I was never ready for you to leave

 

My normal grief feels like all of the above at the same time.

It happened so fast.

On that morning, I woke up and was startled to see the far away look in his eyes.  It seemed to me so strange that he was normal the night before, although I felt something was off for a few days.  One of my first thoughts was "I'm not ready for him to leave me."  He was already gone, but it was months before he passed away.  

Since that day, unbearable sadness has consumed me to the point of paralysis, not being able to do a thing at times.  Being alone is what I have craved and I can sometimes only make it from one minute to the next without breaking out in uncontrollable tears.  I thought I would never get through the phase of acceptance since I was not ready to lose him to begin with.  Even though he was not healthy, I never thought he would die so young.

I had already experienced the tremendous grief from losing my first husband and I knew what agony I was about to face again.

Are we ever ready to lose someone we love?

My grief has thankfully entered a new phase and I am happy to say that I am actually experiencing "normal" days.  It has taken me almost a year to accept that he had to leave, God was calling him.  But I now find myself moving past acceptance and through all the other phases that change from one day to the next.  But at least some days are good.  I know as time moves on the good days will appear with regularity.  It just takes time and lots of prayer.

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Where magic lives

Wishes are shining deep down inside of you. 

Cause that, my friends, is where the magic lives. 

Jiminy Cricket

It is that "anything is possible" mentality.

It is positive thinking.

It is having the determination to do whatever is

necessary to make your dreams come true.

After going through a long stretch of extreme grief, feeling somewhat hopeless for the phase I was going through and all consuming unhappiness, I've emerged to a new phase.

The new phase has a strong positive attitude that has me knowing that I can actually be "normal" if I do whatever it takes to get there.  What will it take?  I have no idea what it all entails, but I am ready to go there.

The thoughts are actually feeling normal.  OMG, can it be?  

The whole thing has taken me to a song I have loved all my life.  The theme from Cinderella, a childhood favorite movie . . . a dream is a wish your heart makes.  And we all know that Cinderella went from being a slave to her stepmother to becoming a princess, earning the respect of her hateful family and the love of her Prince Charming.

The lyrics to the song are beautiful . . .

   A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Composed by Mack David, Al Hoffman and Jerry Livingston 
for the Walt Disney film Cinderella 

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
A dream is a wish your heart makes

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

  

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Passionate and Intense Love

 

Have you ever felt an intense and passionate love for someone that seemed to be a gift from God?

There is nothing like it in the whole world.  Although it feels like a gift, the object of your desire may have no idea how you feel because it is nothing that someone can intentionally give you.  It is what it is and purely natural.  And the person feeling the "love" can't make themselves feel it . . . it just is.  

It may not be love at all, but this feeling for another person is more like magic.  This magic can actually make your heart skip a beat, feel like you are floating in the clouds and you truly believe you are in love.  You could possibly be falling in love and perhaps "the falling" is actually more magical than being in love itself.

All these thoughts came rushing to me as I thought of the first days of meeting The Captain online.  I was so taken by him with his charismatic and charming personality that I did not want to see a photo of him.  We spoke on the phone and his voice was music to my ears.  I felt so strange to feel so strongly about someone I had never seen or touched.  But my senses felt his magic.  

I prayed that this was not an ugly man that had captured my heart so intensely since my heart had previously been taken only by men I was strongly attracted to physically.  Shallow and too picky, I know.  But I was being taught a different way of falling in love and it was blind faith.

It was one of the best times of my life.

When you meet someone online, you really have no idea who they are or what they really look like.  If they have a photo, it could possibly not be the person you are interacting with, but someone else the person wants you to think they are.  

Unfortunately that deception happens often online.  The person resides in your computer or phone, an image in your mind that your heart interprets what it wants, but really is not real until you are eye to eye with the person.

In my case with The Captain, he made my heart skip a beat with his charming personality, but when I finally saw a photo of him and ultimately met him in person, my prayers had been answered and I had been falling in love with a man whose appearance I was strongly attracted to . . . to the point that I didn't know if I was coming or going.  What a feeling!

He gave me a gift I will never forget and he lives in my heart forever.  RIP captblackeagle, I will love you forever.  Miss you so much, my heart is still broken and always will be.

Love your loved ones like there is no tomorrow . . . there may not be.

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Listen to your heart

"When you have compassion and surrender to your own heart, you are surrendering to the hidden power in your heart, God. You are surrendering to love, because God is Love, the cohesive force of the universe that connects us all. Surrender is not just a religious concept; it's a power tool for listening to the voice of your spirit and following its directions. When you surrender your head to your heart, you allow your heart to give you a wider, higher intelligence perspective. Remember the phrase, ‘The real teacher is within you.’ Very simply, that teacher is to be found in the common sense of your own heart."

