Heart Silently Screams

 

My heart is silently screaming today.

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Remembering Good Times

 

In this phase of grief, the recollection of awesome times are helping me honor The Captain's place in my life.  There are moments in time and then there are events that brought us so much fun and happiness.  I will write about them and relive them all over again with a smile on my face.  We had many good times!

We loved Busch Gardens and visited often since we had annual passes.  They provided fabulous entertainment and among our favorites was Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits.

Peter was still doing the concert circuit after all these years.  The Captain and I had the pleasure of attending one of his concerts and had a blast singing along to all those hits whose lyrics were still fresh in our minds.  We weren't the only ones.  Baby boomers surrounded us and we were all singing.  

His voice is awesome as ever, with the same witty personality as Herman the teenage boy with the sweet face we knew back in the day.   It was an excellent concert we never forgot . . . what a treat, we spoke of it often.  Peter is a timeless entertainer who is very entertaining!

photo by Gina Alfani

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Trigger Days

 

Trigger days . . . holidays, birthdays, anniversaries of all kinds, etc. always add an extra sense of grief.  You never know how they are going to affect you until it does . . . they are sneaky like that.  They can also change from year to year.  

Just like any other grief phase, it is not a good idea to try to ignore the trigger day or the affects of it.  One must go through and feel the grief stages in order to get through the healing process.  The difficulty is not knowing where the next grief hit is going to come from . . . a song, a place, a passing thought, a smell, food . . . anything really.  One thing is for sure, there are times that everything is a reminder and know that it may throw you into survival mode, even if it is an old loss as well as a fresh one.

There is one thing I do to cope with trigger days . . . write your loved one a letter.  Just as with journaling, the spontaneity of the writing will conjure up thoughts and feelings you never addressed.  Those thoughts and feelings get me through trigger days, as well as good memories that I make an attempt to dwell on instead of how awful I am feeling at the moment.  The great memories on trigger days for me are treasured gifts and I look at it as a pleasant way to honor the loved one.  That is so important.

It is not easy, but I have learned coping mechanisms through over 20 years of grief phases from losing my first husband.  It never goes away, but as time goes on it becomes easier to manage and tolerate the emotions.

Today I am experiencing The Captain's birthday, the first since he passed away.  This trigger day is fresh and so very painful, but I'm making the attempt to use the coping mechanisms I have learned to get through this awful day.

The clock continues to tick and the trigger days hit with regularity, bringing with them the emotional minefield.  What is important is to know that you control how you react to the thoughts associated with the day.  

The trigger days and grief itself became my new normal when my first husband died.  Now my new normal is double the trigger days, grief associated with it and learning to emotionally deal with more positivity as time goes on.  I'm learning how to celebrate the loved one's life and be grateful they were in my life at all.

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Joyful Melody of Life

 

I've started listening to music regularly as I did in "normal times."  Music has been a part of life since I was a little girl enjoying the radio being on day and night by my family.  Songs have meaning to me as far as lyrics and bringing back memories.  It is strange how a song can be associated with a person, a place in time, an event, etc.  For me, music is so special for all of those reasons, as well as the love of a song or musician.

In the past couple of days, I have been drawn to songs that remind me of the beginning of my relationship with The Captain.  They brought up so many awesome memories that took me back to the time like it was yesterday.  That is what I love so much about music, it takes you there.

In this phase of grief, I can say that I have found the joyful melody of life with The Captain, remembering the great times with a smile on my face.  And just as fast as the smile appeared, so do the tears of a time in my life that is gone forever.  

The next grief phase will hopefully focus on the great times and the memories with only smiles and less sorrow.  I will listen to your song forever in my heart and the song will play softly, soothing my soul.

Cherish the music!

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Riding the Roller Coaster

 

I've been accepting the negative emotions today, facing them head on.  I'm not trying to ignore the bad feelings, I acknowledge them and ask myself why.  My responses go on a list so I can deal with them later.

