What is your heart longing for right now?

 

As I approached the worst time of year for me in October, my prayer has continued to be feeling peace and contentment again.  While October was bad, my trust in God strengthens me even if peace and contentment are barely there, but better than last year.  Time does heal grief even though it moves way slow.

My heart longs for the desire to get things done that I need to do.  It is coming back slowly.  I've found myself automatically washing the dishes right away when preparing meals and not letting them stack up.  My desire to cook is coming back, which is really good since I spend way too much money ordering meals from Door Dash.

It would make me so happy to be able to use my office again.  The Captain stacked it with so many boxes that I can hardly walk in there since we moved back from my mom's house after the hurricane.  Yes, it has taken me that long.  

I went through a different type of grief when my mom moved to another state to live with my brother.  She and I were very close and I just see her maybe twice a year now.  So my desire to do major things has been gone a very long time.  It is about time I get that motivation back so I can live a normal home life.  I'd love to get back to making jewelry and selling stuff on Etsy and eBay.

Forward progress feels good as I regain my motivation and even feel peace and contentment at times.  I've found myself finding joy in little things again and thanking God for any amount of progress.

My trust in God is strong and I know I will find that perfect peace again.

 

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It feels better to be optimistic

 

"Choose to be optimistic, it feels better."

Dali Lama

For the first time, since The Captain passed away and my sweet Kiki had to be put to sleep, I can honestly say I am starting to feel joy.  My struggle has been to stay positive about life in general.  It was all the losses, including friends and family who turned their back on me, mainly about politics, how The Captain liked to fight back and how they didn't like it.  

After all this time, some now want to act like nothing happened.  But it did.  I may not like to confront anyone, but I also have had it with people hurting me.  Now I don't care.

Anyway, that explains my struggle with being optimistic.  But I have been fighting that struggle and am finally breaking through.  I have written about how I am dealing with grief and the negativity.  The point is I am finally experiencing positive results.

Being optimistic does feel better!

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The Behavior of Others

“Don’t let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”  

Dalai Lama

The opinion of others regarding me personally held me captive most of my life.  It agonized me to point of obsession where I was trying to figure out why the person was behaving in this manner.  It made me so sad.

As I look back at my life, I wonder what possessed me to even care about what others thought of me.  I've dealt with this kind of stuff so much that now I could care less and it has become easy to take these people out of my life.

Now I only want to know why and what their problem is.  What makes them think they can act this way toward another person?  It is total rudeness!

It has never been in my nature to lash out and defend myself, I would just ignore it and wish the behavior would go away.  Now I whisk the behavior out of my life . . . and I still won't confront.  It is a mystery to me that I don't confront.  

They no longer steal my inner peace!

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Positive Thoughts

 

One small positive thought can change your whole day.

Zig Ziglar
When you are down and out, one of the hardest things to do is talk yourself into a positive mood.  Most of the time I could not do it until I started trying little tricks to fool myself.1.  Turn off the television unless it is something that will make you laugh.  If you are like me when you are in that negative mood, hardly anything will make you laugh.  Don't even watch the news, stay away from it like poison!!2.  Turn on music that you love or relaxes you.  In my case, it is high energy dance music like old disco music.  It doesn't relax me, but it brings me to a happier place and time.  It is the most positive inspiring thing I can do for myself.3.  Write about how you feel.  Usually I write in my blog, but sometimes it is just too personal and I write somewhere else.  Ask yourself questions, like "why am I upset" like a therapist would do.  As a matter of fact, I learned this one trick from my therapist a long time ago.  It has really helped me understand myself and get through many situations.4.  I'll ask myself to do one tiny thing and not think about a whole bunch of stuff that needs to be done.  It could be that doing the one little thing will result in doing something else.  5.  Don't overwhelm yourself, if possible.  I'm retired and alone, so it is easy for me to do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it.6.  Talk to yourself positively.  Your thoughts are instrumental in how you feel.These are some of my coping mechanisms that I see as being positive and so important in my life.  Sometimes it takes tiny baby steps, but any step is a step forward.  Coping with life circumstances is taking one second at a time and learning how to sit down, relax and take a deep breath, telling yourself "you can do this."  Otherwise I'll just stay in bed and watch television which is negative and so bad for me. 

