A Heavy Heart

The holidays are hitting me harder than usual this year.  I know it is the recent decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep a month or so ago.  I miss her terribly and feel so much guilt since I had to sign that damn paper.  It has compounded the loss of two husbands.  The good memories both help and hurt me.

I have found many groups and pages on Facebook that have helped me cope.  The following is a poem from one of them.  The source is also listed.  I could have written this myself . . .

You think she's angry, but you don't see,

The weight she carries silently.

It’s not the rage that fills her eyes,

But tiredness in a thin disguise.

She's not furious, but worn and torn,

From dreams abandoned, hopes forlorn.

She’s tired, she’s weary, she’s feeling lost,

Paying life’s relentless cost.

She’s sinking deep in a sea of doubt,

Crying softly, without a shout.

Frustration builds, but not from hate

It’s the closed doors, the heavy weight.

She promised much, her dreams were bright,

But now she battles every night.

She wants to give, to rise, to shine,

But life’s harsh currents pull the line.

So when you see her weary stare,

Know it’s not anger, but despair.

She’s fighting hard to find her way,

Hoping tomorrow’s a kinder day.

- Christina Stewart

Source for photo and poem

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When your dog is your soulmate

 

As I have grieved my fur baby Kiki, I have sought out social media forums and communities dedicated to help grievers cope with that terrible phase in their life.  It is important to surround yourself with those who have and are walking the same journey, just wanting to find peace.  Below you will find a post that said everything I have been thinking about my little girl. 

It has been over a month since she's been gone and I am still so heartbroken.  Starting to take her kennel down, her "house," has proven to be one of the most difficult endeavors ever for me.  I feel like I am betraying her and trying to erase her existence, which is so far from reality.  It is tearing me up big time.

If you are walking in my shoes, feeling the loss of a pet and grieving in a profound way, the following group on Facebook is for you.  The article below will help you understand why you are having such a difficult time when others who don't understand just think you are being ridiculous and just need to get over it.  It is that magical connection that is still so strong and always will be.

Source for article and graphics: Serendipity Corner

"When your dog is your soulmate, it feels like they’ve seen the depths of who you are and decided to love you anyway, flaws and all. There’s no pretense with them. They don’t care if you’ve had a bad day, if you’re broken, or if you’re lost. They just stay. Not because they have to, but because, for some reason, their soul fits with yours in a way that makes everything feel a little lighter.

It’s not about them reading your mind or sensing your moods like it’s some magical connection. It’s more raw than that. It’s in the moments where you feel like you’ve got nothing left to give, and yet, somehow, they bring out the part of you that still cares. It’s in their eyes, how they look at you like you’re the only thing that matters. There’s no pretending with them—no need to put up walls or hold back emotions. With them, you’re exactly who you are, and that’s enough.

And it’s more than just love—it’s the way they make you see yourself differently, the way they pull you out of places you didn’t even know you were stuck in. The bond is stronger than anything life throws at you because it’s rooted in something so simple and pure. They don’t just support you—they remind you, in the most basic, honest way, that you’re worth being loved. And when the world feels cold or distant, they’re the one soul you can count on, no matter what.

R.M. Drake 

Artist Credit: Lisa Aisato"

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Grief is a strange journey

 

I've been going through another grief journey that has knocked me down pretty hard. Losing a pet is an indescribable grief.

In order to make a real attempt of going through this loss better than the losses of two husbands, I have discovered and remember how different the feelings are when it is an innocent little creature who can't tell you they are sick. Our pets want to make us happy. Some of them take it so seriously that they can be so sick and close to death, but don't want to bother you with it. Or so it seems.

Groups I have joined to cope with pet grief have opened my eyes to this. The majority of members say that they had no idea their pet was so gravely ill and it was too late to help them survive. Their described heartache matches mine. Total devastation at the loss of their precious best friend who was always so loyal and loving.

Although I am trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied, my little Kiki is always on my mind. I've gone through so much guilt for not picking up that she was so sick. Those groups have helped me through that guilt. There is something to be said about surrounding yourself with those who understand what you are going through since they have experienced the same journey. The journey that never ends.

"Grief is a strange journey.

Each time we embark upon it, it is as though we have never taken its roads before.

No, I have that wrong: each grief brings us through a familiar landscape carved into unrecognizable contours.

For we do not only lose another person; we lose the person we were with the one we lost."