Sara Paddison

Listen to Your Heart | Roxette
Lyrics

I know there's something in the width of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes yeah
You've built a love but that love falls apart
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark
Listen to your heart when he's calling for you
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide yeah
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems
the feeling of belonging to your dreams
Listen to your heart...
And there are voices that want to be heard.
So much to mention but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind.
Listen to your heart when he's calling for you
Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why,
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye.

Isn't that all that needs to be said?
When it comes to love, intuition is key
Listen to your heart!
I believe it is the voice of God

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Don't Give Up

 

Today has been one of the worse days in a while for many reasons that I don't need to get into for the purpose of this post.

I was blessed with a healthy dose of self-confidence and one thing I know for sure, I am a strong person and I know I'm going to get through this.  My motto . . . this too shall pass.

Glad to be alive?  Not necessarily.  My future is up in the air, I've retired, don't have a definitive purpose and I feel somewhat lost.  I often ask myself  . . . what am I living for?   But I know I am still healing from The Captain's death and my purpose will be revealed at the right time.  

Thank God I'm not lonely, enjoy being alone and don't have aspirations of finding love again (or do I?) . . . I really don't want to deal with disappointment any more than I have to, but I will never say never from this moment on.  The main moving on is improving my life and being happy with my choices.

The good news is my depression is under control and I know I am on the correct path for me.

As a Christian, I have always prayed for God's will.  When I found this graphic on Facebook, I saw it as an answer to recent prayers and part of the answer is to not give up.  

I won't . . . and I am taking one day at a time.

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The Lunacy of Grief Stages

 

The changes can be horrific from one day to the next, leaving the feeling of being on a roller coaster.  They can also make you feel like you are actually losing your mind while knowing you are sane.

What really makes me feel crazy is the shift from surviving the grief to overwhelming sadness that rips you apart.  Nobody said it is an easy process.  The process itself can go back and forth, repeating itself over and over again.  It ends up breaking my heart over and over again.

For me it is still so fresh, only 8 months of the torture and a couple more months if you count the hospital time.  But I believe the greatest progress is making it through the first phase of acceptance.  You don't have to like it, but the loss must be accepted in order to get past it and start healing.  I've finally reached acceptance and feel the process of healing, no matter how much it fluctuates.

Regardless of the phase, the reality is memories are all that is left.  And I cherish them.

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Promise to believe in yourself

 

"If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done."

Vince Lombardi

"People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success.

Norman Vincent Peale

If you have self-confidence and believe in yourself, the sky is the limit. You can achieve what you want to achieve.

Having courage is important since we can not get bogged down in the what ifs and fear of failure. That mentality is self defeating and in itself can lead to failure just because of the attitude.

Why is determination important? It will prevent you from giving up before you achieve your goal.

If you believe what you are trying to achieve is worth failure, you must promise yourself to go for it and make a sacrifice.

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Make Change and Disappointment Work For You

Change is always happening, so make sure it works for you.

Disappointment is no welcome change.  It is defined as sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hope or expectations.  

Life changes can't be avoided and they do not always bring joy.  However, see it as an opportunity for growth.  Don't resist the unfortunate circumstance, learn from it and move on.  

Dwelling on the disappointment won't make it go away, it just prolongs the healing from the hurt it caused.  Never forget that how we respond is totally under our control.

I recently wrote another post on change and how we should celebrate it, good or bad.  Be flexible, practice gratitude and unpleasant changes will not interfere with good mental health.

I'm still experiencing grief and have long acknowledged that it will have lasting implications in my life.  Changes in my life circumstances will also change those lasting implications positively if I let them and that is what I choose to do.

Learn from your life changes and disappointment!

Disappointments can be a positive thing.

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Celebrating with gratitude

 

Make a habit out of celebrating the small moments in healing, gratitude, and growth.

Alex Elle

Anytime a change occurs, even if it is a painful change that hurts, the change should be celebrated as growth with much gratitude.  Emotions heal and ultimately, the change was for the best.

Unwelcome painful change happens for a good reason and we should celebrate it as a powerful growth incident.

Not everything our heart desires is the thing that is meant to be and may be quite the opposite.  As a blessing/curse situation.

As a Christian, I believe everything happens for a reason.  Even the bad situation happens to teach us a lesson or make a point we have needed to pay attention to.  

Either way, celebrate and thank God, because it is all good.

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Trust and Truth

 

Truth never damages a cause that is just.

Mahatma Gandhi

How can you trust without honest and open dialogue about concerns?

