Monday, July 22, 2024
Sunday, June 30, 2024
My New Normal
It happens to me every day . . . the memories, the tears and the sadness that doesn't want to go away. I try to dwell on happy memories, but the sadness still sneaks in. Profound sadness. I never wear makeup anymore, it is too messy with the tears.
My doctor asked me if I want to die as a result of the sadness. No, I don't want to die, but I'm not fearful that I will. I know where I am going. And at this point in my life, the number of people close to me still living are less than those who have left me.
Positive thinking doesn't help since that is tricking myself into one thing or another.
I know the grief I am feeling is still fresh and will be with me the rest of my life. The bad feelings just have to change at least for a little while. This too shall pass.
Thursday, May 30, 2024
Long Darkness
Nothing has been as it seems, or has it?
Some lines from a movie I recently saw really hit home with me and put the past year into a weird perspective.
"I was sleeping peacefully in the midst of a long darkness. It is good to sleep when you can't find the answers so I just slept for what seemed like months. Then I was pulled by a light, life was pulling me back."
It seems as though the roller coaster of grief has had me going back and forth as though I am having a bad dream, woken up to a momentary desire to get back to normal life, but swiftly pulled back out of the reality that is way too painful to deal with. Of course I deal with it, I have no choice, but the mind can play tricks on us in those painful dark moments of grief. I tend to want to just stay in bed and not face another day of the torment of a new reality.
I think to myself, "it can't be possible that my life has changed this drastically." But it has. Nothing makes sense and I feel lost without him.
I'm going though a crazy, difficult phase of grief where the long darkness makes me look at progress I've made skeptically. This too shall pass. I know because I have already been here 20 years ago when my first husband passed away, I just forgot how difficult it was.
Tuesday, May 28, 2024
Faith, Love and Time
The Memorial Day weekend was bittersweet and difficult.
Military holidays were so special for The Captain, they were a part of who he was. I had never experienced a person who was so patriotic and so proud of his military service. I often thought that when he retired from the military, a part of him died. It is who he was, but no longer had an active part in it. It is a sad fact of retirement, you kind of lose your identity.
Although I dislike war movies, I almost wanted the bombardment of his holiday ritual, marathon war movies. They meant he was alive and well and still with me.
It was one of those times that I just needed to be alone and cry my eyes out. Somehow it makes me feel better and allows me to be strong. That doesn't make sense, but grief does not make sense. Just when I think I can handle life again, it hits me like a ton of bricks.
Looking back at the memories that flooded me over the weekend, although I hate what grief does to me, it means that I loved deeply. And for that I will always be grateful.
Tuesday, May 21, 2024
Looking back
Caught in my fears
Blinking back the tears
I can't say you hurt me
When you never let me near
Lyrics from
Long Long Time
by Linda Ronstadt
Today has been a day of looking back at memories from different times of my life and all the love and close relationships I have experienced. Some good, some bad . . . just like everyone else.
The most frustrating were the ones I didn't understand, but allowed myself to love anyway and sometimes got hurt. Some people never let you in, no matter how close you think you are. Still, I have no regrets.
Those lyrics are somewhat contradictory, yet they ring true.
I no longer have fears of close relationships because I am done with them. My experiences with trust issues have crammed my lifetime. I want the rest of my life to be content with what I have and the awesome memories that occupy my mind.
As times goes on, it seems to me that people in general have turned so cold, heartless, lacking compassion . . . I include myself in that statement. I'd rather spend the time I have left alone with God to keep me company.
Life wasn't always that way and it makes me sad. I only see glimpses of the world I once knew.
Monday, May 13, 2024
Saturday, April 20, 2024
Sit with the pain
This is what grief is.
A hole ripped through the very fabric of your being.
But that hole will always be there.
A piece of you always missing.
For where there is deep grief, there was great love.
Don’t be ashamed of your grief.
Don’t judge it.
Don’t suppress it.
Don’t rush it.
Rather, acknowledge it.
Lean into it.
Listen to it.
Feel it.
Sit with it.
Sit with the pain. And remember the love.
This is where the healing will begin.
Author unknown
I'm feeling a little better, but it has been a bad few weeks. It is what I expect, but sometimes I can handle it better. This year is different since I'm experiencing The Captain's passing too. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be normal.
