Grief Angel

 

This past week has been all over the place.

As much as I try to stay positive, there are times that I just lose control.  It is simple, I miss him terribly.  This must be the "miss you" phase.

My family to coming to town just in time.  I have been missing them too and it complicates the feelings of grief.

It is just one of those phases that will pass quickly, I hope.

  

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Just help

 

What keeps me going . . .

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Heart Silently Screams

 

My heart is silently screaming today.

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Remembering Good Times

 

In this phase of grief, the recollection of awesome times are helping me honor The Captain's place in my life.  There are moments in time and then there are events that brought us so much fun and happiness.  I will write about them and relive them all over again with a smile on my face.  We had many good times!

We loved Busch Gardens and visited often since we had annual passes.  They provided fabulous entertainment and among our favorites was Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits.

Peter was still doing the concert circuit after all these years.  The Captain and I had the pleasure of attending one of his concerts and had a blast singing along to all those hits whose lyrics were still fresh in our minds.  We weren't the only ones.  Baby boomers surrounded us and we were all singing.  

His voice is awesome as ever, with the same witty personality as Herman the teenage boy with the sweet face we knew back in the day.   It was an excellent concert we never forgot . . . what a treat, we spoke of it often.  Peter is a timeless entertainer who is very entertaining!

photo by Gina Alfani

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Trigger Days

 

Trigger days . . . holidays, birthdays, anniversaries of all kinds, etc. always add an extra sense of grief.  You never know how they are going to affect you until it does . . . they are sneaky like that.  They can also change from year to year.  

Just like any other grief phase, it is not a good idea to try to ignore the trigger day or the affects of it.  One must go through and feel the grief stages in order to get through the healing process.  The difficulty is not knowing where the next grief hit is going to come from . . . a song, a place, a passing thought, a smell, food . . . anything really.  One thing is for sure, there are times that everything is a reminder and know that it may throw you into survival mode, even if it is an old loss as well as a fresh one.

There is one thing I do to cope with trigger days . . . write your loved one a letter.  Just as with journaling, the spontaneity of the writing will conjure up thoughts and feelings you never addressed.  Those thoughts and feelings get me through trigger days, as well as good memories that I make an attempt to dwell on instead of how awful I am feeling at the moment.  The great memories on trigger days for me are treasured gifts and I look at it as a pleasant way to honor the loved one.  That is so important.

It is not easy, but I have learned coping mechanisms through over 20 years of grief phases from losing my first husband.  It never goes away, but as time goes on it becomes easier to manage and tolerate the emotions.

Today I am experiencing The Captain's birthday, the first since he passed away.  This trigger day is fresh and so very painful, but I'm making the attempt to use the coping mechanisms I have learned to get through this awful day.

The clock continues to tick and the trigger days hit with regularity, bringing with them the emotional minefield.  What is important is to know that you control how you react to the thoughts associated with the day.  

The trigger days and grief itself became my new normal when my first husband died.  Now my new normal is double the trigger days, grief associated with it and learning to emotionally deal with more positivity as time goes on.  I'm learning how to celebrate the loved one's life and be grateful they were in my life at all.

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Joyful Melody of Life

 

I've started listening to music regularly as I did in "normal times."  Music has been a part of life since I was a little girl enjoying the radio being on day and night by my family.  Songs have meaning to me as far as lyrics and bringing back memories.  It is strange how a song can be associated with a person, a place in time, an event, etc.  For me, music is so special for all of those reasons, as well as the love of a song or musician.

In the past couple of days, I have been drawn to songs that remind me of the beginning of my relationship with The Captain.  They brought up so many awesome memories that took me back to the time like it was yesterday.  That is what I love so much about music, it takes you there.

In this phase of grief, I can say that I have found the joyful melody of life with The Captain, remembering the great times with a smile on my face.  And just as fast as the smile appeared, so do the tears of a time in my life that is gone forever.  

The next grief phase will hopefully focus on the great times and the memories with only smiles and less sorrow.  I will listen to your song forever in my heart and the song will play softly, soothing my soul.

Cherish the music!

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Riding the Roller Coaster

 

I've been accepting the negative emotions today, facing them head on.  I'm not trying to ignore the bad feelings, I acknowledge them and ask myself why.  My responses go on a list so I can deal with them later.

It has been one of the best two weeks since The Captain went into the hospital last year.  What a good feeling it has been to experience  "normal" at times.  Very positive progress.  I'm also enjoying social media again.  Facebook has become my happy place.

The intense feelings of grief started creeping up on me this morning and little by little has taken over tonight.  An important trigger day is coming up tomorrow and another at the end of the month . . . both of my husbands were born in March.  So that means another night of no sleep associated with trigger times.

It is a roller coaster that doesn't want to stop, but I am looking for the off button and I hope to find it very soon.

