems have come up with the water pump and they have been relatively inexpensive and a quick fix.  Not this time!

The only time not having water was a real inconvenience was the year one of the hurricanes came too close for comfort, however, the damage in this area was mainly electrical outage for at least a week.  No electricity to run the water pump, so . . . no running water.  It was after JR died and before The Captain came into my life.  I was totally alone and made it through with much innovation.  You don't understand the importance of something as not having water until it is gone!

The shock of what it was going to take to get the water running again took my breath away momentarily . . . I kind of freaked out a bit and retreated from society a couple of days.  Not only did the professional fix involve taking down fences, big trees, reconfiguring raised beds and I can't remember what else, just so their truck could get to the pump.  It was WAY too expensive and way too much work for not even having a guarantee that was going to fix the problem.

If that didn't work, we would need a totally new well drilled . . . 

The Captain asked the professional a lot of questions and set out to do some online research . . . perhaps he could do the work himself and save thousands of dollars?  His research showed so many others who encountered the same problem and they wrote about how they did their own fix.  Thank God for innovative people who do not want others to think they can't do it themselves.  

My sweetie says he will get it working again . . . and I have an abundance of faith and trust in him. 

Needless to say, it has been days of major decision making of how to fix the problem and also of great importance was how to live without running water for who knows how long.  

I could take the dog and escape to my mom's house for a mini-vacation while The Captain slaves away at fixing the well and living without running water . . . but I can't leave him to face the problem alone.  So, we are on a new adventure of creative survival.

Let me tell you . . . realism does not necessarily mean impossible and enough obstacles to not make it happen.  It has to work . . . and that is taking a great deal of innovation and creativity as we enter Day # I don't remember.

We have tackled each problem as it comes up one at a time.  So far, so good! Another one of those experiences that make great stories we can laugh at after all is fixed and working again.

Keep us in your prayers!

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Does money rule?

Yes it does!

This time my survival mode has to do with money.  However, The Captain and I are not alone in this struggle . . . there is so much going on in the United States, and it is not good.

"If money be not thy servant, it will be thy master."

-- Francis Bacon

In what ways does money rule your life?

Money has entered so deeply into our lives that it can become our primary reference point. We make so many of our decisions based on how they affect the bottom line. Do you compromise things you really value for money? Has the power of money hurt your relationships, your health, your work or your self-respect?

"If a person gets his attitude toward money straight, it will help straighten out almost every other area in his life."

-- Billy Graham

How do you think of money?

"Money is a highly charged subject. And most of the emotions people feel around it are negative: fear, shame, embarrassment, anger."

-- Jerrold Mundis

How do you feel about money?

Many of us are afraid of money. With this fear, we avoid dealing honestly and completely with our financial situation. We only have a vague idea of how much money we earn and spend, and even how much we owe. By refusing to accept financial responsibility, we sacrifice our chances for a better life.

"Choosing wealth as a goal requires facing everything about your money bravely, honestly, with courage -- which is a very, very hard thing for most of us to do. But it can be done."

-- Suze Orman

Prosperity depends more on wanting what you have than having what you want. 

-- Geoffrey F. Abert

Since becoming a widow, I have contemplated the role of money in my life and the difference between wants and needs.  Somehow I have always made it financially without changing my quality of life in a drastic way.

Like so many others living in the United States, our changing society and governmental rules have us concerned about our future and basic survival.

Although the country is experiencing a tremendous transformation, I still believe that prosperity is within reach for anyone who is innovative and willing to make sacrifices to get there.  That is where The Captain and I have been . . . making sacrifices now for a prosperous future.

This week finds us somewhat backed up against the wall and having to make major decisions and more sacrifices . . . not resulting from a "want," but a very important "need" that I don't think anyone can live without.  I consider this a major crisis like I have never encountered in my life and it has really made me think about the role of money in our lives, even if we live the "simple abundance life."  

Yes, I am having an extremely difficult time having any semblance of peace and serenity at the moment, but so far, I have kept it together rather well.  I pray that the current plan will work for us and be over with quickly . . . should we be that lucky.   However, luck has escaped us lately.

Current events in government have collided with our dilemma this week and the news of so much devastating news regarding basic health care has really bothered me.  Life changing decisions are being made in thousands or millions of households as we face our challenge.  Their nightmare is not going to go away soon.  Thank God Obamacare does not affect our lives . . . at least not at the moment.

Money has not ruled my life for a very long time . . . however, this latest event that most homeowners face has rudely made money a major part in the quality of our lives.  Two major events for us within a month or so has been a definite wake up call.

Whether we want to admit it or not . . . money does rule.  It is a necessary evil in my opinion.

