Blessed beyond the chaos

 

“Every day, I try to remember all the ways I am blessed, beyond the chaos and bad things that happen. I take inventory and remember the wonderful people who love me.”
 

Ariana Madix

It amazed me when I came across the quote because it is the mindset I have had lately.  I have practiced the Simple Abundance lifestyle of gratitude for a long time, but my current emphasis has been on all the wonderful people who have touched my life and how their presence in my life have blessed me in different ways.  The love is what makes grief so horrible for me when they are gone, but the memories touch me deeply.  And I am so very grateful for those awesome memories.

Not everyone is meant to be in our life forever.  Sometimes God's plan for their presence in our lives is for a specific lesson and time.  I'm strongly realizing everything that has happened to me is a lesson.  The good and the bad.  

We choose to not like what has happened at the time, but there is always something there to learn when we seriously think about it.  In time I am almost always grateful for the lesson.

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Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart

 

It seems like yesterday that I watched the ball come down in Times Square.  Time has flown by as I prayed it would to better days that weren't so emotionally painful.  I can now feel joy in simple things again, a smile appears on my face for some of those simple things and it occurs to me I've reached the place in time I had asked God to stay close to me and surround me with his angels as I get there.  Another dreaded holiday has crept up on me and I'm fine.  The trigger days aren't as painful as they once were.  Thank God, I'm so grateful.

While I have no desire to put up a tree or decorate for Christmas since JR passed away over two decades ago, I don't hate the festivities anymore.  I can feel the joy of Christmas again and that makes me happy.

Today I'm realizing the beautiful world I remember is still here, it is within me even though the real world seems to be falling apart.  The strength within me will continue to take me to those better days I have prayed would come.

Proverbs 3:5-6:  

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

 and do not lean on your own understanding.

  In all your ways acknowledge him,

 and he will make straight your paths."

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Find the reason

 

“Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.”

Maya Angelou

One of the things I try to do is find a reason why a particular thing happened.  After living a happy and fortunate life for 23 years with JR, my first husband, it seems like after he passed away everything has gone wrong up to this day.

As I was contemplating life this Thanksgiving day and being grateful for everything, even the sad things that have happened I made a realization that I have thought of often.  In my life, like everyone else, I've experienced good and bad phases.  I've learned lessons through all of them.

Some people stay in a bad situation, meaning "bad" emotional state having gone through an unfortunate time.  It is my hope that I can be an example of someone who has gone through one bad thing after another for several decades and can work my way out of a bad emotional state.  There is another side to most bad situations.  You just have to find it and realize it.  For me, my faith in God gets me through even the bad days lately.

I'm always trying to find my way out of that cloud and I hope my life experiences can help you too.  

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We all have choices

 

“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. 

Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.”
 

WAYNE DYER

American author and motivational speaker

As I approach another Thanksgiving holiday alone without my little family, The Captain and Miss Kiki, the challenge has been to be happy with my awesome memories.  I miss them like crazy, but I can't bring them back, so I have chosen to go on with my life and not be so miserable.

When I think of all the people who were close to me in my lifetime that are now gone, it is sad to acknowledge they are gone, never to return, and I have made it through without them . . . every one of them, one by one.

That is life.  The fact that I grieve so hard for those who have left my life means that I seriously loved and cherished them.   It makes me so grateful to realize I have had so much love in my life that many don't experience.

The thought of no one having to die in this world sounds ideal, but in the scope of the existence of everyone ever in the whole world, doesn't it seem a little strange?

It is with extreme gratefulness that I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

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Renewed sense of aliveness through gratefulness

 

The renewed sense of aliveness in my life is amazing.  It goes to show how living gratefully has the power to transform.

Honestly, I can't say that I have been grateful for everything that happened since Hurricane Irma and all the misery that followed.  After each period of shock and heartbreak, the gratefulness came back, so did my faith in God.

Life isn't easy but through hope, faith and gratefulness, a joyful existence can be reached if it is what you strive for.  Anything in life is possible.  That is the lesson I have learned.

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Be true to yourself

 

Be faithful to that which exists within yourself. 

André Gide

It has finally occurred to me that I don't have to apologize for who I am.

Many don't understand why I love being a homebody finding peace in my solitude at home.

When I met The Captain, I desired one person who could love and understand me and he was the one.  And of course I wanted the attention and love from my dog Kiki.  Now that they are both gone, the grieving for not having them in my life anymore brought me to crave being totally alone to find my peace.  I lost my precious family.  

I'm now protecting the peace I found.

My life has changed drastically since my younger days when I enjoyed having lots of friends and family in my life.  My first husband and I would throw large parties all the time.  Our home was the party place.

Many people hurt me in my work life and my personal life.  I took it without fighting back for decades.  I slowly retreated from society.  After my first husband passed away, I let few people close to me as I sought solitude.  

Then I reached a new phase that was much like my present place in life.  I guess grieving the loss of the one person I loved with all my heart caused me to question who I am at the time.  Losing a partner brought me to a totally new place in life that has required solitude to reevaluate life and my place in it.  At least that is how it has been for me after losing both husbands.  I've been through it twice and it profoundly changed me.

I have been criticized after The Captain passed away for how I handle grief and many other things . . . again.  That was the tipping point to losing my tolerance for the bullshit of people.  

Now I really don't care.

Home is the one place where I don't fear judgment.  Being home alone at this point in my life has been a softer place to land in comfort.  Through my grief, turning away from people who criticize has taken me from anger to joy.

I'm not running away from life, I'm enjoying my comfortable solitude.

Maybe at the right moment in time I will want back into society, but I doubt it.

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What is your heart longing for right now?

 

As I approached the worst time of year for me in October, my prayer has continued to be feeling peace and contentment again.  While October was bad, my trust in God strengthens me even if peace and contentment are barely there, but better than last year.  Time does heal grief even though it moves way slow.

My heart longs for the desire to get things done that I need to do.  It is coming back slowly.  I've found myself automatically washing the dishes right away when preparing meals and not letting them stack up.  My desire to cook is coming back, which is really good since I spend way too much money ordering meals from Door Dash.

It would make me so happy to be able to use my office again.  The Captain stacked it with so many boxes that I can hardly walk in there since we moved back from my mom's house after the hurricane.  Yes, it has taken me that long.  

I went through a different type of grief when my mom moved to another state to live with my brother.  She and I were very close and I just see her maybe twice a year now.  So my desire to do major things has been gone a very long time.  It is about time I get that motivation back so I can live a normal home life.  I'd love to get back to making jewelry and selling stuff on Etsy and eBay.

Forward progress feels good as I regain my motivation and even feel peace and contentment at times.  I've found myself finding joy in little things again and thanking God for any amount of progress.

My trust in God is strong and I know I will find that perfect peace again.

 

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