My New Normal

 It happens to me every day . . . the memories, the tears and the sadness that doesn't want to go away.  I try to dwell on happy memories, but the sadness still sneaks in.  Profound sadness.  I never wear makeup anymore, it is too messy with the tears.

My doctor asked me if I want to die as a result of the sadness.  No, I don't want to die, but I'm not fearful that I will.  I know where I am going.  And at this point in my life, the number of people close to me still living are less than those who have left me.

Positive thinking doesn't help since that is tricking myself into one thing or another.

I know the grief I am feeling is still fresh and will be with me the rest of my life.  The bad feelings just have to change at least for a little while.  This too shall pass.

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Long Darkness

 

Nothing has been as it seems, or has it?

Some lines from a movie I recently saw really hit home with me and put the past year into a weird perspective.  

"I was sleeping peacefully in the midst of a long darkness.  It is good to sleep when you can't find the answers so I just slept for what seemed like months.  Then I was pulled by a light, life was pulling me back."

It seems as though the roller coaster of grief has had me going back and forth as though I am having a bad dream, woken up to a momentary desire to get back to normal life, but swiftly pulled back out of the reality that is way too painful to deal with.  Of course I deal with it, I have no choice, but the mind can play tricks on us in those painful dark moments of grief.  I tend to want to just stay in bed and not face another day of the torment of a new reality.  

I think to myself, "it can't be possible that my life has changed this drastically."  But it has.  Nothing makes sense and I feel lost without him.

I'm going though a crazy, difficult phase of grief where the long darkness makes me look at progress I've made skeptically.  This too shall pass.  I know because I have already been here 20 years ago when my first husband passed away, I just forgot how difficult it was.

 

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Faith, Love and Time

 

The Memorial Day weekend was bittersweet and difficult.

Military holidays were so special for The Captain, they were a part of who he was.  I had never experienced a person who was so patriotic and so proud of his military service.  I often thought that when he retired from the military, a part of him died.  It is who he was, but no longer had an active part in it.  It is a sad fact of retirement, you kind of lose your identity.

Although I dislike war movies, I almost wanted the bombardment of his holiday ritual, marathon war movies.  They meant he was alive and well and still with me.  

It was one of those times that I just needed to be alone and cry my eyes out.  Somehow it makes me feel better and allows me to be strong.  That doesn't make sense, but grief does not make sense.  Just when I think I can handle life again, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Looking back at the memories that flooded me over the weekend, although I hate what grief does to me, it means that I loved deeply.  And for that I will always be grateful.  

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Looking back

 

Caught in my fears

Blinking back the tears

I can't say you hurt me

When you never let me near

Lyrics from

Long Long Time

by Linda Ronstadt

Today has been a day of looking back at memories from different times of my life and all the love and close relationships I have experienced.  Some good, some bad . . . just like everyone else.

The most frustrating were the ones I didn't understand, but allowed myself to love anyway and sometimes got hurt.  Some people never let you in, no matter how close you think you are.  Still, I have no regrets.  

Those lyrics are somewhat contradictory, yet they ring true. 

I no longer have fears of close relationships because I am done with them.  My experiences with trust issues have crammed my lifetime.  I want the rest of my life to be content with what I have and the awesome memories that occupy my mind.

As times goes on, it seems to me that people in general have turned so cold, heartless, lacking compassion . . . I include myself in that statement.  I'd rather spend the time I have left alone with God to keep me company.  

Life wasn't always that way and it makes me sad.  I only see glimpses of the world I once knew.

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Best Revenge

 

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Sit with the pain

 

This is what grief is.

A hole ripped through the very fabric of your being.

The hole eventually heals along the jagged edges that remain. It may even shrink in size.

But that hole will always be there.

A piece of you always missing.

For where there is deep grief, there was great love.

Don’t be ashamed of your grief.

Don’t judge it.

Don’t suppress it.

Don’t rush it.

Rather, acknowledge it.

Lean into it.

Listen to it.

Feel it.

Sit with it.

Sit with the pain. And remember the love.

This is where the healing will begin.

Author unknown

I'm feeling a little better, but it has been a bad few weeks. It is what I expect, but sometimes I can handle it better. This year is different since I'm experiencing The Captain's passing too. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be normal.

In the meantime, I deal with it as best as I can and sit with the pain with my awesome memories.

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Simple

 

Memories are the best things in life.  At this time I feel they are all I have left, although I know that is not true.  Bad grief phases make me have those awful feelings, but also make me so grateful for those great memories.

I have not been able to pick myself up properly since the trigger days of March.  This too shall pass and I know it very well, but while going through it, it is what I perceive as hell.  Maybe it is what I deserve for whatever reason.

Praying for peace . . .

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