"This too shall pass" for us . . . 

but I worry about the thousands or millions

of my fellow citizens affected by decisions our

government is making.  

How will it affect the quality of their lives?  

Where will they turn?

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Push Back

No, it is not Monday, but it sure has been manic!
It seems like my life is a vicious cycle of stuff happening like a revolving door of "time flies while you are having fun" that doesn't seem to go away.  The fun part is my sarcastic humor.
As I was searching through my journals for positive and inspirational posts from the past when life was really horrible for me, I came across the following post.  At least it reminds me that this too shall pass.
I could have written the following post today, except that I'm not feeling none too positive these days.  The line "everyone experiences obstacles at inopportune times" especially rings true today.  There is never a good time for negative stuff that happens in life, but the stuff usually piles on to something else for us.
I've spent today trying to be positive, reading inspirational writings and making a conscious effort to laugh and find the humor in life's happenings rather than get myself upset over things that can't be controlled.  But I have to be honest . . . I'm not feeling grateful for more life lessons . . . guess it is the "bad stuff burnout."
This has got to be one of those serious, get your attention life tests because something else that is pretty important broke as we are trying to deal with a huge tree that fell on our back storage shed with a chainsaw that is now useless.  As each day goes by, the weight of the tree is smashing the aluminum shed further toward the ground.  That one side is starting to look like an accordion . . . as seen from far away.  I'm not ready to observe it closely. 
More stuff to spend too much money on.
Lots of memories and treasures are in that shed.
I'm starting to feel like this house has become a money pit!
So ready for the "greatness potential"  in the following quote to start kicking in.

The following post was originally published on June 5, 2008

When life pushes you down, push back! That's what you're here for. You're capable, you're creative, you're full of life and energy. You have what it takes to move yourself forward around any obstacle. Don't let anything stop you.

Take strength from meeting the challenges, and move ahead.The struggles you face are just what you need to fulfill your potential for greatness.

Think back over the past year. Consider the ways in which you've grown, the things you've learned, your accomplishments. Most of these probably came from overcoming some challenge or adversity which initially stood in your way.

A year from now, when you look back at today, you'll see that the problem you're so concerned with right now, was another valuable lesson waiting to be learned.

~ Ralph Marston ~

This past year has been a definite time of changes and accomplishments in my life, my thinking and the outlook for my future . . . no matter how I'm feeling today as I am picking myself back up again from the last fall.

Failure is not making the attempt to get up again.

The good news is that as I read the quote today, my positive thinking kicked in very instinctively and all of the progress I've made this past year flooded my mind. It resulted in the reassurance within my spirit that all has not been lost and everyone experiences obstacles at inopportune times.

Besides, is there EVER an opportune time for an obstacle? When it rains and pours at the same time, you have more to deal with, however, it is like killing two birds with one stone.

Today I am feeling so grateful
 for so many things . . .

1. Having the time and money to contemplate
 life before moving on to the next phase.

2. The internet and having information at my 
fingertips like the featured quote . . . those 
things that bring clarity in my 
life's ponderings.

3. Being able to forgive someone who hurt
 me and not burning that bridge.

4. A good night's sleep!!

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Laughter

Laughter is a tranquilizer with

no side effects.

Arnold Glasow

As we heal we learn to laugh at ourselves with love. We begin to see all the wonderful oddities and contradictions in people - little faults that endear others to us. We see that striving to be perfect is going far beyond the call of duty, and we discover that life does not need to be a duty, that it can be enjoyed. Life can be fun.

We were given the gift of laughter to help us survive the tribulations of living. The healing effects of laughter can't be underestimated. A laugh a day may be exactly what's needed to keep the doctor away!

Laughter is healing. I want to learn to take myself less seriously.

You grow up the day you

have your first real laugh

at yourself.

Ether Barrymore

Source unknown . . . content taken from an old journal

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Do It Anyway

Since I have had a case of the blahs and have been

 writing negative posts, I thought I would post

 something positive from Mother Theresa.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

(Mother Teresa)

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The Turning Point

Rest periods and vacations break our work routines. They help SHIFT OUR THINKING from its habitual, stuck patterns. They create the SPACE FOR ENERGY AND CREATIVITY to flow. They give us TIME FOR REFLECTION, so we can step back and look at what's happening in our lives with greater detachment. We become more sensitive and aware.

Source:  Higher Awareness

I need to give myself a break.  

There is no one in this world who is
 more critical of me than me.

Today has been a turning point for me.  
I need something to believe in and
 I fear it is gone.  

Hope is what always keeps me hanging on.  
Where did it go?

Although retreating into a solitary cocoon

is not the answer, it is what I want
 to do at this point in time.  

Did I lose my fight today?

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