Dark Silence

 

As a person who has gone to sleep watching television forever  because I hate silence and am especially fearful of darkness, I was not in the best frame of mind with Hurricane Milton taking out my electricity before the storm even started and didn't come back on for three or four days later.  I have honestly lost track of time or even what day it is.

It had only been a few days since I had to put my precious fur baby Kiki to sleep, so I was a big mess already.  A week or so before, Kiki and I went through Hurricane Helene alone with her on my lap on the couch . . . having her with me was a comfort and I felt better.  I went through the latest hurricane sitting alone on the couch without the emotional comfort of my precious girl.  I miss her so much.

The dark silence of those days haunted me, making the feelings of grief and the hole in my heart from losing Kiki and The Captain even more intense, making me lonelier than I have ever felt in my life.  But I remained as calm as I could possibly be and made it through a very stressful time.  Honestly, I did have a few times of freaking out.  I'm not a brave person, but have become stronger as I get older and experience more life.

The storm was brutal.  News reports state that Tampa received winds of up to 100 mph.  They were not all gusts . . . at times the winds were sustained for what seemed like forever.  I thought the roof was going to fly off my house, but it didn't.  God was there to protect me.  The only damage was a knocked over mailbox.  Surprising and grateful!

Going through the process of hearing the news that Kiki was sick and ultimately having her put to sleep was one of the worse times I have ever experienced in my life.  She was my baby and constant companion for 12 years, but she had an awesome life with so much love after the Captain and I rescued her from the shelter.  They found her roaming the streets, lost and alone.  That is another story.  

I guess God doesn't think I need peace yet.  He has more for me to learn.

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Disappointment, truth and lies

 

People in general have disappointed me more than usual lately.  I have written about the pharmacy that continues to mistreat their clients.  It isn't just me.  They finally gave me one of the medications that make my life more bearable, however, they gave me a month's worth but charged me with three months.  I didn't realize it until I tried to refill the prescription and was accused of abusing my medication.  That was the ultimate insult from this pharmacy after all the problems I've had.  For one thing, I don't take the minimum of what I can take and not even close to taking more.  I hate being dependent on pills to feel normal.  Also hate it being a case of my word against theirs and having to do without my medication again.

My latest disappointment is my little Kiki's vet.  I will start by saying that after all the loss in my life, my dog is one of the most important "people" in my life.  My latest trip to the vet for the yearly visit has majorly concerned me.  Kiki is over 15 years old, I know she is going to develop health problems sooner or later.  She is the seemingly most healthy dog I have ever had.  The vet had me scared to death that she had sepsis and was ready to die.  $1000 and a ton of medication later, I have to take her back to get tested again.  Another $1000?  I swear to God, she seems perfectly healthy to me despite the vet telling me she has all these things wrong with her.

I am a responsible dog mama.  If my baby needs these medications and testing to have a quality of life that includes her being healthy and pain free, I am totally willing to do what is necessary to make that happen.  My gut tells me that she may need medication for her arthritis and vitamins/supplements to make her feel the best she can feel, but they are stretching the truth about her overall condition. 

It is a concern for me either way.  But when my gut tells me they are playing with my emotions to make more money, that upsets me greatly.  

The older I get, the more I am also concerned with the way seniors are treated.  Never in my life have people made me feel so stupid when I know I am a very intelligent person.  Growing old was never an emotional concern, but that is changing.  I have always tried to be as nice as I can when dealing with people even when they are not.  Lately I don't care if I am nice or not.  Being a nice senior means being mistreated and taken advantage of.  Nice is perceived as being stupid.

I hate it.  Everybody is growing older . . . one day they will realize the error of their ways and I hope ask God for forgiveness.

 

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Life's Purpose

 

"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."

~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I'm having a problem with this and feeling so lost. The more I think about it, the more difficult it is to come up with an answer.

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What is wrong with people?

 

I'm waiting for sunrise to get in my car and go on a new adventure.  

After two months of being off my medication for depression, I'm finally leveling off and feeling so much better.  I hope I never have to go through another nightmare to get the medication I desperately need, especially at this time in my life.  Yes, I explained over and over again that I am experiencing a high degree of grief, but the order kept getting cancelled.  

I'm so tired of fighting people who really don't care to do a good job.  I have encountered this type of thing with all the stuff I have had to deal with regarding the Captain's death.  The saddest is to appeal the denial for his burial rights.  This stuff already stresses me out and what makes it worse is to have to address it over and over again.

The good news is that I am feeling better and ready to start fighting for what is coming to me again.

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Just need a hug

 

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My New Normal

 It happens to me every day . . . the memories, the tears and the sadness that doesn't want to go away.  I try to dwell on happy memories, but the sadness still sneaks in.  Profound sadness.  I never wear makeup anymore, it is too messy with the tears.

My doctor asked me if I want to die as a result of the sadness.  No, I don't want to die, but I'm not fearful that I will.  I know where I am going.  And at this point in my life, the number of people close to me still living are less than those who have left me.

Positive thinking doesn't help since that is tricking myself into one thing or another.

I know the grief I am feeling is still fresh and will be with me the rest of my life.  The bad feelings just have to change at least for a little while.  This too shall pass.

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Long Darkness

 

Nothing has been as it seems, or has it?

Some lines from a movie I recently saw really hit home with me and put the past year into a weird perspective.  

"I was sleeping peacefully in the midst of a long darkness.  It is good to sleep when you can't find the answers so I just slept for what seemed like months.  Then I was pulled by a light, life was pulling me back."

It seems as though the roller coaster of grief has had me going back and forth as though I am having a bad dream, woken up to a momentary desire to get back to normal life, but swiftly pulled back out of the reality that is way too painful to deal with.  Of course I deal with it, I have no choice, but the mind can play tricks on us in those painful dark moments of grief.  I tend to want to just stay in bed and not face another day of the torment of a new reality.  

I think to myself, "it can't be possible that my life has changed this drastically."  But it has.  Nothing makes sense and I feel lost without him.

I'm going though a crazy, difficult phase of grief where the long darkness makes me look at progress I've made skeptically.  This too shall pass.  I know because I have already been here 20 years ago when my first husband passed away, I just forgot how difficult it was.

 

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