One thing I do every day is count my blessings and thank God.  I'm grateful since my life is pretty good except for the grief roller coaster.  Blessings are what I focus on and I feel so lucky.  Maybe if I keep focusing on positivity, it won't be another night or a month of no sleep.

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Back Some Day

 

The Captain used to send me this song in his emails to me when we were in the long distance phase of our relationship. He would travel from North Carolina to Florida so we could spend time with each other to see for sure if what we had developed online worked in real life.

Every time he visited, the hardest thing was to say goodbye and not know when he would be visiting again. That is how it was between the visits and the returns home until he moved in with me forever. The words to this song bring back all the feelings. I could play this song over and over again, enjoy the wonderful memories and hate the tears because he is gone.

Long distance relationships do work and more importantly, internet relationships can move on to forever if you have the patience for it. It is an awesome way to get to know each other.

Single and feel a spark for someone online? Opportunity is knocking (read that post) and you need to listen. It may be something that can develop into something more.

Back Some Day|Blue lyrics

If you're alone

I want you to know

I'll be back some day

If you're alone

I want you to know

I'll be back some day

It's time for me to have to go away for so long to make our own paradise

But dreams don't come easy you've gotta believe me, you know this deep inside

But it's not long now till I'm on my way

I keep wishing tomorrow was yesterday

You're my everything that won't disappear

Girl you've got nothing to fear

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night

Just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own, I want you to know

I'll be there for you, I could never let go

I realize that you want me to stay, but hold on

I'll be back someday (be back someday, someday)

When I return, I wanna see this beautiful baby who's still loving me

With tears in her eyes but a smile on her face impatiently we'll embrace

But it's not long now, till' I'm on my way

I keep praying tomorrow was yesterday

You're my everything that won't disappear

Girl you've got nothing to fear

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night

Just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own, I want you to know

I'll be there for you, I could never let go

I realize that you want me to stay but hold on

I'll be back someday

And when I go

I'll be loving you still

Baby you will never know

Just how lonely I'll feel

You know I really gotta go

But I wish I could stay

Hold on (just hold on)

I'll be back, I'll be back...

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night, just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own, I want you to know

I'll be there for you, I could never let go

I realize that you want me to stay but hold on

I'll be back someday

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night

Just wait for me till I get home

Songwriters: Timothy Daniel Woodcock, Mike Terry. For non-commercial use only.

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Living Alone and Being Lonely . . . Or Not?

There have been several times in my life that I've lived alone.  

Twice more than 10 years each time.

On the subject of living alone or being lonely, living alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely.  Of course there will be times when loneliness will get to anyone, but most of us have a choice to get out and be around people when loneliness hits.  However, I do know from experience that you can be lonely in a room full of people, but that is another discussion.

Living alone also means having to take care of everything around the house or pay someone to do it for you.  That is the problem that faces me.  The older I get, the greater the difficulty, especially for someone like me that does not like to ask for help.

These days I specifically miss The Captain himself, the companionship and our discussions.  Sometimes I forget and start to shout out a thought not remembering that he is not in the other room and he never will be again.  With him passing away not that long ago, the grief has been fresh and I have wanted to be alone, not even wanting to talk to someone on the phone.    

On the lighter side . . . living alone means not having to deal with another person's moods or them dealing with yours . . . you only have to pick up after yourself . . . you can have control of the remote control and watch whatever you like . . . you can do whatever you want to do without considering what the other person thinks.

On a normal day, I think any of us will go back and forth on the subject.  Just because we all have that time where it is "all about me."  Right?  You know it is true!

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Adversity

 

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."

Walt Disney

For as long as I can remember, Walt Disney has been so inspirational to me. He went bankrupt several times and was laughed at (I imagine hysterically) about his cartoon mouse. He had the last laugh. It goes to prove that one should never give up on a dream or aspirations for happiness . . . whatever your heart desires.

There was a time in my life that everything seemed to be perfect. I had a great job in the corporate world, made decent money, had a great marriage and I could go on. It was one of the happiest times of my life. Speaking of Disney, we visited Disney World at least once a month since we were both at our jobs a very long time and had over a month's worth of vacation . . . lots of long weekends are awesome when you put in at least 70 hours a week.

Well, keeping up that work routine and office politics took its toll on me. One day I walked away, it was impulsive, in a sense it was a horrible move, but we finally got the peace and happiness needed and our lives changed drastically.

We became a one income family, I really got into cooking and gardening. At that time, I wanted to be like Martha Stewart. It was a very satisfying time and my marriage to JR was the best ever. We were so happy.

What seemed like a giant setback in my life turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I am so grateful that JR and I got so much closer and happier since his life was cut short at 42 years old. We never would have had that great life. I spoiled him rotten and we were so blissfully happy. If I still worked those 70 hour weeks, there is no way we could have had that degree of happiness.