It has been one of the best two weeks since The Captain went into the hospital last year.  What a good feeling it has been to experience  "normal" at times.  Very positive progress.  I'm also enjoying social media again.  Facebook has become my happy place.

The intense feelings of grief started creeping up on me this morning and little by little has taken over tonight.  An important trigger day is coming up tomorrow and another at the end of the month . . . both of my husbands were born in March.  So that means another night of no sleep associated with trigger times.

It is a roller coaster that doesn't want to stop, but I am looking for the off button and I hope to find it very soon.

One thing I do every day is count my blessings and thank God.  I'm grateful since my life is pretty good except for the grief roller coaster.  Blessings are what I focus on and I feel so lucky.  Maybe if I keep focusing on positivity, it won't be another night or a month of no sleep.

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Back Some Day

 

The Captain used to send me this song in his emails to me when we were in the long distance phase of our relationship. He would travel from North Carolina to Florida so we could spend time with each other to see for sure if what we had developed online worked in real life.

Every time he visited, the hardest thing was to say goodbye and not know when he would be visiting again. That is how it was between the visits and the returns home until he moved in with me forever. The words to this song bring back all the feelings. I could play this song over and over again, enjoy the wonderful memories and hate the tears because he is gone.

Long distance relationships do work and more importantly, internet relationships can move on to forever if you have the patience for it. It is an awesome way to get to know each other.

Single and feel a spark for someone online? Opportunity is knocking (read that post) and you need to listen. It may be something that can develop into something more.

Back Some Day|Blue lyrics

If you're alone

I want you to know

I'll be back some day

If you're alone

I want you to know

I'll be back some day

It's time for me to have to go away for so long to make our own paradise

But dreams don't come easy you've gotta believe me, you know this deep inside

But it's not long now till I'm on my way

I keep wishing tomorrow was yesterday

You're my everything that won't disappear

Girl you've got nothing to fear

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night

Just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own, I want you to know

I'll be there for you, I could never let go

I realize that you want me to stay, but hold on

I'll be back someday (be back someday, someday)

When I return, I wanna see this beautiful baby who's still loving me

With tears in her eyes but a smile on her face impatiently we'll embrace

But it's not long now, till' I'm on my way

I keep praying tomorrow was yesterday

You're my everything that won't disappear

Girl you've got nothing to fear

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night

Just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own, I want you to know

I'll be there for you, I could never let go

I realize that you want me to stay but hold on

I'll be back someday

And when I go

I'll be loving you still

Baby you will never know

Just how lonely I'll feel

You know I really gotta go

But I wish I could stay

Hold on (just hold on)

I'll be back, I'll be back...

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night, just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own, I want you to know

I'll be there for you, I could never let go

I realize that you want me to stay but hold on

I'll be back someday

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night

Just wait for me till I get home

Songwriters: Timothy Daniel Woodcock, Mike Terry. For non-commercial use only.

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Living Alone and Being Lonely . . . Or Not?

There have been several times in my life that I've lived alone.  

Twice more than 10 years each time.

On the subject of living alone or being lonely, living alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely.  Of course there will be times when loneliness will get to anyone, but most of us have a choice to get out and be around people when loneliness hits.  However, I do know from experience that you can be lonely in a room full of people, but that is another discussion.

Living alone also means having to take care of everything around the house or pay someone to do it for you.  That is the problem that faces me.  The older I get, the greater the difficulty, especially for someone like me that does not like to ask for help.

These days I specifically miss The Captain himself, the companionship and our discussions.  Sometimes I forget and start to shout out a thought not remembering that he is not in the other room and he never will be again.  With him passing away not that long ago, the grief has been fresh and I have wanted to be alone, not even wanting to talk to someone on the phone.    

On the lighter side . . . living alone means not having to deal with another person's moods or them dealing with yours . . . you only have to pick up after yourself . . . you can have control of the remote control and watch whatever you like . . . you can do whatever you want to do without considering what the other person thinks.

On a normal day, I think any of us will go back and forth on the subject.  Just because we all have that time where it is "all about me."  Right?  You know it is true!

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