In the meantime, I deal with it as best as I can and sit with the pain with my awesome memories.
Wednesday, April 17, 2024
Simple
Memories are the best things in life. At this time I feel they are all I have left, although I know that is not true. Bad grief phases make me have those awful feelings, but also make me so grateful for those great memories.
I have not been able to pick myself up properly since the trigger days of March. This too shall pass and I know it very well, but while going through it, it is what I perceive as hell. Maybe it is what I deserve for whatever reason.
Praying for peace . . .
Tuesday, April 2, 2024
Lessening Grief
In the course of dealing with grief phases, I have found myself relying on memories as a comfort for the painful feelings of grief. I'm always grateful for having had my loved ones share their life with me. Even remembering not so great memories leads to being grateful. Life is more than good times and anger has a place in there too.
Time changes the way we perceive memories. I didn't realize that until The Captain passed away. Memories of my life with JR have changed through the years without me realizing that it was happening.
Time lessens grief, but it never takes it away. I have learned to be grateful for everything I have been blessed with, especially another day.
Sunday, March 31, 2024
Holiday Blues
Another trigger day, actually a double trigger day, JR's birthday.
This is the end of trigger days for a while thank God and I am already feeling better. It is all a mindset.
In the past, I loved holidays, they were so special. Now they are memories of special days. In my time with The Captain, the holidays were already dreaded days. He wasn't fond of them either, except for our birthdays and anniversary.
Friday, March 29, 2024
Lacking Peace
My latest grief stage has brought me far away from perfect peace. It is getting better, but faith and trust have been difficult to attain. The birthdays of two husbands who have passed away have been awful trigger days with Easter around the corner.
This definition of peace is what I have been lacking . . . "freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions".
As I prepared our traditional Easter ham and potato salad, the overwhelming empty feeling of not sharing the cooking and enjoying the meal and the holiday itself with both of them consumed me.
These are typical trigger days that have doubled for me. The Captain helped me through those days in the past. Now I try to relive the memories of days past to get through the present trigger days.
Monday, March 25, 2024
Sunday, March 24, 2024
Loud Silence
It has been a weird time. Yes, the silence is loud. Sometimes it is hard to breathe. I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say. I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me. Only him. God knows how much I miss him.
It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much. However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now. The Captain and I were rarely without words. He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.
Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.
Thursday, March 21, 2024
Don't give up now
But really, do I have a choice?
I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again. Just when I was starting to feel better.
I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief. The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.
If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up. I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain. He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so. It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.
Wednesday, March 20, 2024
Love With No Place To Go
All that talk about positivity has gone out the window. I find myself overthinking everything. My happy, carefree attitude of taking one moment at a time has disappeared. It is what grief is all about. One must be ready for it to get through it quickly. I'm trying!
The trick is to figure out how to pull yourself back to a comfortable place that is sometimes so difficult to find.
Love with no place to go is rough and heartbreaking.
Saturday, March 16, 2024
Grief Angel
This past week has been all over the place.
As much as I try to stay positive, there are times that I just lose control. It is simple, I miss him terribly. This must be the "miss you" phase.
My family to coming to town just in time. I have been missing them too and it complicates the feelings of grief.
It is just one of those phases that will pass quickly, I hope.
Friday, March 15, 2024
Thursday, March 14, 2024
Remembering Good Times
In this phase of grief, the recollection of awesome times are helping me honor The Captain's place in my life. There are moments in time and then there are events that brought us so much fun and happiness. I will write about them and relive them all over again with a smile on my face. We had many good times!
We loved Busch Gardens and visited often since we had annual passes. They provided fabulous entertainment and among our favorites was Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits.
Peter was still doing the concert circuit after all these years. The Captain and I had the pleasure of attending one of his concerts and had a blast singing along to all those hits whose lyrics were still fresh in our minds. We weren't the only ones. Baby boomers surrounded us and we were all singing.
His voice is awesome as ever, with the same witty personality as Herman the teenage boy with the sweet face we knew back in the day. It was an excellent concert we never forgot . . . what a treat, we spoke of it often. Peter is a timeless entertainer who is very entertaining!
photo by Gina Alfani
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