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The Turning Point

 

• “True abundance isn’t based on our net worth, 
• it’s based on our self-worth.” 
• Gabrielle Bernstein

After 9-11, the book "Simple Abundance" changed my life.  Since then, my quest for success and making more and more money changed to being grateful for what I have.  It stresses what is really important in life.

The realization to slow down, take a deep breath and enjoy the moment is lost in our society.  It seems like they wake up angry and run around like a chicken with its head cut off.  

My life has changed drastically since my younger days.  I was one of those people running around and moving so fast that I could not enjoy anything.  That can make you very angry at the world and everything that happens, no matter how good.

When I decided to drop out, stay home and become an internet retailer, the relief I felt was indescribable.  The feeling of peace within my soul was so much more important than the money.  JR and I were the happiest we had ever been.  That was so important since he passed away shortly after the lifestyle change.  For that I have been eternally grateful.  All the money in the world could not bring me to that place.

Life after The Captain passed away has been filled with guilt since so many things were left in an undone, bad place and stole my peace.  Forgotten were the lessons learned on 9-11 of treating every day as if it was the last.

It has been difficult for me to have a positive attitude and grateful life since I felt so undone to the soul of my being.  Having to put Kiki to sleep was the ultimate "nail in the coffin" to my life.

Today, I am back to the gratefulness as I finally realize that these things are all part of life, the good and the bad.  I believe it is all God's will and I should trust him.  Everything happens for a reason.  I'm so happy for the awesome memories of my past life that made me happy and even the sad ones.  

More importantly, they have

 taught me valuable life lessons.

My relationships with people in this world have solidified my love of being home alone and not feeling the judgment of others with whatever I am experiencing in my life.  Now I don't care what anyone thinks and that is finally true freedom. I am not lonely since I have a very content life.

Do what makes you happy no matter what anyone else thinks!

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Peace and contentment

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

I've recently realized that trust and resulting faith brings peace and contentment.  

It is what I've been praying for.

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Hope and positivity

 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

While I am still incredibly sad, my faith in God has intensified and the feelings of hope have brought me to a happier place even though nothing has changed.  It is a positive state of mind which results in hope.

The first anniversary of making the decision to put Kiki to sleep is a week away and it feels like time has stood still.  My heart breaks over and over again as the days pass.  My memories have gradually shifted to those that make me smile and I know that is a positive sign.  She always appears in my dreams so vividly and I wake up feeling like she has visited me.  They are always happy visits.  God has truly blessed me.  I know that those who have not experienced finding their soul dog think I am crazy.

I have faith and hope that I will be happy again.

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Every day is a new day

 

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

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Find The Happy Life

 

"You do not find the happy life.

You make it."

Thomas S. Monson

Determined to find contentment in the midst of grief and sadness, I asked myself the simple question . . . "what would make me happy?" . . . the graphic depicts what would make me happy at this time in my life.  

An outdoor sanctuary, a pleasant place to escape that is pleasing to my senses, to enjoy a beautiful Florida day and watch the birds and squirrels.  A place to be grateful for all that I have been blessed with.  Surround myself with the happiness that being in the middle of colorful flowers brings me.

While I realize that getting to that place will take lots of hard work, I think the work distraction alone is just what I need.  So, as the hot days of summer unwind, I shall embark on this new journey that I know will bring me peace and contentment.  I've done this before.  This time it could be the thing that works wonders for my physical health as well as the positive mental aspect of it all.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

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Passage of Time

 

When it comes to grief, the time of grief seems like you lost your loved one yesterday even though it has been some time.  It is as if the passage of time is non-existent, yet it has flown by so fast.  It really is a weird concept and feeling.

It could be that it is normal to relive the day of passing often, making it seem like yesterday.  Disorientation is a normal part of my life and I can't explain it.  

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Grateful through positivity

 

“When the heart grieves over what it has lost,

the spirit rejoices over what it has left.”  

