Back To You

Like a star that guides a ship across the ocean
that's how your love
will take me home back to you
And if I wish upon that star
someday I'll be where you are
I know that day is coming soon
I'm coming back to you.


lyrics from the song
Back to You/Bryan Adams



Originally posted on Yahoo 360
September 29, 2007 comments included at the end of this post


What if we could go back and look into the eyes of someone you love who has passed and tell them how much you love and miss them, spend time with them or just give them a big hug . . . fix those mistakes we made in life, go back and rewind immediately after we know we said the wrong thing and have the ability to say it again . . . the manipulation of life's outcomes. Rewind immediately after the lottery numbers are called and be the first one to get them right . . . we'd all be millionaires wouldn't we?

How about the love that got away? What if you could go back and do it all over again?

History would constantly evolve into whoever's concept of fixing what was wrong was achieved. What a crazy thought . . . the world would be far more out of control than it is now if outcomes could be changed and manipulated.

In my life, I've dealt with death starting at a very young age and I still don't deal with it well. Many of my friends were killed in automobile accidents and coming from a very large italian family with my grandparents each having at least ten brothers and sisters, I think I experienced more than the normal person. Then my grandmother who raised me and was actually more like my mom than my mom died at a very young age . . . well, my childlike thoughts wished that I could go to the place where I could visit those who had passed on who I loved so much. At the time, I didn't have much religion with just a vague concept of heaven, so death freaked me out.

I've since become a Christian as an adult and death does not freak me out as it did in my younger days . . . but when my husband passed away, the notion of time travel and visiting heaven has come to my mind quite often. I guess that happens when someone so close to you passes on suddenly without warning. You spend your life with this person and don't even get to say goodbye . . . what if you could? What if we had the ability to visit heaven, not a time travel thing where history would be constantly evolving and changing . . . just a visit to another time or another dimension like heaven.

Of course I would love to be the merchant in charge of all travel arrangements . . . would be a popular item on eBay . . . talk about difficulty in pricing an item or a service for something so priceless and worth more than all the money in the world . . . at least it would be to me. For now, I visit them in my dreams.

What do you think? For once, I would love to use it to win the lottery, not have to worry about survival and be able to help people with the money I win. What would you do with the powers of going back?

lol I know most of you probably think that I have really gone over the edge with this one . . .

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Friends and the comfort zone

Kindness in your eyes

I guess you heard me cry

You smiled at me

Like Jesus to a child

I'm blessed I know

Heaven sent and heaven stole

You smiled at me like

Jesus to a child

And what have I learned

From all this pain

I thought I'd never feel the same

About anyone or anything again

But now I know

Lyrics from the song
George Michael - Jesus to a Child

The following post was written in 2007, back in the day when Yahoo 360 was a popular place and a really tight community for bloggers . . . we were there for each other through good and bad times.
After reading this post again after a long time has passed, I realized that in those days, my blogging friends and computer were my comfort zone within the larger comfort zone of my home where I didn't feel like a freak of nature.
I haven't read this post in quite some time and the comments and the people behind those comments also made me realize so many things.  Real friends don't have to be friends you have known in your real life for many years . . . my "friends without faces" as I have referred to them in the past were more of a friend to me than those who had been in my real life a long time.  I'm so glad I saved those comments with the posts . . . you can see how awesome and important these people were in my life at that time.  It makes me sad that Yahoo decided to pull the plug on the blogging community and many of us lost touch with each other.  Many are still my blogging friends!  One of them recently passed away and I mourned for her and cried as if I knew her in real life, but I probably knew her better than I would have in real life.
One of the themes of this post is a social disorder that I was afflicted with and still struggle with at times . . . agoraphobia.  I was surprised to find that I was not alone in my lonely world as a result.
Thank God I have progressed way past those emotions I had to deal with and get through to get where I am today.  It was like learning to walk all over again . . . by the way, my husband was once one of those "friends without faces" in my life.  Isn't the internet wonderful?

ORIGINALLY POSTED on Yahoo 360
September 9, 2007
comments from my original entry follow this entry


Into how little space can a soul be crushed?

Some days are better than others, but for the longest time I've felt like my spirit has been broken, sometimes feeling crushed beyond hope . . . but I know better.

Life circumstances sometimes bring reactions that we aren't always proud of in a weakened state, but there nonetheless. My demon is agoraphobia . . . a nice way to describe it is to say that I strongly dislike leaving the comfort of my home.