It is a delicate balance.  But for me, it is impossible.

As masters of our own destinies, the choices we make should be on a solid foundation.  When there is doubt and the little voice in your head sends warning signals, the doubt must be addressed.  Otherwise, everything from that point on is sitting on shaky ground and those concerns and doubts will live on forever.

When an opportunity presents itself, we must decide whether to be true to ourselves and open our eyes to discover a blessing or a curse.

Better to be safe than sorry.

All this has brought one of my favorite songs to mind - Detective|No Doubt.  The lyrics are like that little voice in my head . . . intuition is a good thing!

Detective|No Doubt

Lyrics

Peek in, sneak about
Peek in, sneak about
Peek in, sneak about
Your broken hearted detective

Hey girl, save the liar
Can't you see his pants on fire?
Hey girl, save the liar
Can't you see his pants on fire?

My back it hurts again
It aches like history
Cottonmouth and all lit up
You're smiling back at me
But I feel you must have failed me
Once again, you've let me down
My confidence below my knees now
I need to find you out

Peek in, sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective
(Hey, hey, hey)

Hey lover, why the gun?
Hold on, I'm almost there
It's too late, you killed the trust
Don't act so unaware
So why are you so destructive?
Do you realize what you've done?
You can't bring it back to life now
What are you running from?

Peek in, sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective

I don't like the way I feel
I just want you to be real

Hey girl, save the liar
Can't you see his pants on fire?
Hey girl, save the liar
Can't you see his pants on fire?
I'm rummaging through your closet
Imagining all the worst thoughts

Peek in, sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective
Peek in, sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective
Peek in
Peek in
Peek in
Peek in
Peek in, sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective

Writer(s): Gwen Stefani, Thomas Dumont, Tony Kanal

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The fear of "what if"

The fear of "what might happen" is a very strong deterrent for us and has the ability to stop us in our tracks, no matter how much we want something or know that we should move forward. Each of us has heard messages at some point in our childhood that can make us fear what "might happen" and they stay with us and serve as painful reminders of past pain, our shortcomings, our disappointments and our failures. Unless we address and disprove them, these messages stay with us and we unconsciously choose people, situations and even lifestyles that make them true.

(Jennifer Hoffman)

 

 I'll admit that the "what if" mentality plagues me.  I often wonder why, but I have few answers.

The main theory I have come up with, as in the quote, is simply relying on past experience.

In my younger adult days, I did not experience failure, therefore, there was no hesitation when it came to the pursuit of dreams.  

Failure and disappointments came later in life and it could be that is when the fears were born.

How we think and perceive those thoughts can be very powerful.

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Hope

Every night we go to bed,

without any assurance of being alive the next morning

but still we set the alarms to wake up.

That's HOPE

It is also faith.  As a person who has a broken spirit, I know that without hope and faith, the possibility of becoming whole again is bleek.  I have lived it.

I have also become whole again after brokenness, never losing faith that everything was going to be OK again.

It is human nature to succumb to disappointing life changes.  You can't beat yourself up over it.  Attitude determines the degree of healing and how long it takes to get there.

At this place in time, grief has once again gotten a grip on me, but I know I will get through it.  There is no grief without love and love is worth the effort to fulfillment in life.

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Who do you think you are?

As I continue to transfer my blog posts from an older blog,
I am reminded that you must first walk through the fire
before you get to that peaceful place in life.

NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS!

"The race is on to get out of the bottom,

The top is high so your roots are forgotten,

Giving is good as long as you're getting,

What's driving you it's ambition and betting,

I said who do you think you are? "

Lyrics from the song by

Spice Girls - 
Who Do You Think You Are?

Originally posted on August 24, 2007

Comments from the original entry on Yahoo 360 follow the entry

Happy Friday, another week has flown by, huh? As my life runs in its typical patterns of ups and downs, another bad time is lifting and I see the sun again. I must say that my horoscope earlier this week was right on target and I knew to brace myself for a rocky ride this week. And rocky it has been.

I'm moving really slow today . . . here it is, mid-afternoon on the east coast and my coffee is just now brewing. Last night it was a marathon phone conversation with my cousin Vince in the middle of the night. We do that . . . both night owls. Vince was that guy who was my date when I needed one for social business functions in my single days. My baby cousin was an awesome side kick. One of those gorgeous men who doesn't know he is, looks like he stepped right out of the GQ Magazine and the older he gets, the more gorgeous he gets.

Thinking of Vince, the nice guy that he is, how gorgeous he is . . . he has it all and it gives me hope . . . just like the awesome and wonderful relationship I had with JR. Good people restore your faith in other people . . . knowing all the time that the other element is out there too. Unfortunately.