Sufi Epigram

As I experience and heal from another grief journey, I try to be aware of how I am thinking since it makes a big difference in how I feel at the time.  It makes such a difference and the quote is a great example of how we can think about losing a loved one.

In my experience, I am consumed at what I've lost at first.  As time passes and the memories take over and the good times are what I think about, I am left with the awesome feeling of having had that loved one in my life at all with the good and the bad memories.  Usually, I concentrate on the good.

Many people I know think this way.  In fact, it is like they forget everything bad and think that they have turned a bad person into a saint in their mind.  Sometimes I wonder who they are talking about.  That way of thinking is how they cope with the loss.

First of all, I am so grateful to have experienced the love.  On the other hand, I try to be realistic about the relationship I had with them.  Sweeping bad memories under the rug can come back to haunt you.  It comes down to life balances.

The main thing is gratefulness.  It always brings a smile to my face.

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The need to be alone

 

The one thing that has bothered me most in my grief journey is having to explain myself constantly and feeling like I am not heard.  Having gone through the widow journey twice, I am just tired of being misunderstood and want to be totally alone to finally give myself permission to heal in my own way without being "discussed and judged" by others.  Just leave me alone, you have "helped" enough.  Your concern is killing me.

Rather than try to explain once again, the following post from a Facebook group perfectly describes how I have been feeling most of my adult life.  In my opinion, if you truly care about someone, you try to understand instead of asking the same insulting questions over and over again . . . no wonder I no longer want to be around those who have continually hurt me.  It started a long, long time ago . . . and it is more than just grief.

"When she goes quiet, it’s crucial to understand: it’s not because she has nothing left to say. Her silence isn’t emptiness; it’s incredibly full. Full of words too heavy to speak, full of emotions too raw to unravel, full of a pain that feels utterly impossible to put into coherent sentences.

She’s tired. Profoundly tired. Tired of explaining herself over and over again, only to be met with blank stares or superficial nods. Tired of being so consistently misunderstood. Tired of tirelessly holding it all together when no one around her truly sees the cracks forming, slowly, beneath her surface.

Her silence isn’t indifference; it’s sheer exhaustion. It’s the immense weight of carrying battles no one else can see, of fighting internal wars while bravely pretending everything is fine on the outside. Sometimes, the deepest battles are fought in silence, and the loudest cries go tragically unheard because they never even leave her lips.

And maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t need solutions or advice right now. Maybe she just needs someone to acknowledge the storm without demanding an explanation. Because her silence isn’t weakness—it’s survival. And sometimes, the bravest thing a woman can do is simply stay silent when the world relentlessly expects her to speak, to perform, to be "fine." This is her unfiltered emotion in its rawest form."

Source: A post from a Facebook group, Deep Feelings

https://www.facebook.com/groups/768416138555327/

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Roller coaster of emotions

 

My life has been like a roller coaster for as far back as when my Nana passed away when I was a young adult.  It seems like I am always in the "learning how to live again without you" stage.

The hardest one is dealing with the decision to put Kiki to sleep.  The devastating emotional decision came too soon after The Captain passed away and I became a true hermit.  

Kiki was all the emotional support I needed and took comfort in her sweetness like when she'd put her paw on me, letting me know that she was here for me, or the look in her eyes that could talk to me without words.  I depended on that love and comfort too much and loved her as much as I would have loved my own child that I never had.  Signing that paper was the worse thing I have ever had to do in my whole life.

I know that I did a good thing for her since the vet told me she was so sick and loved her enough to not want her to go through pain.  But making the decision to let her go is still haunting me, some days worse than others.  At least I am experiencing decent days and am so grateful for finally having those days.

Now I am learning how to live alone while learning to live without those loved ones who are no longer with me.  It is definitely a roller coaster of emotions.  Interacting with others has become difficult for me since, at this time of my life, I have nothing to say to anyone.  Look at my blog since The Captain passed away.  I miss him terribly, the emotions are raw and I find it difficult to even want to speak to anyone at this time.  

Once again, I am on medication for my anxiety after trying to live without it.  Now I am trying a different one that works better.