Patricia Monaghan

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The difficulty of grieving

Someone in a group I belong to told me that I'm in the "deep of grief" and I know that the way grief manifests itself changes with time.  But it never ever goes away.

My two recent losses, The Captain and my precious little Kiki were my immediate family that I lived with and loved day after day.  I am now completely lost with both of them gone.  My home is totally silent and feels so empty without them.  

When The Captain passed away, Kiki and I grew closer and we grieved together.  Dogs do grieve just like people, but in their own little way.  I have always taught my dogs to "talk" and Kiki took talking very seriously.  In our grieving together, she knew when I was going through a rough time and she would come to me and talk, hitting my leg with her paw, like to say "listen to me, I'm talking to you and want you to feel better."  The comforting look in her eyes was indescribable.  She comforted me like no human could and that made her so much more special than she already was.  

Now I am in the "deep of grief" over losing her company and comforting, resenting the fact that I can freely walk around and not worry about her tripping me since she was a Velcro dog.  I'm finding it so difficult to move past this and learn to live without her at my side every minute of every day.

I found this poem on the internet and it perfectly relates how I have been feeling since The Captain passed away and now Kiki. 

The harder we love

Means the harder we grieve

The harder it is

To go on when they leave

The harder to sleep

And the harder to wake

To know they’re not here

With each breath that we take

It’s hard to look forward

And hard to look back

Stuck in the middle,

Imprisoned and trapped

Where the harder the darkness

The harsher the light,

The harsher this world

That keeps spinning with life

But when that world’s feeling

So painful and hard

And you can’t imagine

Escaping the dark

It might help a little

To know it’s because

The harder we grieve

Means the harder we loved

******

Becky Hemsley 2023

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Run free little girl

 

As Kiki got older, I tried to protect myself from this time I am going through.

No matter what the vet told me, I was not convinced that she was as sick as he said.  She still did her cute little dance when it was time to eat like she always did, like a healthy dog at almost 16 years old.

My little partner, my little girl is gone and I am beyond heartbroken.  When I walk around the house, I still look down to make sure I am not stepping on her since she was always at my feet.  What a weird feeling it is for her not to be there.

Betsy and Buster were waiting for her at Rainbow Bridge.

Run free little girl.

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Dark Silence

 

As a person who has gone to sleep watching television forever  because I hate silence and am especially fearful of darkness, I was not in the best frame of mind with Hurricane Milton taking out my electricity before the storm even started and didn't come back on for three or four days later.  I have honestly lost track of time or even what day it is.

It had only been a few days since I had to put my precious fur baby Kiki to sleep, so I was a big mess already.  A week or so before, Kiki and I went through Hurricane Helene alone with her on my lap on the couch . . . having her with me was a comfort and I felt better.  I went through the latest hurricane sitting alone on the couch without the emotional comfort of my precious girl.  I miss her so much.

The dark silence of those days haunted me, making the feelings of grief and the hole in my heart from losing Kiki and The Captain even more intense, making me lonelier than I have ever felt in my life.  But I remained as calm as I could possibly be and made it through a very stressful time.  Honestly, I did have a few times of freaking out.  I'm not a brave person, but have become stronger as I get older and experience more life.

The storm was brutal.  News reports state that Tampa received winds of up to 100 mph.  They were not all gusts . . . at times the winds were sustained for what seemed like forever.  I thought the roof was going to fly off my house, but it didn't.  God was there to protect me.  The only damage was a knocked over mailbox.  Surprising and grateful!

Going through the process of hearing the news that Kiki was sick and ultimately having her put to sleep was one of the worse times I have ever experienced in my life.  She was my baby and constant companion for 12 years, but she had an awesome life with so much love after the Captain and I rescued her from the shelter.  They found her roaming the streets, lost and alone.  That is another story.  

I guess God doesn't think I need peace yet.  He has more for me to learn.

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Disappointment, truth and lies

 

People in general have disappointed me more than usual lately.  I have written about the pharmacy that continues to mistreat their clients.  It isn't just me.  They finally gave me one of the medications that make my life more bearable, however, they gave me a month's worth but charged me with three months.  I didn't realize it until I tried to refill the prescription and was accused of abusing my medication.  That was the ultimate insult from this pharmacy after all the problems I've had.  For one thing, I don't take the minimum of what I can take and not even close to taking more.  I hate being dependent on pills to feel normal.  Also hate it being a case of my word against theirs and having to do without my medication again.

