Monday, July 22, 2024
Sunday, June 30, 2024
My New Normal
It happens to me every day . . . the memories, the tears and the sadness that doesn't want to go away. I try to dwell on happy memories, but the sadness still sneaks in. Profound sadness. I never wear makeup anymore, it is too messy with the tears.
My doctor asked me if I want to die as a result of the sadness. No, I don't want to die, but I'm not fearful that I will. I know where I am going. And at this point in my life, the number of people close to me still living are less than those who have left me.
Positive thinking doesn't help since that is tricking myself into one thing or another.
I know the grief I am feeling is still fresh and will be with me the rest of my life. The bad feelings just have to change at least for a little while. This too shall pass.
Thursday, May 30, 2024
Long Darkness
Nothing has been as it seems, or has it?
Some lines from a movie I recently saw really hit home with me and put the past year into a weird perspective.
"I was sleeping peacefully in the midst of a long darkness. It is good to sleep when you can't find the answers so I just slept for what seemed like months. Then I was pulled by a light, life was pulling me back."
It seems as though the roller coaster of grief has had me going back and forth as though I am having a bad dream, woken up to a momentary desire to get back to normal life, but swiftly pulled back out of the reality that is way too painful to deal with. Of course I deal with it, I have no choice, but the mind can play tricks on us in those painful dark moments of grief. I tend to want to just stay in bed and not face another day of the torment of a new reality.
I think to myself, "it can't be possible that my life has changed this drastically." But it has. Nothing makes sense and I feel lost without him.
I'm going though a crazy, difficult phase of grief where the long darkness makes me look at progress I've made skeptically. This too shall pass. I know because I have already been here 20 years ago when my first husband passed away, I just forgot how difficult it was.
Tuesday, May 28, 2024
Faith, Love and Time
The Memorial Day weekend was bittersweet and difficult.
Military holidays were so special for The Captain, they were a part of who he was. I had never experienced a person who was so patriotic and so proud of his military service. I often thought that when he retired from the military, a part of him died. It is who he was, but no longer had an active part in it. It is a sad fact of retirement, you kind of lose your identity.
Although I dislike war movies, I almost wanted the bombardment of his holiday ritual, marathon war movies. They meant he was alive and well and still with me.
It was one of those times that I just needed to be alone and cry my eyes out. Somehow it makes me feel better and allows me to be strong. That doesn't make sense, but grief does not make sense. Just when I think I can handle life again, it hits me like a ton of bricks.
Looking back at the memories that flooded me over the weekend, although I hate what grief does to me, it means that I loved deeply. And for that I will always be grateful.
Tuesday, May 21, 2024
Looking back
Caught in my fears
Blinking back the tears
I can't say you hurt me
When you never let me near
Lyrics from
Long Long Time
by Linda Ronstadt
Today has been a day of looking back at memories from different times of my life and all the love and close relationships I have experienced. Some good, some bad . . . just like everyone else.
The most frustrating were the ones I didn't understand, but allowed myself to love anyway and sometimes got hurt. Some people never let you in, no matter how close you think you are. Still, I have no regrets.
Those lyrics are somewhat contradictory, yet they ring true.
I no longer have fears of close relationships because I am done with them. My experiences with trust issues have crammed my lifetime. I want the rest of my life to be content with what I have and the awesome memories that occupy my mind.
As times goes on, it seems to me that people in general have turned so cold, heartless, lacking compassion . . . I include myself in that statement. I'd rather spend the time I have left alone with God to keep me company.
Life wasn't always that way and it makes me sad. I only see glimpses of the world I once knew.
Monday, May 13, 2024
Saturday, April 20, 2024
Sit with the pain
This is what grief is.
A hole ripped through the very fabric of your being.
But that hole will always be there.
A piece of you always missing.
For where there is deep grief, there was great love.
Don’t be ashamed of your grief.
Don’t judge it.
Don’t suppress it.
Don’t rush it.
Rather, acknowledge it.
Lean into it.
Listen to it.
Feel it.
Sit with it.
Sit with the pain. And remember the love.
This is where the healing will begin.
Author unknown
I'm feeling a little better, but it has been a bad few weeks. It is what I expect, but sometimes I can handle it better. This year is different since I'm experiencing The Captain's passing too. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be normal.