My mom was recently back in town and I actually drove a short distance.  It was not a complete success, although I did get out and even went to a restaurant twice.  So I have made some progress even though there were some failures involved that have affected me negatively.

It is all good . . . progress is progress!

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What keeps you safe?

 

The line comes from a movie I just watched . . . "What keeps you safe" . . . it has made me think all afternoon.  Sometimes I am amazed at the things that provoke deep thoughts.

The first thing that came to mind was my faith in God.  It makes me stronger no matter what others may think.  

Yes, I have terrible anxiety which makes me very fearful of so many things and there are many things I have not done in my life because of it.  My Christianity is often questioned because of this, which really makes me angry.  However, when it comes down to it, my faith in God keeps me feeling safe regardless of how it sounds.  I guess it can also be explained as choosing your battles. And I definitely choose my own no matter what.

One thing I hate more than anything in this life is having to explain myself to others.  I've had to explain myself all of my life.  Guess you could say it is a sore spot that also keeps me from doing some things.  My intuition tells me not to and I've learned to listen.  That keeps me safe in a way I can't explain as does being true to myself.

Then I go back to thinking about what "safe" really means.  I keep my feelings and emotions "safe" from being hurt by simply staying away from the thing that disturbs me.  Physically "safe" means just staying home and away from the general public. 

Sometimes I think I'm lost, but it is a lie my emotions tells myself during bad times.  I always make it through.  But maybe it is because I acknowledge my feelings and try to figure out how to deal with it.  It is never about feeling sorry for myself.  

I've finally reached the place in my life where I don't care what others think about me and the way I live my life. 

Memories . . . even the bad ones.  They contribute to who I am.  I don't really know why they keep me safe, but they do.  Maybe because they prove that I am a survivor going way back.  They also prove to me that good times do exist, even after bad times.  And they are reminders of what happiness meant to me.  Important reminders in life.

The main thing is self-acceptance and love.

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Believe in yourself

 

 

Love yourself first.

Believe in yourself.

Positive thinking.

There is power in all of the above.

Could be some of the secrets to happiness?

I'll admit that those times in my life when I felt negatively about myself were times of depression and unhappiness.  We can't blame ourselves for all that happens in our lives.  Learning how to move on quickly is so important.  You can get stuck in the rut of depression which is not good at all.  That is where I have been.  

It can't be confused with feeling sorry for yourself.

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Life is good

 

Although I am still healing and experiencing way too much emotional pain that I pretty much inflict on myself, life in general is good.  

Quality of life is subjective depending on how you perceive it.  I'm not sure that even made sense.  It did to me.  Other than the emotional stress I put on myself, my quality of life is pretty good.  

I have always been the type of person who could be alone in life and still have a good quality of life and experience happiness.  At an early age, people let me down and hurt me, making it easy to depend on myself since I have always felt there were few in my life I could trust not to hurt me.  And really, for that I am grateful since I am a stronger person for it.  Stronger does not mean happier though.

Not trusting others is one of those things that does not make my life happier.  It just makes me so aware of others and ready to deal with disappointment.  In my whole life, there are very few people I have allowed close to me.  And with those few, many of them were a mistake to let close.  We live and learn, don't we?

Since The Captain was ill before he passed away and since then, I allowed those who hurt me get the best of me and as a result, I have isolated myself, determined to be happy on my own and protect myself from further hurt.  It is so foolish to allow others to determine your happiness.  Even those we truly love.

I have learned that all I need is to believe in myself, be grateful for all that God has blessed me with and KNOW and acknowledge exactly how blessed I really am.  There is not much that I really need to worry about, so I have decided that it is time to shed the extreme sadness from grief and the anger of those who hurt me, find joy in the little things in life and make the quality of my life the best it has ever been.

That is the goal for the rest of my life!

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Healing is not easy

 

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Trigger days

 

 

A string of trigger days have beat me up.  

Sometimes I think I will never get over losing The Captain and Kiki and it is killing me.

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A Love That Lives

My sweet Kiki and the cherished memories of her presence in my life is a treasured and precious gift.  This month I celebrate her birth month.  She would have been 16 years old.