My latest disappointment is my little Kiki's vet.  I will start by saying that after all the loss in my life, my dog is one of the most important "people" in my life.  My latest trip to the vet for the yearly visit has majorly concerned me.  Kiki is over 15 years old, I know she is going to develop health problems sooner or later.  She is the seemingly most healthy dog I have ever had.  The vet had me scared to death that she had sepsis and was ready to die.  $1000 and a ton of medication later, I have to take her back to get tested again.  Another $1000?  I swear to God, she seems perfectly healthy to me despite the vet telling me she has all these things wrong with her.

I am a responsible dog mama.  If my baby needs these medications and testing to have a quality of life that includes her being healthy and pain free, I am totally willing to do what is necessary to make that happen.  My gut tells me that she may need medication for her arthritis and vitamins/supplements to make her feel the best she can feel, but they are stretching the truth about her overall condition. 

It is a concern for me either way.  But when my gut tells me they are playing with my emotions to make more money, that upsets me greatly.  

The older I get, the more I am also concerned with the way seniors are treated.  Never in my life have people made me feel so stupid when I know I am a very intelligent person.  Growing old was never an emotional concern, but that is changing.  I have always tried to be as nice as I can when dealing with people even when they are not.  Lately I don't care if I am nice or not.  Being a nice senior means being mistreated and taken advantage of.  Nice is perceived as being stupid.

I hate it.  Everybody is growing older . . . one day they will realize the error of their ways and I hope ask God for forgiveness.

 

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Life's Purpose

 

"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."

~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I'm having a problem with this and feeling so lost. The more I think about it, the more difficult it is to come up with an answer.

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What is wrong with people?

 

I'm waiting for sunrise to get in my car and go on a new adventure.  

After two months of being off my medication for depression, I'm finally leveling off and feeling so much better.  I hope I never have to go through another nightmare to get the medication I desperately need, especially at this time in my life.  Yes, I explained over and over again that I am experiencing a high degree of grief, but the order kept getting cancelled.  

I'm so tired of fighting people who really don't care to do a good job.  I have encountered this type of thing with all the stuff I have had to deal with regarding the Captain's death.  The saddest is to appeal the denial for his burial rights.  This stuff already stresses me out and what makes it worse is to have to address it over and over again.

The good news is that I am feeling better and ready to start fighting for what is coming to me again.

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Just need a hug

 

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My New Normal

 It happens to me every day . . . the memories, the tears and the sadness that doesn't want to go away.  I try to dwell on happy memories, but the sadness still sneaks in.  Profound sadness.  I never wear makeup anymore, it is too messy with the tears.

My doctor asked me if I want to die as a result of the sadness.  No, I don't want to die, but I'm not fearful that I will.  I know where I am going.  And at this point in my life, the number of people close to me still living are less than those who have left me.

Positive thinking doesn't help since that is tricking myself into one thing or another.

I know the grief I am feeling is still fresh and will be with me the rest of my life.  The bad feelings just have to change at least for a little while.  This too shall pass.

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Long Darkness

 

Nothing has been as it seems, or has it?

Some lines from a movie I recently saw really hit home with me and put the past year into a weird perspective.  

"I was sleeping peacefully in the midst of a long darkness.  It is good to sleep when you can't find the answers so I just slept for what seemed like months.  Then I was pulled by a light, life was pulling me back."

It seems as though the roller coaster of grief has had me going back and forth as though I am having a bad dream, woken up to a momentary desire to get back to normal life, but swiftly pulled back out of the reality that is way too painful to deal with.  Of course I deal with it, I have no choice, but the mind can play tricks on us in those painful dark moments of grief.  I tend to want to just stay in bed and not face another day of the torment of a new reality.  

I think to myself, "it can't be possible that my life has changed this drastically."  But it has.  Nothing makes sense and I feel lost without him.

I'm going though a crazy, difficult phase of grief where the long darkness makes me look at progress I've made skeptically.  This too shall pass.  I know because I have already been here 20 years ago when my first husband passed away, I just forgot how difficult it was.

 

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Faith, Love and Time

 

The Memorial Day weekend was bittersweet and difficult.

Military holidays were so special for The Captain, they were a part of who he was.  I had never experienced a person who was so patriotic and so proud of his military service.  I often thought that when he retired from the military, a part of him died.  It is who he was, but no longer had an active part in it.  It is a sad fact of retirement, you kind of lose your identity.