In the meantime, I deal with it as best as I can and sit with the pain with my awesome memories.
Wednesday, April 17, 2024
Simple
Memories are the best things in life. At this time I feel they are all I have left, although I know that is not true. Bad grief phases make me have those awful feelings, but also make me so grateful for those great memories.
I have not been able to pick myself up properly since the trigger days of March. This too shall pass and I know it very well, but while going through it, it is what I perceive as hell. Maybe it is what I deserve for whatever reason.
Praying for peace . . .
Tuesday, April 2, 2024
Lessening Grief
In the course of dealing with grief phases, I have found myself relying on memories as a comfort for the painful feelings of grief. I'm always grateful for having had my loved ones share their life with me. Even remembering not so great memories leads to being grateful. Life is more than good times and anger has a place in there too.
Time changes the way we perceive memories. I didn't realize that until The Captain passed away. Memories of my life with JR have changed through the years without me realizing that it was happening.
Time lessens grief, but it never takes it away. I have learned to be grateful for everything I have been blessed with, especially another day.
Sunday, March 31, 2024
Holiday Blues
Another trigger day, actually a double trigger day, JR's birthday.
This is the end of trigger days for a while thank God and I am already feeling better. It is all a mindset.
In the past, I loved holidays, they were so special. Now they are memories of special days. In my time with The Captain, the holidays were already dreaded days. He wasn't fond of them either, except for our birthdays and anniversary.
Friday, March 29, 2024
Lacking Peace
My latest grief stage has brought me far away from perfect peace. It is getting better, but faith and trust have been difficult to attain. The birthdays of two husbands who have passed away have been awful trigger days with Easter around the corner.
This definition of peace is what I have been lacking . . . "freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions".
As I prepared our traditional Easter ham and potato salad, the overwhelming empty feeling of not sharing the cooking and enjoying the meal and the holiday itself with both of them consumed me.
These are typical trigger days that have doubled for me. The Captain helped me through those days in the past. Now I try to relive the memories of days past to get through the present trigger days.
Monday, March 25, 2024
Sunday, March 24, 2024
Loud Silence
It has been a weird time. Yes, the silence is loud. Sometimes it is hard to breathe. I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say. I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me. Only him. God knows how much I miss him.
It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much. However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now. The Captain and I were rarely without words. He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.
Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.
Thursday, March 21, 2024
Don't give up now
But really, do I have a choice?
I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again. Just when I was starting to feel better.
I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief. The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.
If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up. I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain. He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so. It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.
Wednesday, March 20, 2024
Love With No Place To Go
All that talk about positivity has gone out the window. I find myself overthinking everything. My happy, carefree attitude of taking one moment at a time has disappeared. It is what grief is all about. One must be ready for it to get through it quickly. I'm trying!
The trick is to figure out how to pull yourself back to a comfortable place that is sometimes so difficult to find.
Love with no place to go is rough and heartbreaking.
Saturday, March 16, 2024
Grief Angel
This past week has been all over the place.
As much as I try to stay positive, there are times that I just lose control. It is simple, I miss him terribly. This must be the "miss you" phase.
My family to coming to town just in time. I have been missing them too and it complicates the feelings of grief.
It is just one of those phases that will pass quickly, I hope.
Friday, March 15, 2024
Thursday, March 14, 2024
Remembering Good Times
In this phase of grief, the recollection of awesome times are helping me honor The Captain's place in my life. There are moments in time and then there are events that brought us so much fun and happiness. I will write about them and relive them all over again with a smile on my face. We had many good times!
We loved Busch Gardens and visited often since we had annual passes. They provided fabulous entertainment and among our favorites was Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits.
Peter was still doing the concert circuit after all these years. The Captain and I had the pleasure of attending one of his concerts and had a blast singing along to all those hits whose lyrics were still fresh in our minds. We weren't the only ones. Baby boomers surrounded us and we were all singing.