I miss her so much.  My heart is broken . . .

A Love That Lives

When you’ve loved a dog until the end,

You’ve known the deepest love, my friend.

A bond unspoken, pure and true,

A love that time cannot undo.

They walk beside us, heart to heart,

A faithful soul, a work of art.

Their joy, their trust, their gentle grace,

A love that lightens every place.

But love so deep must pay its due,

And when they go, they take a piece of you.

The silent house, the empty space,

The longing ache time can’t erase.

Yet love like theirs is never lost,

It lingers on, despite the cost.

In memories sweet, in whispered dreams,

In echoes soft of running streams.

For when we loved them till the end,

We gained a love that will transcend—

A gift that pain can’t steal away,

A love that lives beyond decay.

Mark Waldrop

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Lost

 

I'm trying.

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Hopes, peace and contentment

That little voice in my head has been speaking to me and through feeling grateful again, I have regained hope for the future.  It isn't hope for anything in particular, just peace and contentment.  

In my younger days, when I aspired to one thing or another, I didn't have time to be grateful or feel contentment.  It was the "thing" that was all important.

As time goes on and life throws challenges at me, peace and contentment is what is all important.  It is less complicated and leads to a happier life.  

The book "Simple Abundance" changed my life so many decades ago when I started reevaluating what was important in my life.  The change to a simpler life that made me so grateful for the nature and beauty in my back yard.  My yard was beautiful with so much color and alive with the birds and squirrels that I fed.  But after JR died, working in the yard was no longer satisfying.  Nothing was.  Grief does that to me.

The biggest lesson in my life has been dealing with grief and death.  I've been through so many phases in my life that has made peace and contentment the most important. Knowing that no matter what, everything will be ok is the best feeling in the world at this point in my life.

I've wiped the dust off of my book "Simple Abundance" and hope to find more peace and contentment.  It is about time that I remember hope is a good thing.

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Life, dreams and gratitude

 

The tragic fires in California this past week have given me so much to think about life, hopes and dreams and gratitude.  In the course of life, going after our hopes and dreams or experiencing difficult life circumstances, we sometimes get overwhelmed and forget to be grateful.  It is human nature and doesn't mean that we are an ungrateful person.

Since The Captain passed away last year and having to make the difficult decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep recently, grief has taken me over and although I am usually grateful for everything I have been blessed with, the deep pain within has consumed me. 

Those in the path of those fires not only face losing their home, but their lifestyle.  The lucky ones will still have their home, but friends and neighbors will probably be gone, all the familiar places like grocery stores and schools gone.  No doubt these "lucky" people will feel that horrible feeling of deep grief that will change their life forever.  And like grief from a physical death, they will probably feel profound guilt.

No matter what their circumstance, most had hopes and dreams.  Some achieved dreams, some had future dreams . . . both are perceived gone at first.

Having watched way too many hours of news, it has made me think about life in general and have ultimately realized how grateful I am for everything I have been blessed with and I can have new hopes and dreams for my life.

The following poem and all that thinking made it all make sense.

"Today I woke and found myself

With less than yesterday

My life was missing things

I had assumed were here to stay

Things that had seemed little

'til they left a giant space,

Left an empty silence

And a longing in their place

And I began to understand

That when push came to shove

I longed for what I’d had

When I’d thought that was not enough

I’d always looked ahead

Was always chasing more and more

Growing so complacent

Of the things I once wished for

Running to tomorrow,

To the weekend, to next year

Forgetting I was lucky

For the things already here

And all this made me realize

That my life can’t buy more time

So maybe I should spend my time

Loving this life of mine

And maybe I’ll be grateful

For the little things I’ve got

That seem inconsequential

But which mean an awful lot

So, tonight I’ll thank the stars

Instead of asking them for more

And I will hope to wake with all

The things I’ve thanked them for

‘Cause now I see that my todays

Are filled with time I’ve borrowed

And I shouldn’t sit around and waste them

Chasing my tomorrows."

'Chasing Tomorrow' by Becky Helmsley from 'Letters from Life'

Becky Hemsley Poetry

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