People from all walks of life are afflicted with this phobia that is a most misunderstood condition, unless you have gone through the experience, it is very difficult to comprehend how someone who is otherwise quite "normal" has a problem walking out the door.

My doctor gave it a name . . . social anxiety disorder. I don't agree with her diagnosis. While I don't enjoy being a social butterfly and am naturally a laid back type of person, when confronted with social situations, I am fine. I don't freak out around people . . . in fact I find myself starting conversations in the grocery checkout line and rarely find myself without something to say around people. My past employment constantly threw me into social situations and dealing with people non-stop . . . and I excelled at what I did.

I just prefer being in the comfort of my home, not necessarily alone, but very picky about who I spend time with. It is not a fear of open spaces which is how agoraphobics are usually described. And I can leave if I absolutely have to . . . with me, it is not total paralysis in the situation.

Friends have let me down and have hurt me since JR passed away. My mom warned me that my "friend status" would change real quick as a widow . . . she went through it when my dad passed away. Every word she said was true. Every single one of my friendships changed in one way or another. As the saying goes, you find out who your friends are in times of need and bad circumstances.

All of the above, along with the need to analyze my life, think about what I really want and need, who I want in my life, what I want to do with my life, what makes me happy . . . it leaves me preoccupied most of the time . . . thinking, thinking, thinking . . . WAY TOO MUCH!

As a result, I have shut people out of my life . . . I'd rather be alone. I'd rather not be bothered by hypocracy . . . maybe it is not a healthy way to look at it, but for me it is the reality of how it is.

The feeling of being perpetually lonely, even in a crowd of people is my reality . . . so my 360 friendships have become special beyond explanation since I'm not lonely when I'm online. I don't have to be lonely because my online friendships give me exactly what I need at this time in my life. No longer do I feel alone.

Although it has been five years since JR died, it does not feel abnormal to need this time for self-analysis and figuring out what I want for my life.

Apparently, I'm in good company. This line of thinking started last week, when Paula Deen, one of the Food Network stars was on Larry King's show. Here is her story:

Agoraphobia with panic attacks. In her early 20's, Paula Deen began experiencing symptoms of agoraphobia after a number of major stressful events. Eventually, she became homebound. "After we moved into an apartment, I began to feel safe only within the walls of our home. It wasn't long before I stopped doing anything that required me leave the house. I was a prisoner. Even the very thought of having to leave this safety zone drove me into a horrible panic attack." After the family moved to another city, Deen found herself so panicky that she couldn't leave her bed. She eventually worked her way out of it without therapy or medication.

Kim Basinger about her bout with agoraphobia . . . "I've had my downs, but with a little faith and a big sense of humor, you can get though them. It's truly a gift to visit the bottom because then you know how much to appreciate coming out of that and not wanting to go back there. There's a great lesson to learn on the other side of the tunnel, and you really come out stronger." In spite of the severity of her condition at times, Basinger leads a successful acting career, which includes an Academy Award. And that poor woman had to put up with Alec Baldwin who no doubt made a bad situation unbearable.

Clay Aiken, pop singer and former American Idol contestant, began experiencing panic attacks after the death of his stepfather. The attacks increased during Aiken's quick rise to fame, particularly when he had to make a public appearance. After trying a number of medications, Aiken has found Paxil to be helpful in managing the attacks.

Drew Barrymore long has been open about her personal struggles and publicly turned her life and career around after overcoming drug and alcohol addiction as a teen. In 2006, Barrymore opened up about her recent experiences with panic attacks and why she will not take medications to deal with them.

Donny Osmond . . . although he has been in front of the camera his entire life, he spent many years feeling anxious about it. The anxiety reached its peak in  1997 when Osmond was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. With professional help, Osmond learned to manage the disorder and is doing better than ever.

As I stand at another crossroads of my life, I need to make money and survive . . . either re-open the online stores, get a real job or a combination of both. Fear of failure in the workplace paralyzes me since I have a problem with insomnia combined with being agoraphobic. Failure crushes me . . . it is the one thing that will bring me down and keep me down and it absolutely can't happen. This I absolutely know about myself.

Please keep me in your prayers . . . it is time for me to make a definitive move towards my immediate future . . . I need to move from survival mode to a real life . . . the time is near . . .

If you feel lost or discontent within your life, not comfortable in your skin . . . the lifestyle of Simple Abundance, being grateful for the simple things in life may be what you need. The books I am using in the journey to my new life are listed on my book list. They are really helping me find my way . . .

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