You have the gorgeous guys like Vince who could think they are God's gift to women and then you have the other element of man who thinks they are, whether they deserve the title or not. Self-confidence is a strange thing and how it makes some people perceive themselves. The song I chose to play today reminds me of those guys who make you go . . . hmmmmm . . . who do you think you are? It takes all kinds in this world or it would be a very boring world, huh? By the way guys . . . I know there are those women out there who make you go . . . hmmmmm too.

This week was one of setbacks, but taking the positive spin on bad things that happen in life . . . everything that happens to us in life is a lesson. It was all in the path to my destiny . . . the journey to the rest of my life. In another post, I mentioned that Satan clipped my wings and it felt like someone swung open the doors of hell. There is some truth to that. My Christian beliefs tell me that God let Satan put his hands on me to teach me a lesson.

Let this week be a lesson to everyone going through a struggle . . . I reverted back to my negative thinking and not being grateful everyday and I was spiraling out of control. I won't delete one post . . . it is there for me to go back to and see what happens when I react to happenings in my life negatively. Everything gets out of wack.

Simple concept . . . our thought process determines our reactions and leads our emotions. Learn the lesson with me, my friends! My positive thought process is telling me that it wasn't a total waste . . . and I'm grateful for the lesson.

Comments from original entry on Yahoo 360

(10 total)

Just want to say your thoughts help me know I am not the only one going
through crap. Thanks but you don't have to have bad stuff happen to you to make feel better so stop it, LOL!

Thank you for being you and open!

Friday August 24, 2007 - 03:01pm (CDT)

Gina, I love this post! How did you do the picture?? I have no clue how one would do this...you must be computer-savvy...

*hugs*

Friday August 24, 2007 - 01:05pm (PDT)

awww Dave, I know that our lives are constantly paralleling. And the urge to delete the rant blogs . . . use them for encouragement, that is what I'm gonna try to do!

Libby . . . computer graphics is a hobby is hope to possibly turn into a profession as soon as I can get myself back to school and get certified.

Hugs and love to yall!!

Friday August 24, 2007 - 04:15pm (EDT)

i am a huge believer in yin/yang. the whole idea of BALANCE is just such a very necessary thing on our paths, IMHO. perhaps you could promise yourself that no matter what a day may bring you, you will not forget to be mindful of the things you are grateful for. life's all about choices. you can choose to not let other people's negativity get the better of you. YOU are in control of your own emotions and actions! i am glad you aren't deleting your 'rant' posts. there is so much we learn from putting things into words, so you can be grateful for those blogs, because they can help you find things to be grateful for, too. blessings to you as you continue your journey, my friend.

Friday August 24, 2007 - 06:07pm (EDT)

Deb, the major progress I have made is determining that I am the one in control of my emotions. Sometimes I forget and that balance goes crazy. At least I'm not staying there like I used to! That is another thing I discovered from the last couple of stumbles I've had . . . they don't last that long and I can bounce back. It does not throw me into a month-long pity party.

The rants . . . the I'm leaving . . . I'm staying . . . I feel raw and exposed . . . not writing anymore . . . the most positive thing about all that is that I did not stay gone for more than one day. This is growth for me to not run away, that is my usual MO. I do that well!

Friends like you are making all the difference for me!!! You are the best!!!! I'm gonna surprise you one of these days and we are gonna do some serious party down girl!! Turkey fry next August? Do you still do that?

Friday August 24, 2007 - 06:43pm (EDT)

Great post Gina, I know what you mean about deleting blogs, I have been guilty of that and now wish I hadn't.
Hang in there and tomorrow will be better, well thats what I say to myself when things are a bit down. Your cousin Vinny sounds like a great person, you are lucky to have someone like that in your life.
God Bless

Saturday August 25, 2007 - 08:46am (EST)

babes, all i can say is ... i love that bloody tune!!!!!!!!!!!!! i`m a little drunk and i love ya ! love Loo xxxxxxxxxxx

Friday August 24, 2007 - 11:57pm (BST)

girl, if you'll promise to be here, it WILL be happening!!! i will gather the rest of the gals, and we will party until the sun comes up. i celebrate your awakenings with you. *hugs*

Friday August 24, 2007 - 07:41pm (EDT)

So did you chose the phrase "god's gift" to get my attention ? LOL It's true, these past to weeks have seen my ego reinflated. but hey,when starting from zero, a few sucesses tip the scales quickly. :) Oh, and the reason i asked..... Matthew means god's gift.... so great pun !!! LOL love ya gina..... keep smiling sweety !

Friday August 24, 2007 - 10:09pm (CDT)

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