My latest grief stage has brought me far away from perfect peace. It is getting better, but faith and trust have been difficult to attain. The birthdays of two husbands who have passed away have been awful trigger days with Easter around the corner.
This definition of peace is what I have been lacking . . . "freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions".
As I prepared our traditional Easter ham and potato salad, the overwhelming empty feeling of not sharing the cooking and enjoying the meal and the holiday itself with both of them consumed me.
These are typical trigger days that have doubled for me. The Captain helped me through those days in the past. Now I try to relive the memories of days past to get through the present trigger days.
It has been a weird time. Yes, the silence is loud. Sometimes it is hard to breathe. I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say. I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me. Only him. God knows how much I miss him.
It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much. However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now. The Captain and I were rarely without words. He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.
Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.
But really, do I have a choice?
I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again. Just when I was starting to feel better.
I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief. The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.
If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up. I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain. He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so. It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.
In this phase of grief, the recollection of awesome times are helping me honor The Captain's place in my life. There are moments in time and then there are events that brought us so much fun and happiness. I will write about them and relive them all over again with a smile on my face. We had many good times!
We loved Busch Gardens and visited often since we had annual passes. They provided fabulous entertainment and among our favorites was Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits.
Peter was still doing the concert circuit after all these years. The Captain and I had the pleasure of attending one of his concerts and had a blast singing along to all those hits whose lyrics were still fresh in our minds. We weren't the only ones. Baby boomers surrounded us and we were all singing.
His voice is awesome as ever, with the same witty personality as Herman the teenage boy with the sweet face we knew back in the day. It was an excellent concert we never forgot . . . what a treat, we spoke of it often. Peter is a timeless entertainer who is very entertaining!
Just like any other grief phase, it is not a good idea to try to ignore the trigger day or the affects of it. One must go through and feel the grief stages in order to get through the healing process. The difficulty is not knowing where the next grief hit is going to come from . . . a song, a place, a passing thought, a smell, food . . . anything really. One thing is for sure, there are times that everything is a reminder and know that it may throw you into survival mode, even if it is an old loss as well as a fresh one.
There is one thing I do to cope with trigger days . . . write your loved one a letter. Just as with journaling, the spontaneity of the writing will conjure up thoughts and feelings you never addressed. Those thoughts and feelings get me through trigger days, as well as good memories that I make an attempt to dwell on instead of how awful I am feeling at the moment. The great memories on trigger days for me are treasured gifts and I look at it as a pleasant way to honor the loved one. That is so important.
It is not easy, but I have learned coping mechanisms through over 20 years of grief phases from losing my first husband. It never goes away, but as time goes on it becomes easier to manage and tolerate the emotions.
Today I am experiencing The Captain's birthday, the first since he passed away. This trigger day is fresh and so very painful, but I'm making the attempt to use the coping mechanisms I have learned to get through this awful day.
The clock continues to tick and the trigger days hit with regularity, bringing with them the emotional minefield. What is important is to know that you control how you react to the thoughts associated with the day.
The trigger days and grief itself became my new normal when my first husband died. Now my new normal is double the trigger days, grief associated with it and learning to emotionally deal with more positivity as time goes on. I'm learning how to celebrate the loved one's life and be grateful they were in my life at all.
In the past couple of days, I have been drawn to songs that remind me of the beginning of my relationship with The Captain. They brought up so many awesome memories that took me back to the time like it was yesterday. That is what I love so much about music, it takes you there.
In this phase of grief, I can say that I have found the joyful melody of life with The Captain, remembering the great times with a smile on my face. And just as fast as the smile appeared, so do the tears of a time in my life that is gone forever.
The next grief phase will hopefully focus on the great times and the memories with only smiles and less sorrow. I will listen to your song forever in my heart and the song will play softly, soothing my soul.
Cherish the music!
The Captain used to send me this song in his emails to me when we were in the long distance phase of our relationship. He would travel from North Carolina to Florida so we could spend time with each other to see for sure if what we had developed online worked in real life.
Every time he visited, the hardest thing was to say goodbye and not know when he would be visiting again. That is how it was between the visits and the returns home until he moved in with me forever. The words to this song bring back all the feelings. I could play this song over and over again, enjoy the wonderful memories and hate the tears because he is gone.
Single and feel a spark for someone online? Opportunity is knocking (read that post) and you need to listen. It may be something that can develop into something more.
Back Some Day|Blue lyrics
Grief is schizophrenic!
Many of you know that my first husband passed away over 20 years ago. As a reader of my blog you know that I am still grieving his loss to this day and having a difficult time with it. And even though I have been through the grief all these years, I have determined that it is totally different for me this time. So my notion of grief has changed. Now the two are mingled and sometimes throws me for a loopy time.
Today is one of those loopy times. I'm semi-paralyzed and have not done anything all day except sit here and try to think on how to get moving. It is approaching early evening and I have not had a thing to eat or have not had a cup of coffee. No energy, no motivation whatsoever! There are days I don't eat at all, I don't want it and I am passionate about food. Sometimes I can trick myself into gathering up some motivation and times like this there is no way. Today my definition of self is that I am out of control and can't stop the roller coaster!
I can tell you that writing about it helps tremendously. At times it gives me the opportunity to see a different perspective after I have written about it. Try it if you are having grief incidents that are sometimes unbearable.
This too shall pass and tomorrow is another day with another grief phase - hope it is a good one!
A dream is a wish your heart makesWhen you're fast asleepIn dreams you will lose your heartacheWhatever you wish for you keepHave faith in your dreams and somedayYour rainbow will come smiling throughNo matter how your heart is grievingIf you keep on believingThe dream that you wish will come trueA dream is a wish your heart makesWhen you're feeling smallAlone in the night you whisperThinking no one can hear you at allYou wake with the morning sunlightTo find fortune that is smiling on youDon't let your heart be filled with sorrowFor all you know tomorrowThe dream that you wish will come trueA dream is a wish your heart makesA dream is a wish your heart makesYou wake with the morning sunlightTo find fortune that is smiling on youDon't let your heart be filled with sorrowFor all you know tomorrowThe dream that you wish will come trueNo matter how your heart is grievingIf you keep on believingThe dream that you wish will come true