Everything in life happens for a reason.

After years of agonizing grief, I met The Captain and remarried.

Now that I have become a widow for a second time, I have become stronger, but I wonder about the reasons why God chose for me to be in this survival mode again, it was difficult enough the first time. All I have to say is that I must have huge rewards coming after all this adversity and heartbreak.

But I still believe and have faith that I can be happy again.

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Future Without Fear?

Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and never doubt your beliefs. Life is wonderful if you know how to live it. 

Source

There is a line in that quote . . . "Life is wonderful if you know how to live it."  It screams life balance to me and learning how to maintain it.  I can remember having life balance at different points in my life.  Maintaining it is so difficult as life changes and throws us off balance.

Never have regrets for anything in your past since those circumstances have brought you to where you are at this moment and even the bad is good because you learned lessons along the way.

As far as fears and doubts, whatever is going to happen will happen.  The present and future are not controlled by fears and doubts unless you are faithless and prevent the process of moving on.  Think positively about life situations, make the best choices possible and have faith in the choices you have made for yourself.

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Grief is schizophrenic

 

When grief gets a grip on you, it will take on a life of its own that no matter how hard you try, is so difficult to get through.  One of the problems is that it is ever changing and when you think you have it figured out and under control . . . BOOM . . . it will grab your attention and let you know otherwise.

Grief is schizophrenic!

Many of you know that my first husband passed away over 20 years ago.  As a reader of my blog you know that I am still grieving his loss to this day and having a difficult time with it.  And even though I have been through the grief all these years, I have determined that it is totally different for me this time.  So my notion of grief has changed.  Now the two are mingled and sometimes throws me for a loopy time.

Today is one of those loopy times.  I'm semi-paralyzed and have not done anything all day except sit here and try to think on how to get moving.  It is approaching early evening and I have not had a thing to eat or have not had a cup of coffee.  No energy, no motivation whatsoever!  There are days I don't eat at all, I don't want it and I am passionate about food.  Sometimes I can trick myself into gathering up some motivation and times like this there is no way.  Today my definition of self is that I am out of control and can't stop the roller coaster!

I can tell you that writing about it helps tremendously.  At times it gives me the opportunity to see a different perspective after I have written about it.  Try it if you are having grief incidents that are sometimes unbearable.

This too shall pass and tomorrow is another day with another grief phase - hope it is a good one!

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I was never ready for you to leave

 

My normal grief feels like all of the above at the same time.

It happened so fast.

On that morning, I woke up and was startled to see the far away look in his eyes.  It seemed to me so strange that he was normal the night before, although I felt something was off for a few days.  One of my first thoughts was "I'm not ready for him to leave me."  He was already gone, but it was months before he passed away.  

Since that day, unbearable sadness has consumed me to the point of paralysis, not being able to do a thing at times.  Being alone is what I have craved and I can sometimes only make it from one minute to the next without breaking out in uncontrollable tears.  I thought I would never get through the phase of acceptance since I was not ready to lose him to begin with.  Even though he was not healthy, I never thought he would die so young.

I had already experienced the tremendous grief from losing my first husband and I knew what agony I was about to face again.

Are we ever ready to lose someone we love?

My grief has thankfully entered a new phase and I am happy to say that I am actually experiencing "normal" days.  It has taken me almost a year to accept that he had to leave, God was calling him.  But I now find myself moving past acceptance and through all the other phases that change from one day to the next.  But at least some days are good.  I know as time moves on the good days will appear with regularity.  It just takes time and lots of prayer.

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Where magic lives

Wishes are shining deep down inside of you. 

Cause that, my friends, is where the magic lives. 

Jiminy Cricket

It is that "anything is possible" mentality.

It is positive thinking.

It is having the determination to do whatever is

necessary to make your dreams come true.

After going through a long stretch of extreme grief, feeling somewhat hopeless for the phase I was going through and all consuming unhappiness, I've emerged to a new phase.

The new phase has a strong positive attitude that has me knowing that I can actually be "normal" if I do whatever it takes to get there.  What will it take?  I have no idea what it all entails, but I am ready to go there.

The thoughts are actually feeling normal.  OMG, can it be?  

The whole thing has taken me to a song I have loved all my life.  The theme from Cinderella, a childhood favorite movie . . . a dream is a wish your heart makes.  And we all know that Cinderella went from being a slave to her stepmother to becoming a princess, earning the respect of her hateful family and the love of her Prince Charming.

The lyrics to the song are beautiful . . .

   A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Composed by Mack David, Al Hoffman and Jerry Livingston 
for the Walt Disney film Cinderella 

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
A dream is a wish your heart makes

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

  

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Passionate and Intense Love

 

Have you ever felt an intense and passionate love for someone that seemed to be a gift from God?