His voice is awesome as ever, with the same witty personality as Herman the teenage boy with the sweet face we knew back in the day. It was an excellent concert we never forgot . . . what a treat, we spoke of it often. Peter is a timeless entertainer who is very entertaining!
photo by Gina Alfani
Monday, March 11, 2024
Trigger Days
Just like any other grief phase, it is not a good idea to try to ignore the trigger day or the affects of it. One must go through and feel the grief stages in order to get through the healing process. The difficulty is not knowing where the next grief hit is going to come from . . . a song, a place, a passing thought, a smell, food . . . anything really. One thing is for sure, there are times that everything is a reminder and know that it may throw you into survival mode, even if it is an old loss as well as a fresh one.
There is one thing I do to cope with trigger days . . . write your loved one a letter. Just as with journaling, the spontaneity of the writing will conjure up thoughts and feelings you never addressed. Those thoughts and feelings get me through trigger days, as well as good memories that I make an attempt to dwell on instead of how awful I am feeling at the moment. The great memories on trigger days for me are treasured gifts and I look at it as a pleasant way to honor the loved one. That is so important.
It is not easy, but I have learned coping mechanisms through over 20 years of grief phases from losing my first husband. It never goes away, but as time goes on it becomes easier to manage and tolerate the emotions.
Today I am experiencing The Captain's birthday, the first since he passed away. This trigger day is fresh and so very painful, but I'm making the attempt to use the coping mechanisms I have learned to get through this awful day.
The clock continues to tick and the trigger days hit with regularity, bringing with them the emotional minefield. What is important is to know that you control how you react to the thoughts associated with the day.
The trigger days and grief itself became my new normal when my first husband died. Now my new normal is double the trigger days, grief associated with it and learning to emotionally deal with more positivity as time goes on. I'm learning how to celebrate the loved one's life and be grateful they were in my life at all.
Sunday, March 10, 2024
Joyful Melody of Life
In the past couple of days, I have been drawn to songs that remind me of the beginning of my relationship with The Captain. They brought up so many awesome memories that took me back to the time like it was yesterday. That is what I love so much about music, it takes you there.
In this phase of grief, I can say that I have found the joyful melody of life with The Captain, remembering the great times with a smile on my face. And just as fast as the smile appeared, so do the tears of a time in my life that is gone forever.
The next grief phase will hopefully focus on the great times and the memories with only smiles and less sorrow. I will listen to your song forever in my heart and the song will play softly, soothing my soul.
Cherish the music!
Riding the Roller Coaster
I've been accepting the negative emotions today, facing them head on. I'm not trying to ignore the bad feelings, I acknowledge them and ask myself why. My responses go on a list so I can deal with them later.
It has been one of the best two weeks since The Captain went into the hospital last year. What a good feeling it has been to experience "normal" at times. Very positive progress. I'm also enjoying social media again. Facebook has become my happy place.
The intense feelings of grief started creeping up on me this morning and little by little has taken over tonight. An important trigger day is coming up tomorrow and another at the end of the month . . . both of my husbands were born in March. So that means another night of no sleep associated with trigger times.
It is a roller coaster that doesn't want to stop, but I am looking for the off button and I hope to find it very soon.
One thing I do every day is count my blessings and thank God. I'm grateful since my life is pretty good except for the grief roller coaster. Blessings are what I focus on and I feel so lucky. Maybe if I keep focusing on positivity, it won't be another night or a month of no sleep.
Saturday, March 9, 2024
Back Some Day
The Captain used to send me this song in his emails to me when we were in the long distance phase of our relationship. He would travel from North Carolina to Florida so we could spend time with each other to see for sure if what we had developed online worked in real life.
Every time he visited, the hardest thing was to say goodbye and not know when he would be visiting again. That is how it was between the visits and the returns home until he moved in with me forever. The words to this song bring back all the feelings. I could play this song over and over again, enjoy the wonderful memories and hate the tears because he is gone.
Long distance relationships do work and more importantly, internet relationships can move on to forever if you have the patience for it. It is an awesome way to get to know each other.
Single and feel a spark for someone online? Opportunity is knocking (read that post) and you need to listen. It may be something that can develop into something more.