Although I dislike war movies, I almost wanted the bombardment of his holiday ritual, marathon war movies.  They meant he was alive and well and still with me.  

It was one of those times that I just needed to be alone and cry my eyes out.  Somehow it makes me feel better and allows me to be strong.  That doesn't make sense, but grief does not make sense.  Just when I think I can handle life again, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Looking back at the memories that flooded me over the weekend, although I hate what grief does to me, it means that I loved deeply.  And for that I will always be grateful.  

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Looking back

 

Caught in my fears

Blinking back the tears

I can't say you hurt me

When you never let me near

Lyrics from

Long Long Time

by Linda Ronstadt

Today has been a day of looking back at memories from different times of my life and all the love and close relationships I have experienced.  Some good, some bad . . . just like everyone else.

The most frustrating were the ones I didn't understand, but allowed myself to love anyway and sometimes got hurt.  Some people never let you in, no matter how close you think you are.  Still, I have no regrets.  

Those lyrics are somewhat contradictory, yet they ring true. 

I no longer have fears of close relationships because I am done with them.  My experiences with trust issues have crammed my lifetime.  I want the rest of my life to be content with what I have and the awesome memories that occupy my mind.

As times goes on, it seems to me that people in general have turned so cold, heartless, lacking compassion . . . I include myself in that statement.  I'd rather spend the time I have left alone with God to keep me company.  

Life wasn't always that way and it makes me sad.  I only see glimpses of the world I once knew.

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Best Revenge

 

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Sit with the pain

 

This is what grief is.

A hole ripped through the very fabric of your being.

The hole eventually heals along the jagged edges that remain. It may even shrink in size.

But that hole will always be there.

A piece of you always missing.

For where there is deep grief, there was great love.

Don’t be ashamed of your grief.

Don’t judge it.

Don’t suppress it.

Don’t rush it.

Rather, acknowledge it.

Lean into it.

Listen to it.

Feel it.

Sit with it.

Sit with the pain. And remember the love.

This is where the healing will begin.

Author unknown

I'm feeling a little better, but it has been a bad few weeks. It is what I expect, but sometimes I can handle it better. This year is different since I'm experiencing The Captain's passing too. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be normal.

In the meantime, I deal with it as best as I can and sit with the pain with my awesome memories.

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Simple

 

Memories are the best things in life.  At this time I feel they are all I have left, although I know that is not true.  Bad grief phases make me have those awful feelings, but also make me so grateful for those great memories.

I have not been able to pick myself up properly since the trigger days of March.  This too shall pass and I know it very well, but while going through it, it is what I perceive as hell.  Maybe it is what I deserve for whatever reason.

Praying for peace . . .

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Grateful

 

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Lessening Grief

 

In the course of dealing with grief phases, I have found myself relying on memories as a comfort for the painful feelings of grief.  I'm always grateful for having had my loved ones share their life with me.  Even remembering not so great memories leads to being grateful.  Life is more than good times and anger has a place in there too.

Time changes the way we perceive memories.  I didn't realize that until The Captain passed away.  Memories of my life with JR have changed through the years without me realizing that it was happening.

Time lessens grief, but it never takes it away.  I have learned to be grateful for everything I have been blessed with, especially another day.

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Holiday Blues

Another trigger day, actually a double trigger day, JR's birthday.  

This is the end of trigger days for a while thank God and I am already feeling better.  It is all a mindset.

In the past, I loved holidays, they were so special.  Now they are memories of special days.  In my time with The Captain, the holidays were already dreaded days.  He wasn't fond of them either, except for our birthdays and anniversary.

 

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Lacking Peace

 

My latest grief stage has brought me far away from perfect peace.  It is getting better, but faith and trust have been difficult to attain.  The birthdays of two husbands who have passed away have been awful trigger days with Easter around the corner.

This definition of peace is what I have been lacking . . . "freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions".  

As I prepared our traditional Easter ham and potato salad, the overwhelming empty feeling of not sharing the cooking and enjoying the meal and the holiday itself with both of them consumed me.  

These are typical trigger days that have doubled for me.  The Captain helped me through those days in the past.  Now I try to relive the memories of days past to get through the present trigger days.

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Love Stays

 

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Loud Silence

 

It has been a weird time.  Yes, the silence is loud.  Sometimes it is hard to breathe.  I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say.  I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me.  Only him.  God knows how much I miss him.

It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much.  However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now.  The Captain and I were rarely without words.  He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.

Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.

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