There is nothing like it in the whole world.  Although it feels like a gift, the object of your desire may have no idea how you feel because it is nothing that someone can intentionally give you.  It is what it is and purely natural.  And the person feeling the "love" can't make themselves feel it . . . it just is.  

It may not be love at all, but this feeling for another person is more like magic.  This magic can actually make your heart skip a beat, feel like you are floating in the clouds and you truly believe you are in love.  You could possibly be falling in love and perhaps "the falling" is actually more magical than being in love itself.

All these thoughts came rushing to me as I thought of the first days of meeting The Captain online.  I was so taken by him with his charismatic and charming personality that I did not want to see a photo of him.  We spoke on the phone and his voice was music to my ears.  I felt so strange to feel so strongly about someone I had never seen or touched.  But my senses felt his magic.  

I prayed that this was not an ugly man that had captured my heart so intensely since my heart had previously been taken only by men I was strongly attracted to physically.  Shallow and too picky, I know.  But I was being taught a different way of falling in love and it was blind faith.

It was one of the best times of my life.

When you meet someone online, you really have no idea who they are or what they really look like.  If they have a photo, it could possibly not be the person you are interacting with, but someone else the person wants you to think they are.  

Unfortunately that deception happens often online.  The person resides in your computer or phone, an image in your mind that your heart interprets what it wants, but really is not real until you are eye to eye with the person.

In my case with The Captain, he made my heart skip a beat with his charming personality, but when I finally saw a photo of him and ultimately met him in person, my prayers had been answered and I had been falling in love with a man whose appearance I was strongly attracted to . . . to the point that I didn't know if I was coming or going.  What a feeling!

He gave me a gift I will never forget and he lives in my heart forever.  RIP captblackeagle, I will love you forever.  Miss you so much, my heart is still broken and always will be.

Love your loved ones like there is no tomorrow . . . there may not be.

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Listen to your heart

"When you have compassion and surrender to your own heart, you are surrendering to the hidden power in your heart, God. You are surrendering to love, because God is Love, the cohesive force of the universe that connects us all. Surrender is not just a religious concept; it's a power tool for listening to the voice of your spirit and following its directions. When you surrender your head to your heart, you allow your heart to give you a wider, higher intelligence perspective. Remember the phrase, ‘The real teacher is within you.’ Very simply, that teacher is to be found in the common sense of your own heart."

Sara Paddison

Listen to Your Heart | Roxette
Lyrics

I know there's something in the width of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes yeah
You've built a love but that love falls apart
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark
Listen to your heart when he's calling for you
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide yeah
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems
the feeling of belonging to your dreams
Listen to your heart...
And there are voices that want to be heard.
So much to mention but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind.
Listen to your heart when he's calling for you
Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why,
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye.

Isn't that all that needs to be said?
When it comes to love, intuition is key
Listen to your heart!
I believe it is the voice of God

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Don't Give Up

 

Today has been one of the worse days in a while for many reasons that I don't need to get into for the purpose of this post.

I was blessed with a healthy dose of self-confidence and one thing I know for sure, I am a strong person and I know I'm going to get through this.  My motto . . . this too shall pass.

Glad to be alive?  Not necessarily.  My future is up in the air, I've retired, don't have a definitive purpose and I feel somewhat lost.  I often ask myself  . . . what am I living for?   But I know I am still healing from The Captain's death and my purpose will be revealed at the right time.  

Thank God I'm not lonely, enjoy being alone and don't have aspirations of finding love again (or do I?) . . . I really don't want to deal with disappointment any more than I have to, but I will never say never from this moment on.  The main moving on is improving my life and being happy with my choices.

The good news is my depression is under control and I know I am on the correct path for me.

As a Christian, I have always prayed for God's will.  When I found this graphic on Facebook, I saw it as an answer to recent prayers and part of the answer is to not give up.  

I won't . . . and I am taking one day at a time.

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The Lunacy of Grief Stages

 

The changes can be horrific from one day to the next, leaving the feeling of being on a roller coaster.  They can also make you feel like you are actually losing your mind while knowing you are sane.

What really makes me feel crazy is the shift from surviving the grief to overwhelming sadness that rips you apart.  Nobody said it is an easy process.  The process itself can go back and forth, repeating itself over and over again.  It ends up breaking my heart over and over again.

For me it is still so fresh, only 8 months of the torture and a couple more months if you count the hospital time.  But I believe the greatest progress is making it through the first phase of acceptance.  You don't have to like it, but the loss must be accepted in order to get past it and start healing.  I've finally reached acceptance and feel the process of healing, no matter how much it fluctuates.

Regardless of the phase, the reality is memories are all that is left.  And I cherish them.

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