Back Some Day|Blue lyrics
If you're alone
I want you to know
I'll be back some day
If you're alone
I want you to know
I'll be back some day
It's time for me to have to go away for so long to make our own paradise
But dreams don't come easy you've gotta believe me, you know this deep inside
But it's not long now till I'm on my way
I keep wishing tomorrow was yesterday
You're my everything that won't disappear
Girl you've got nothing to fear
If you're alone, I want you to know
I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go
Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night
Just wait for me till I get home
When you're on your own, I want you to know
I'll be there for you, I could never let go
I realize that you want me to stay, but hold on
I'll be back someday (be back someday, someday)
When I return, I wanna see this beautiful baby who's still loving me
With tears in her eyes but a smile on her face impatiently we'll embrace
But it's not long now, till' I'm on my way
I keep praying tomorrow was yesterday
You're my everything that won't disappear
Girl you've got nothing to fear
If you're alone, I want you to know
I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go
Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night
Just wait for me till I get home
When you're on your own, I want you to know
I'll be there for you, I could never let go
I realize that you want me to stay but hold on
I'll be back someday
And when I go
I'll be loving you still
Baby you will never know
Just how lonely I'll feel
You know I really gotta go
But I wish I could stay
Hold on (just hold on)
I'll be back, I'll be back...
If you're alone, I want you to know
I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go
Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night, just wait for me till I get home
When you're on your own, I want you to know
I'll be there for you, I could never let go
I realize that you want me to stay but hold on
I'll be back someday
If you're alone, I want you to know
I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go
Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night
Just wait for me till I get home
Songwriters: Timothy Daniel Woodcock, Mike Terry. For non-commercial use only.
Thursday, March 7, 2024
Living Alone and Being Lonely . . . Or Not?
There have been several times in my life that I've lived alone.
Twice more than 10 years each time.
On the subject of living alone or being lonely, living alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely. Of course there will be times when loneliness will get to anyone, but most of us have a choice to get out and be around people when loneliness hits. However, I do know from experience that you can be lonely in a room full of people, but that is another discussion.
Living alone also means having to take care of everything around the house or pay someone to do it for you. That is the problem that faces me. The older I get, the greater the difficulty, especially for someone like me that does not like to ask for help.
These days I specifically miss The Captain himself, the companionship and our discussions. Sometimes I forget and start to shout out a thought not remembering that he is not in the other room and he never will be again. With him passing away not that long ago, the grief has been fresh and I have wanted to be alone, not even wanting to talk to someone on the phone.
On the lighter side . . . living alone means not having to deal with another person's moods or them dealing with yours . . . you only have to pick up after yourself . . . you can have control of the remote control and watch whatever you like . . . you can do whatever you want to do without considering what the other person thinks.
On a normal day, I think any of us will go back and forth on the subject. Just because we all have that time where it is "all about me." Right? You know it is true!
Wednesday, March 6, 2024
Adversity
"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."
Walt Disney
For as long as I can remember, Walt Disney has been so inspirational to me. He went bankrupt several times and was laughed at (I imagine hysterically) about his cartoon mouse. He had the last laugh. It goes to prove that one should never give up on a dream or aspirations for happiness . . . whatever your heart desires.
There was a time in my life when everything seemed to be perfect. I had a great job in the corporate world, made decent money, had a great marriage and I could go on. It was one of the happiest times of my life. Speaking of Disney, we visited Disney World at least once a month since we were both at our jobs a very long time and had over a month's worth of vacation . . . lots of long weekends are awesome when you put in at least 70 hours a week.
Well, keeping up that work routine and office politics took its toll on me. One day I walked away, it was impulsive, in a sense it was a horrible move, but we finally got the peace and happiness needed and our lives changed drastically.
We became a one income family, I really got into cooking and gardening. At that time, I wanted to be like Martha Stewart. It was a very satisfying time and my marriage to JR was the best ever. We were so happy.
What seemed like a giant setback in my life turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I am so grateful that JR and I got so much closer and happier since his life was cut short at 42 years old. We never would have had that great life. I spoiled him rotten and we were so blissfully happy. If I still worked those 70 hour weeks, there is no way we could have had that degree of happiness.
Everything in life happens for a reason.
After years of agonizing grief, I met The Captain and remarried.
Now that I have become a widow for a second time, I have become stronger, but I wonder about the reasons why God chose for me to be in this survival mode again, it was difficult enough the first time. All I have to say is that I must have huge rewards coming after all this adversity and heartbreak.
But I still believe and have faith that I can be happy again.
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