A Heavy Heart

The holidays are hitting me harder than usual this year.  I know it is the recent decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep a month or so ago.  I miss her terribly and feel so much guilt since I had to sign that damn paper.  It has compounded the loss of two husbands.  The...

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When your dog is your soulmate

 As I have grieved my fur baby Kiki, I have sought out social media forums and communities dedicated to help grievers cope with that terrible phase in their life.  It is important to surround yourself with those who have and are walking the same journey, just wanting to find peace.  Below...

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Grief is a strange journey

 I've been going through another grief journey that has knocked me down pretty hard. Losing a pet is an indescribable grief.In order to make a real attempt of going through this loss better than the losses of two husbands, I have discovered and remember how different the feelings are when it is...

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The difficulty of grieving

Someone in a group I belong to told me that I'm in the "deep of grief" and I know that the way grief manifests itself changes with time.  But it never ever goes away.My two recent losses, The Captain and my precious little Kiki were my immediate family that I lived with and loved day after day. ...

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Run free little girl

 As Kiki got older, I tried to protect myself from this time I am going through.No matter what the vet told me, I was not convinced that she was as sick as he said.  She still did her cute little dance when it was time to eat like she always did, like a healthy dog at almost 16 years old.My...

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Dark Silence

 As a person who has gone to sleep watching television forever  because I hate silence and am especially fearful of darkness, I was not in the best frame of mind with Hurricane Milton taking out my electricity before the storm even started and didn't come back on for three or four days later. ...

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Disappointment, truth and lies

 People in general have disappointed me more than usual lately.  I have written about the pharmacy that continues to mistreat their clients.  It isn't just me.  They finally gave me one of the medications that make my life more bearable, however, they gave me a month's worth but...

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Life's Purpose

 "Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from." ~ Elisabeth Kubler-RossI'm having a problem with this and feeling so lost. The more I think about...

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What is wrong with people?

 I'm waiting for sunrise to get in my car and go on a new adventure.  After two months of being off my medication for depression, I'm finally leveling off and feeling so much better.  I hope I never have to go through another nightmare to get the medication I desperately need, especially...

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Just need a hug

&nb...

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My New Normal

 It happens to me every day . . . the memories, the tears and the sadness that doesn't want to go away.  I try to dwell on happy memories, but the sadness still sneaks in.  Profound sadness.  I never wear makeup anymore, it is too messy with the tears.My doctor asked me if I want...

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Long Darkness

 Nothing has been as it seems, or has it?Some lines from a movie I recently saw really hit home with me and put the past year into a weird perspective.  "I was sleeping peacefully in the midst of a long darkness.  It is good to sleep when you can't find the answers so I just...

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Faith, Love and Time

 The Memorial Day weekend was bittersweet and difficult.Military holidays were so special for The Captain, they were a part of who he was.  I had never experienced a person who was so patriotic and so proud of his military service.  I often thought that when he retired from the military,...

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Looking back

 Caught in my fearsBlinking back the tearsI can't say you hurt meWhen you never let me nearLyrics fromLong Long Timeby Linda RonstadtToday has been a day of looking back at memories from different times of my life and all the love and close relationships I have experienced.  Some good, some...

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Best Revenge

&nb...

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Sit with the pain

 This is what grief is.A hole ripped through the very fabric of your being.The hole eventually heals along the jagged edges that remain. It may even shrink in size.But that hole will always be there.A piece of you always missing.For where there is deep grief, there was great love.Don’t be ashamed...

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Simple

 Memories are the best things in life.  At this time I feel they are all I have left, although I know that is not true.  Bad grief phases make me have those awful feelings, but also make me so grateful for those great memories.I have not been able to pick myself up properly since the...

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Grateful

&nb...

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Lessening Grief

 In the course of dealing with grief phases, I have found myself relying on memories as a comfort for the painful feelings of grief.  I'm always grateful for having had my loved ones share their life with me.  Even remembering not so great memories leads to being grateful.  Life...

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Holiday Blues

Another trigger day, actually a double trigger day, JR's birthday.  This is the end of trigger days for a while thank God and I am already feeling better.  It is all a mindset.In the past, I loved holidays, they were so special.  Now they are memories of special days.  In my...

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Lacking Peace

 My latest grief stage has brought me far away from perfect peace.  It is getting better, but faith and trust have been difficult to attain.  The birthdays of two husbands who have passed away have been awful trigger days with Easter around the corner.This definition of peace is what...

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Love Stays

&nb...

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Loud Silence

 It has been a weird time.  Yes, the silence is loud.  Sometimes it is hard to breathe.  I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say.  I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me.  Only him.  God knows...

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